A friend of Prince Harry asked why he wanted out of the royal family.
Harry said “well my granny killed my mom, my uncle is a nonce, but worst of all my brother is a ****ing Villa fan”
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Liverpool 4-0 Barcelona
the last time a second leg was thrown like that in Liverpool, was when Paul McCartney had a row with Heather Mills.
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A wolves fan on his death bed tells his family he wishes to switch his allegiance to the baggies!! They ask what the he'll for? Cos when I'm gone it'll be one less of the *******.
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In an interview after the game on Monday, Jack Grealish said that Villa weren’t far off being a very good side, and predicted a top four challenge next season - although he admitted the away games at Charlton and Wigan will be pretty tough
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JOKES
Moderators: Charnwood, Bluemike
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goldandblack
- Posts: 6668
- Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:48 am
- Location: in the doghouse
Re: JOKES
The bomb squad was called today to the Sandwell Town centre
where a suspicious unidentified package was found.
After 6hs the bomb disposal expert radioed in saying
he’d never seen the likes of this in Sandwell before.
The Sargent asked what it was, and is it safe now,
he replied it was a worker’s pay packet Sir.
where a suspicious unidentified package was found.
After 6hs the bomb disposal expert radioed in saying
he’d never seen the likes of this in Sandwell before.
The Sargent asked what it was, and is it safe now,
he replied it was a worker’s pay packet Sir.
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goldandblack
- Posts: 6668
- Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:48 am
- Location: in the doghouse
Re: JOKES
Reckless Driver An Aston Villa fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Baggies supporter he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious West Brom jersey. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them. One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest. "Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!" The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road. Suddenly, the driver saw a Baggies supporter walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "sorry Father, I almost hit that West Brom supporter." "That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door."
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goldandblack
- Posts: 6668
- Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:48 am
- Location: in the doghouse
Re: JOKES
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
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Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
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Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
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goldandblack
- Posts: 6668
- Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:48 am
- Location: in the doghouse
Re: JOKES
Q What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube?
A. A laughing stock.
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Q What is the height of optimism?
A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.
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Q. What is the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
.A. Nothing! If you blink you will miss them both.
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Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
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Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A.They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
........................................................
Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.
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Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.
A. A laughing stock.
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Q What is the height of optimism?
A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.
...................................................
Q. What is the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
.A. Nothing! If you blink you will miss them both.
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Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
......................................................
Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A.They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
........................................................
Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.
.......................................................
Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.
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goldandblack
- Posts: 6668
- Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:48 am
- Location: in the doghouse
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goldandblack
- Posts: 6668
- Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:48 am
- Location: in the doghouse
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goldandblack
- Posts: 6668
- Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:48 am
- Location: in the doghouse
Re: JOKES
Waiting in Doncaster to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. Says to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour as it says on the sign!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."
…………………………………………..
Two eskimoes in a canoe are blown out to sea in a storm.
The one says to the other "We'll freeze to death here. I'm lighting a fire".
He carefully lights a fire but it burns the canoe and they sadly both drown.
Which just goes to show, you can't have your kayak and heat it
……………………………………………….
I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday.
He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"
I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to **** off once."
…………………………………………………..
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour as it says on the sign!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."
…………………………………………..
Two eskimoes in a canoe are blown out to sea in a storm.
The one says to the other "We'll freeze to death here. I'm lighting a fire".
He carefully lights a fire but it burns the canoe and they sadly both drown.
Which just goes to show, you can't have your kayak and heat it
……………………………………………….
I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday.
He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"
I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to **** off once."
…………………………………………………..
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goldandblack
- Posts: 6668
- Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:48 am
- Location: in the doghouse
Re: JOKES
I spent this morning at my wife's grave.
Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
……………………………………………………………….
I've just bought an advent calendar for Jehovah's Witnesses. Behind every door someone tells you to f*** Off
…………………………………………………………………
I said to my wife "When I die, I'll leave everything to you."
She said, "You do that now you idle git!"
………………………………………………………………..
A man was found guilty of never using full stops.
The judge told him to expect a long sentence.
…………………………………………………………………….
The red cross just knocked at my door asking if id like to help with the floods in Pakistan?
I said I'd love to but my hosepipe only reaches the bottom of my garden.
………………………………………………………………………
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
……………………………………………………………………..
Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
……………………………………………………………….
I've just bought an advent calendar for Jehovah's Witnesses. Behind every door someone tells you to f*** Off
…………………………………………………………………
I said to my wife "When I die, I'll leave everything to you."
She said, "You do that now you idle git!"
………………………………………………………………..
A man was found guilty of never using full stops.
The judge told him to expect a long sentence.
…………………………………………………………………….
The red cross just knocked at my door asking if id like to help with the floods in Pakistan?
I said I'd love to but my hosepipe only reaches the bottom of my garden.
………………………………………………………………………
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
……………………………………………………………………..
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marko69
- Global Moderator
- Posts: 24946
- Joined: Mon Apr 13, 2009 2:16 am
- Location: Somewhere between here and there.
