JOKES

A place to chat about anything thats not football related. Most of the threads in here are completely pointless which is why people keep coming back and back. As the forum title suggests, feel free to make any post you want on any subject you wish. It also has Adult jokes (so be warned) which is the other reason people keep coming back.

Moderators: marko69, Bluemike, Charnwood

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number 9
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Re: JOKES

Post by number 9 » Tue Apr 16, 2024 9:56 pm

What do you call a Mexican who’s a victim of larceny? Carlos

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Wed Apr 17, 2024 7:05 pm

What do you call a very short Mexican woman?

Consuelo.

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number 9
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Re: JOKES

Post by number 9 » Wed Apr 17, 2024 10:52 pm

What’s the difference between a bean burrito and a steak and kidney pie for dinner? Fart count

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marko69
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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Fri Apr 19, 2024 3:18 pm

Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge.

Today I had a tuna sandwich named Linda.

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Mauswara
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Re: JOKES

Post by Mauswara » Tue Apr 23, 2024 12:16 pm

Image

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marko69
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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Fri Apr 26, 2024 12:34 pm

The WiFi just went down in the house and all the kids came running out of their rooms.

Wow, couldn’t believe it. They’ve really grown up.

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Re: JOKES

Post by number 9 » Wed May 08, 2024 10:54 pm

The Chief of the Oswego tribe holds his stomach in pain. He fears the gods are punishing him for dealing with the white man and their concoctions of whiskey and roasted wild game. He sends Swan Feather to find his relief from the looming future that has approached him.

Young Swan Feather goes to the medicine man, and proclaims big chief, no fart! The medicine man reciprocates and gives Swan Feather a pill for big chief to take.

One week later, young Swan Feather returns and proclaims, big chief no fart!

The medicine man flips through his book of alchemy and retorts, give this bigger pill to big chief.

Swan Feather returns again, proclaiming big chief no fart. The medicine man opens a bottle of huge pills and says take this to big chief.

Two weeks pass, and Swan Feather is no where to be found. The sun rises to the east and Swan Feather emerges from smoke and fire. He stumbles into the medicine man’s Tipi, his clothes burnt and torn. The medicine man puts his hand on young Swan Feather’s head and asks, big chief, no fart? With his last breath Swan Feather looks into the medicine man’s eyes and says…

Big fart, no chief!

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marko69
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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Thu May 09, 2024 1:39 am

^^ :lol: ^^

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Fri May 10, 2024 2:28 pm

My friend told me she was going to marry a witch doctor.

Puzzled, I asked her why.

She replied "Pwobably for the financial secuwity.”

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Bluemike
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Re: JOKES

Post by Bluemike » Fri May 10, 2024 6:06 pm

Erik ten Hag walks into a bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier:"It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"

Ten Hag:"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Erik ten Hag, Manager of Manchester United”.

Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Ten Hag: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Hag but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Ten Hag:"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."

"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"

Erik stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Ten Hag?”

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number 9
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Re: JOKES

Post by number 9 » Fri May 10, 2024 8:09 pm

:lol:

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number 9
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Re: JOKES

Post by number 9 » Fri May 10, 2024 10:00 pm

Ansley Begbie tells his grandad to go see the doctor. The patriarch of the clan is failing in health.

Grandad agrees to visit the doctor only because it’s free.

What’s the problem then?…the doctor asks.

Grandad: I dunno me hands keep shaking!

Doctor: Aye, do you drink much?

Grandad: Naw, I spill most of it!

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number 9
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Re: JOKES

Post by number 9 » Fri May 10, 2024 10:12 pm

How do you get an Irishman dizzy?

Put him in a barrel and tell him to p*ss in the corner.

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number 9
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Re: JOKES

Post by number 9 » Sat May 11, 2024 10:55 pm

An Englishman goes on holiday to Portugal and asks the waiter if he can have some Portuguese sausage for breakfast.

The waiter responds, yes sir…but I’m not sure I know you.

