JOKES

[Mauswara]

What do you call a New Zealander in a suit?

The defendant.

[goldandblack]

What do you call a New Zealander in a suit?

The defendant.

[goldandblack]

Mick asks Paddy: Why do you keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge?"
Paddy replies: "It's in case someone wants a black coffee".
…………………………….

Paddy was stopped by the Police driving a posh horse box .When he was asked to open it up there were no horses inside .He said ‘I am taking the non-runners to Newmarket.
…………………………….

A dog goes into a grocer’s with a basket in its mouth. In the basket is a shopping list and a purse. The grocer reads the list, puts the goods requested into the basket, takes some money from the purse and puts back the change.
The dog then runs off home. This happens every week for months and the grocer becomes extremely impressed by the animal’s intelligence and its dedication to its task.
One day he decides to follow the animal home and see if its owner would be willing to sell it.
The dog eventually leads the grocer to a run-down house where it puts the basket on the doorstep and rings the door-bell with its nose. After a few seconds an old woman opens the door and starts hitting the dog with a stick. “Stop!” shouts the grocer. “What are you doing? That’s the most intelligent dog I’ve ever seen in my life.” “Intelligent, my as*” shouts the old woman. “That’s the third time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”
………………………………………………………………………….


A man has a pet duck and he loves his duck, can't bear to be apart from it and takes it everywhere with him.

One day he decides to go to the cinema to see the latest blockbuster, so off he trots, duck under his arm to the local multiplex.

When he gets to the counter, the cashier says "sorry mate, no pets, and especially no ducks, allowed."

So the bloke goes round the corner and stuffs his duck down his trousers, goes back and pays to go in. When he gets into the cinema he sits next to two girls.

Halfway through the film the first girl turns to her friend and says "the bloke next to me has got his flies undone and his thing keeps popping out!"

He friend replies "you've seen one before, when you've seen one you've seen them all."

"I thought that," says the first girl, "but this one keeps eating my popcorn."

[goldandblack]

I said to me mate - my dog was always chasing after people he sees on a bike, but not any longer
Mate said - wow so did you train him or something?
I said - nah, i just took the bike off him
…………………………………………………………….
As the queue of people were boarding the 737, a beautiful young woman who was wearing a very tight mini skirt was about to climb the steps, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the boarding crew, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the crew, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step.
She went absolutely ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends!
………………………………………..
I saw Cristiano Ronaldo in town today.
I said, "Can you sign my shirt?"
He said, "Have you got a pen?"
I said, "****, no. Hang on."
With that I threw myself on the floor, rolled over theatrically and began to cry.
He said, "How's that going to get a pen?"
I said, "Well that's how you do it."
…………………………………………………………

[goldandblack]

A local labour party politician knocks on the door and asks the fella who answered the door.
“Have you got 5 minutes for your opinion on things sir?”
The fella replies, “Sorry mate, my opinions are not in at the moment she’s gone to the shops”
………………………………….
When one of Brian Clough’s players got concussion his physio said to him, he doesn’t know who he is,
Clough full of sympathy said
“Tell him he’s Pele and get on with the game.

[marko69]

Wolfies joke:

When one of Brian Clough’s players got concussion his physio said to him, he doesn’t know who he is,
Clough full of sympathy said
“Tell him he’s Pele and get on with the game.”
———

Superb

[goldandblack]

3 Astronauts walking on the moon when they come across a $10 note on the ground,
Buzz Aldrin says its mine I dropped it earlier, No you didn’t says Neil Armstrong, its mine I saw it first,
A row starts which turns into a fight between Buzz and Neil,
Module pilot Michael Collins calls base.
Who’s ten? We have a problem.
……………………………………
Due to the unfortunate spacing error while booking our holiday,
I'm now looking forward to a week on the Norfolk B-roads.

[marko69]

Norfolk B-roads Nice

And
G R E A T

..... to see the old running wolf profile pic back! WOW. Proper blast from the past. Nice one.

[marko69]

A husband & wife were out for their anniversary dinner.
After their meal, the waiter asked the man, "Sir how did you find the pork belly?"
"We met in some pub about 25 years ago if I recall."

-------------------------------------
My wife says we need to have a chat about my childish behavior.
Like that's going to happen during conker season.

--------------------------------------
I've got a date with a woman who identifies as a wheelie bin.
I'm taking her out on Thursday or Friday, can't remember which.



Not in the same league as yours, Wolfie......, scraping the barrel a bit......., but will aim to do better!

[goldandblack]

Norfolk B-roads Nice

And
G R E A T

..... to see the old running wolf profile pic back! WOW. Proper blast from the past. Nice one.

yeah that was a while ago, coming up to 20 years on here next month, so will keep this one for the next 20yrs .

you remember this one LOL. was a bit mesmerising aye.

[goldandblack]

A husband & wife were out for their anniversary dinner.
After their meal, the waiter asked the man, "Sir how did you find the pork belly?"
"We met in some pub about 25 years ago if I recall."

-------------------------------------
My wife says we need to have a chat about my childish behavior.
Like that's going to happen during conker season.

--------------------------------------
I've got a date with a woman who identifies as a wheelie bin.
I'm taking her out on Thursday or Friday, can't remember which.



Not in the same league as yours, Wolfie......, scraping the barrel a bit......., but will aim to do better!

I find all jokes funny mate, that conker one is brilliant,

[goldandblack]

Frank always looked on the bright side.

He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstances, he would always reply "it could have been worse ". To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad and terrible, even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course, one of them said "Frank did you hear about Tom?"
"He came home last night and found his wife in bed with another man, he shot them both and then turned the gun on himself "

"That's awful" said Frank, "but it could have been worse "..