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Andym
- Posts: 5452
- Joined: Thu Aug 31, 2006 1:47 pm
- Location: Mid Suffolk
Re: JOKES
Probably posted this before but it’s still one of my favourite jokes.
Mickey and Minnie Mouse were married. But their marriage was going through as bad patch. They went for marriage guidance.
They spent 2 hours talking to the counsellor. Minnie seemed ok but Mickey kept insisting he wanted a divorce.
After the long session, the counsellor turned to Mickey and said, “I understand that you want a divorce but I’m not sure why or on what grounds. All you say is that you don’t like Minnie because she has buck teeth.”
Mickey replied,”I didn’t say she had buck teeth. I said she’s f**king Goofy!”
Mickey and Minnie Mouse were married. But their marriage was going through as bad patch. They went for marriage guidance.
They spent 2 hours talking to the counsellor. Minnie seemed ok but Mickey kept insisting he wanted a divorce.
After the long session, the counsellor turned to Mickey and said, “I understand that you want a divorce but I’m not sure why or on what grounds. All you say is that you don’t like Minnie because she has buck teeth.”
Mickey replied,”I didn’t say she had buck teeth. I said she’s f**king Goofy!”
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goldandblack
- Posts: 6668
- Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:48 am
- Location: in the doghouse
Re: JOKES
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!”
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goldandblack
- Posts: 6668
- Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:48 am
- Location: in the doghouse
Re: JOKES
Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home‘. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
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goldandblack
- Posts: 6668
- Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:48 am
- Location: in the doghouse
Re: JOKES
I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?”, He said: “How flexible are you?”, I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
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goldandblack
- Posts: 6668
- Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:48 am
- Location: in the doghouse
Re: JOKES
...........................
A prestigious neurosurgeon calls a plumber to tend to his leaky faucet. The problem requires an easy fix and the entire job takes less than two minutes. Before leaving, the plumber says, “That will be £200.”
The surgeon replies, “I am a surgeon and even I do not charge £100 a minute.”
The plumber says, “Yeah, I didn’t either when I was a surgeon. Why do you think I switched?”
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An officer in the U.S. Naval Reserve was attending a conference that included admirals from both the U.S. Navy and the French Navy. At a ****tail reception, he found himself in a small group that included personnel from both navies.
The French Admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans learned only English. He then asked, "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you speak French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it is because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you would not have to speak German." The group became silent
A prestigious neurosurgeon calls a plumber to tend to his leaky faucet. The problem requires an easy fix and the entire job takes less than two minutes. Before leaving, the plumber says, “That will be £200.”
The surgeon replies, “I am a surgeon and even I do not charge £100 a minute.”
The plumber says, “Yeah, I didn’t either when I was a surgeon. Why do you think I switched?”
......................................
An officer in the U.S. Naval Reserve was attending a conference that included admirals from both the U.S. Navy and the French Navy. At a ****tail reception, he found himself in a small group that included personnel from both navies.
The French Admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans learned only English. He then asked, "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you speak French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it is because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you would not have to speak German." The group became silent
Last edited by goldandblack on Tue Mar 21, 2023 11:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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goldandblack
- Posts: 6668
- Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:48 am
- Location: in the doghouse
Re: JOKES
Woman to doctor: I’ve been stung by a wasp
Doctor: Don’t worry I’ll put some cream on it
Woman: But it’ll be miles away by now!!
…………………..
I will never understand why manslaughter is illegal. Men should be able to laugh at whatever they want
…………………..
Fella cuts three fingers off using a chain saw, and was rushed to hospital with the fingers but the surgeon couldn’t save then, the patient came round from the op and the surgeon told him of his loss.
The fella said “I’m a writer do you think I could still write with that hand”,
The surgeon said “well you might be able too but I wouldn’t count on it.”
………………………..
An alcoholic walks into a hardware shop and asks to buy a bottle of meths. The shopkeeper says "I'm not selling you that, I've seen you sitting down the park and I know you're an alkie. You'll just drink it".
The bloke says "No, no, I've just started my own decorating business and I need it for my work. People won't let me forget I used to be a drunk. I've turned my life around, but I'll always be seen as that drunkard, no matter how hard I work".
The shopkeeper says "I'm so sorry. Alright, here's your bottle of meths". The bloke says.......
"You haven't got a cold one, have you?"
…………………………………….
Went to my tattooist to have a picture of an Indian chief tattooed on my back. About half way through I said "Don't forget I want him holding a tomahawk", he replied.....
"Give us a chance mate I'm just finishing off his turban"
………………………………………….
A young lad goes into the barbers.
'What'll be?' says the barber.
'Can I have the same haircut as Harry Styles?' says the young lad.
'Yes, of course, sir. Take a seat' says the barber.
So the barber gets to work, and gradually the young lad drifts off and has a little nap.
When he wakes up, he's shocked at the image in the mirror. There's a huge bald patch on one side, a tuft of hair sticking out of the other, and razor lines running left to right.
