JOKES

[goldandblack]

The teacher asked the class to use the word “Fascinate” in a sentence,
Little Johnny puts his hand up.
Teacher from past experience told Johnny to put his hand down,
Molly puts up her hand, “My family went to my grandad’s farm, and we saw his pet sheep.
It was fascinating”
The teacher said “That was good Molly, but I wanted you to use the word “Fascinate”
Little Johnny puts his hand up.
Teacher from past experience told Johnny to put his hand down,
Sally raised her hand. She said “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.
The teacher said “That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word “Fascinate”
Little Johnny puts his hand up.
With no other hands up she decided to give Johnny another chance.
OK Johnny lets hear yours,
John said “ My aunty Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons,
But her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.

[goldandblack]

The BIG Question

Is there a SANTA CLAUS?



No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying
reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear to) handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west(which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.
On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anoint, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion -- If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Merry Christmas!

[Mauswara]

[Bluemike]

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with "tor" and
that also ate things.
The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word." The second boy said, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my mother has one and she says it eats bloody batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

[number 9]

Did you know Captain Kirk has 5 ears? Two on the side. Two in the back, and the final frontier.

[Mauswara]

I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave if I didn't stop singing "I'm A Believer".

And then I saw her face.

[marko69]

I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave if I didn't stop singing "I'm A Believer".

And then I saw her face.

nice

[number 9]

I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave if I didn't stop singing "I'm A Believer".

And then I saw her face.

I like that one.

[number 9]

When Napoleon died, the doctor performing the autopsy amputated Napoleon's p**** for safe keeping. When the doctor died, Napoleon's amputated p**** was passed down to family members. Today, Napoleon's family still continues the tradition of passing down Napoleon's boner-part.

[arana peligrosa]

It is possible to say pr*ck around here without need of filter. Edit, tried a preview and the middle letter is omitted.

Maybe you meant p**** - yeah that's completely wiped out all but first letter.

As an aside, try typing in y-a-n-k-s (all one word) and see what occurs. What, is that derogatory towards Americans or something, you can't allow it ? Never really took offense to it, with enough time it's innocuous terminology, nothing more.

[Bluemike]

"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “

[goldandblack]

"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “

very good Mike,

[number 9]

What’s the difference between a Catholic Priest and Woody from Toy Story?

Woody goes limp when children enter the room.

[number 9]

I guess that last joke was a bit too risqué…sorry no offense.

[marko69]

Joking.

Think I heard it about 3 weeks after Toy Story came out in 95!

Can't speak for all practising Catholics or "not religious anymore" Catholics (like me) ......, but we laugh the loudest and longest at these types of joke.


Like this one. (And don't feckin read on anyone if you're easily offended)

Choirboy at confession: "I've been waiting 5 minutes, Father. What are you doing?"
Priest: "I am masturbating. One day you'll be doing this young boy."
Choirboy: "Will i? Why?"
Priest: "Because my wrist is killing me."

Complaints on a postcard to Frosty, Mike or Charnwood.

[number 9]

Joking.

Think I heard it about 3 weeks after Toy Story came out in 95!

Can't speak for all practising Catholics or "not religious anymore" Catholics (like me) ......, but we laugh the loudest and longest at these types of joke.


Like this one. (And don't feckin read on anyone if you're easily offended)

Choirboy at confession: "I've been waiting 5 minutes, Father. What are you doing?"
Priest: "I am masturbating. One day you'll be doing this young boy."
Choirboy: "Will i? Why?"
Priest: "Because my wrist is killing me."

Complaints on a postcard to Frosty, Mike or Charnwood.

Still laughing!

[Bluemike]

In a winery the regular tester died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunk Royal Navy Veteran with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. They tested him.
They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It's red wine, a muscat, three years old,
grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass. "It's red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a south western slope, oak barrels."
"Correct." The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She brought in a glass of urine. The Royal Navy Veteran tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, made inside the office.
And if you don't give me the job, I'll also tell who's the father!"
The boss collapsed!

[number 9]

An Irish man rescued a leprechaun from the grasp of tree roots in the Bohill forest. The leprechaun granted his savior three wishes. His first wish, pints of Guinness from here to eternity. The leprechaun reciprocated. His second wish, pints of Guinness from here to eternity. The leprechaun reciprocated. His third wish...after much thought, well I think I'll need more Guinness!

[marko69]

My mother was 80% Irish.
Her name was Iris.

[Bluemike]

A Barnsley lad gets a job at the zoo on his first day the boss said feed the bees, he came back and said all the bees are dead, so the boss said mush them up and feed them to the finches, he came back and said all the finches are dead, the boss then said throw the finches to the chimps, a while later he comes back and said all the chimps are dead! well throw the chimps to the tigers they'll eat anything ....the tigers are talking to each other and one says I'm starving what's for tea ? the other tiger says it looks like Finch, chimps and mushy bees !!!

[marko69]

Dear F**king God, I laughed out loud!!

[goldandblack]

A burglar broke into a home. He heard a voice say,
“Jesus is watching you”
Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search
Again,” “Jesus is watching you”
He turned his flashlight around, and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if it was him talking,
The parrot said yes,
He asked the parrot his name, The parrot said “Moses”
The burglar asked “what kind of people would name a parrot Moses,
The parrot said
“ the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus

[goldandblack]

If Celine Dion sang just the vowels in her name
It would be the lyrics to Old McDonald’s had a farm.

[marko69]

If Celine Dion sang just the vowels in her name
It would be the lyrics to Old McDonald’s had a farm.

[marko69]

So proud of my grandson. He arrived at the house yesterday wearing a “Stop Bullying” wristband.

He took it from a fat kid with glasses.

[Bluemike]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

[marko69]

Boy: “Dad. Why was my sister named Teresa?”

Dad: “Teresa is an anagram of Easter. Its your mums favourite time of year.”

Boy: “Thanks dad.”

Dad: “No worries, Alan.”

[Frosty]

Boy: “Dad. Why was my sister named Teresa?”

Dad: “Teresa is an anagram of Easter. Its your mums favourite time of year.”

Boy: “Thanks dad.”

Dad: “No worries, Alan.”

that is brilliant

[marko69]

A recent study has shown that women who carry extra weight tend to live longer than the men who mention it.

[number 9]

OJ Simpson was initially offered the lead in the Terminator movie, but the producers didn't think he looked like a killer.