"How in the hell" asked his bewildered friend "could it have been worse ".

"Well" replied Frank "if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now".

…………………………………………


2 baggies fans go to Amsterdam on holiday. They go to a brothel and ask if they have got a fat ginger woman with no teeth, a heroin habit and smells bad . The Madam says, "You boys are kinky." They reply, "Not really, we're just looking for our Mum!

…………………………………………….


"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
………………………………………………….
A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.

"This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up and says, "It's a what?"
…………………………………………………………..

[goldandblack]

They say the simplest inventions are the best. The guy who invented cat's eye's was driving his car at night when he saw a cat walking towards him and the reflection of the cat's eye's gave him his idea. He became a multi-millionaire. Just think, if the cat had been walking the other way he might have invented the pencil sharpener.

___________________________________________________________________________________________


I said to my doctor, "I've got a problem with the hearing in one of my ears."
He said, "Are you sure?"
I said, "Yes, I'm definite."

[Mauswara]

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."

This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

[marko69]

[Mauswara]

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma for six 6 months. When she awoke she immediately asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no! Not my brother, he's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?

Doctor: <sighs deeply> Denephew.

[goldandblack]

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."

This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

Brilliant,

[goldandblack]

The manager of Lands End F.C. has resigned after another recent defeat this time against John O'groats utd.
Stating "I feel I have taken them as far as I can".
……………………………
Fella Walks into a pub and orders a pint.
That will be a penny sir says the Barman.
Fella says thats cheap, how much is it for Steak and Chips.
That will be 2 pennies sir says the Barman.
That’s cheap. Where’s the guy that owns this place,
Upstairs with my wife the barman replies.
What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?
The same thing as I’m doing to his business down here, answers the barman,
…………………………………….
According to Sky News 3 cliff walkers have fallen to their death.
Fancy that! Them all having the same name!

[marko69]

Paddy finds some young foxes in a suitcase in the woods behind his house.
He calls the RSPCA.

The woman asks: “Are they moving?”

“I have no idea. But that would explain the suitcase.”

[goldandblack]

Paddy finds some young foxes in a suitcase in the woods behind his house.
He calls the RSPCA.

The woman asks: “Are they moving?”

“I have no idea. But that would explain the suitcase.”

Two rednecks, Billy Bob and Luther. were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation... only this year I'm gonna do it differently. The last few years, I been taking your advice 'bout where to go...

Three years ago, you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther turns to Billy Bob and asks, "So, what are you gonna do this year that's different?"

"I'm taking Earlene with me."

[Mauswara]

Paddy finds some young foxes in a suitcase in the woods behind his house.
He calls the RSPCA.

The woman asks: “Are they moving?”

“I have no idea. But that would explain the suitcase.”

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Knock knock
Who's there?
Little old lady
Little old lady who?
I didn't know you could Yodel

[Mauswara]

Paddy's a keen Republican and goes for a trip to New York. He's about to cross busy 7th avenue when a burly NYPD officer grabs him, pulling him back onto the sidewalk asking "What the __ do you think you are doing?"

"I've just arrived from Ireland and I want to cross the street. The officer is Irish too, "Ta be sure Paddy, over here you have to wait for the pedestrian traffic lights to turn green, before you can be crossing the road."

Paddy watches the lights go from red, orange, then to green. "Ya can be crossing now Paddy!"

Paddy sets off but halfway across stops, turns around and says "Jeez, they don't give them protestants much time so they?"

[goldandblack]

took a while but got it Mauswara

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say that they are going to have 4 to 6 inches of snow today,
You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through
Bobs wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later they are eating breakfast and the announcer says "We are expecting 6- 8 inches of snow today..
you must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplough can get through."
Bobs wife goes out and moves her car again
The next week they are having breakfast again when the radio announcer says we are expecting 8 to 10 inches of snow today you must park...... then there is a power cut.
Bobs wife is very upset with a worried look on her face says..
Honey I don't know what to do.. which side of the street do I need to park so the snowplough can get through...
Husband with the love and understanding like all men who are married to dumb blondes....says..
"Honey why don't you just leave it in the garage this time? "

[marko69]

That went in a different direction to what i was thinking, Wolfie.
Must clean my mind out!!

[goldandblack]

That went in a different direction to what i was thinking, Wolfie.
Must clean my mind out!!

just cant imaging what was in your mind Marko , also cant think there's many that can,


try this one.

A policeman tests 3 men who are training to become detectives.

He shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds then asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?"

The guy answers, "That's easy; he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "No, that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

He flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy. "This is your suspect; how would you recognise him?"

The second guy smiles and says, "Easy, he's only got one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "Of course only one eye and one ear are showing. It's a picture of his side profile!"

Extremely frustrated, he shows the picture to the third guy, "This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?

The third guy looks at the picture and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

He checks the suspect's file on his computer, and to his astonishment finds that the suspect was wearing contact lenses.

"Wow! The suspect does wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" he asks.

"That's easy," the third guy replied." He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

[arana peligrosa]

Did I mention I only sleep with homeless women..

So much easier to get them to stay the night.

And after you fu.ck them, you can drop them off anywhere..

[marko69]

Did I mention I only sleep with homeless women..

So much easier to get them to stay the night.

And after you fu.ck them, you can drop them off anywhere..

[marko69]

My wife says i don’t satisfy her anymore.

Thats because i’m a man. Not a f**king cake shop.

[Mauswara]

My wife says i don’t satisfy her anymore.

Thats because i’m a man. Not a f**king cake shop.

Got a proper snort out of that one, thanks.

-

Dad, can I ask you a question?
~ Sure son, anything.
Where do I come from?
~ Except Geography, I don't do Geography.

[Mauswara]

My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.