'What the ****!' says the young lad. 'This is nothing like Harry Styles' hair!'
'It is, if he comes in here.' says the barber...
………………………………
Doctor: Don’t worry I’ll put some cream on it
Woman: But it’ll be miles away by now!!
…………………..
I will never understand why manslaughter is illegal. Men should be able to laugh at whatever they want
…………………..
Fella cuts three fingers off using a chain saw, and was rushed to hospital with the fingers but the surgeon couldn’t save then, the patient came round from the op and the surgeon told him of his loss.
The fella said “I’m a writer do you think I could still write with that hand”,
The surgeon said “well you might be able too but I wouldn’t count on it.”
………………………..
An alcoholic walks into a hardware shop and asks to buy a bottle of meths. The shopkeeper says "I'm not selling you that, I've seen you sitting down the park and I know you're an alkie. You'll just drink it".
The bloke says "No, no, I've just started my own decorating business and I need it for my work. People won't let me forget I used to be a drunk. I've turned my life around, but I'll always be seen as that drunkard, no matter how hard I work".
The shopkeeper says "I'm so sorry. Alright, here's your bottle of meths". The bloke says.......
"You haven't got a cold one, have you?"
…………………………………….
Went to my tattooist to have a picture of an Indian chief tattooed on my back. About half way through I said "Don't forget I want him holding a tomahawk", he replied.....
"Give us a chance mate I'm just finishing off his turban"
………………………………………….
A young lad goes into the barbers.
'What'll be?' says the barber.
'Can I have the same haircut as Harry Styles?' says the young lad.
'Yes, of course, sir. Take a seat' says the barber.
So the barber gets to work, and gradually the young lad drifts off and has a little nap.
When he wakes up, he's shocked at the image in the mirror. There's a huge bald patch on one side, a tuft of hair sticking out of the other, and razor lines running left to right.
'What the ****!' says the young lad. 'This is nothing like Harry Styles' hair!'
'It is, if he comes in here.' says the barber...
………………………………
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Mauswara
- Posts: 713
- Joined: Tue Dec 06, 2022 2:15 am
Re: JOKES
With apologies to my friends and family from the emerald isle.
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So, Paddy's walking down the lane in Tipperary he is and out in front of him jumps a wee leprechaun who cries out "It's your lucky day Paddy, I'm granting you three wishes".
"Is that so? Well, I know what me first wish is" says Paddy, "I'd like enough Guinness to last me the rest of me life I would'. The leprechaun waves his arms and there's Guinness as far as the eye can see.
"Would you look at that" says Paddy "well for me second wish I'd like enough bread and cheese to last me with the Guinness. Another wave of the arms and the wish is granted.
"One wish left Paddy" says the leprechaun "Use it wisely". Paddy scratches his head for a bit and comes to his decision, "I've had a think about it" he says "and to be on the safe side I'd better have a bit more Guinness".
- -
So, Paddy's walking down the lane in Tipperary he is and out in front of him jumps a wee leprechaun who cries out "It's your lucky day Paddy, I'm granting you three wishes".
"Is that so? Well, I know what me first wish is" says Paddy, "I'd like enough Guinness to last me the rest of me life I would'. The leprechaun waves his arms and there's Guinness as far as the eye can see.
"Would you look at that" says Paddy "well for me second wish I'd like enough bread and cheese to last me with the Guinness. Another wave of the arms and the wish is granted.
"One wish left Paddy" says the leprechaun "Use it wisely". Paddy scratches his head for a bit and comes to his decision, "I've had a think about it" he says "and to be on the safe side I'd better have a bit more Guinness".
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goldandblack
- Posts: 6668
- Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:48 am
- Location: in the doghouse
Re: JOKES
A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned I was with seven different women last night." The priest is silent for a moment, and then says "Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp. "And I'll be forgiven?" asks the man. "No," replies the priest, "but it will wipe that **** smirk off your face!"
……………………………………………..
One from the late, great Tommy Cooper:
Man goes into a dentist's, says "You've got to help me".
Dentist: "What seems to be the trouble?"
Man: "I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You want a psychiatrist, not a dentist. What did you come in here for?"
Man: "The light was on."
……………………………………………….
A Baggies fan was walking to the dole office one day when his friend, another Baggies fan, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. The first Baggies fan was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?"
The second Baggies fan replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want!'"
The second Baggies fan nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
……………………………………………..
One from the late, great Tommy Cooper:
Man goes into a dentist's, says "You've got to help me".
Dentist: "What seems to be the trouble?"
Man: "I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You want a psychiatrist, not a dentist. What did you come in here for?"
Man: "The light was on."
……………………………………………….
A Baggies fan was walking to the dole office one day when his friend, another Baggies fan, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. The first Baggies fan was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?"
The second Baggies fan replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want!'"
The second Baggies fan nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
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goldandblack
- Posts: 6668
- Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:48 am
- Location: in the doghouse
Re: JOKES
Wolves Ladies sign new centre half,
Get out of that VAR
Get out of that VAR