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Mauswara
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Re: JOKES

Post by Mauswara » Sun May 12, 2024 3:02 am

Man goes to his doctor "Doc, I think I'm losing my hearing".

Doctor says. "Can you describe the symptoms for me"

Man replies "Sure. Homer is fat and bald, Marge has tall blue hair..."

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Mauswara
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Re: JOKES

Post by Mauswara » Sun May 12, 2024 3:04 am

The missus kept nagging me everyday to stop acting like a flamingo; she just would not stop.

It got so bad, I finally had to put my foot down.

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Re: JOKES

Post by Bluemike » Tue May 14, 2024 5:51 pm

Poorly feller and his wife sat in a Doctor's office. The Doctor says, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but you've got GASH". "What the Hell is that?" says the wife. "Gonnoreah, Aids, Syphilis and Herpes" says the Doc.
"Oh my God, what are you going to do with him?" says the wife. "Well", says the Doc, "We'll have to stick him in a room and feed him pancakes". "Pancakes?" says the wife, "will they help him?" "No" says the Doc, " but it's the only thing that will fit under the f*ckin door".

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Tue May 14, 2024 10:03 pm

Bluemike wrote:
Tue May 14, 2024 5:51 pm
Poorly feller and his wife sat in a Doctor's office. The Doctor says, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but you've got GASH". "What the Hell is that?" says the wife. "Gonnoreah, Aids, Syphilis and Herpes" says the Doc.
"Oh my God, what are you going to do with him?" says the wife. "Well", says the Doc, "We'll have to stick him in a room and feed him pancakes". "Pancakes?" says the wife, "will they help him?" "No" says the Doc, " but it's the only thing that will fit under the f*ckin door".
:lol: :lol: :lol:

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Re: JOKES

Post by Bluemike » Wed May 22, 2024 7:27 am

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & told her to mash up some green persimmons & rub them on her nipples and all over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up & you won't be able to talk properly for a while. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the vicar walked up to the pulpit and said,
“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.

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marko69
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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Fri May 24, 2024 12:00 pm

Thought its time to let the forum know some truths about me. Its been bothering me for weeks, but today i share.
I identify as an apple & a pear.
Im non bananary.

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marko69
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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Sat May 25, 2024 8:06 pm

The sky was looking ominous so l asked Siri,
"Surely, it's not going to rain today?"
And she replied, "Yes it is, and don't call me Shirley."
That was when I realized I'd left my phone on
Airplane mode.

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AzzurroMark
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Re: JOKES

Post by AzzurroMark » Thu May 30, 2024 1:00 pm

My wife told me that holiday sex is the best sex ever!

Frankly, not the nicest postcard I ever got.

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Re: JOKES

Post by AzzurroMark » Thu May 30, 2024 1:00 pm

As a child we were so poor that all of my school clothes came from the Army Surplus shop.

I was the only Japanese General in my class.

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marko69
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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Fri Jun 07, 2024 4:28 pm

"Can you get this stain out of my wife's dress please?" I ask.

"Come again?" replies the laundrette employee.

"No it's salad cream this time.”

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Bluemike
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Re: JOKES

Post by Bluemike » Tue Jun 11, 2024 7:17 pm


An old man gets on a bus. There are no Seats so he stands and leans on his walking stick for support. The bus brakes suddenly at one stage and he slips. A young man sitting in a seat next to him says, " Hey Mister, if you had a rubber on the end of your stick that would not have happened"..The old man replies" If your Father had taken the same advice I would have a fecking Seat.

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marko69
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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Tue Jun 11, 2024 8:28 pm

^^^ :lol: ^^^ Very good

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ITFC2024
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Re: JOKES

Post by ITFC2024 » Tue Jun 11, 2024 9:27 pm

What do you call it when a man finishes in his wife?

Putting liquid in the dishwasher!

(Sorry girls!) :lol:

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Bluemike
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Re: JOKES

Post by Bluemike » Wed Jun 19, 2024 10:14 am


A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk" !!
Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"

Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job,"

Says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus,"

Says the barman.

"The circus?"

Repeats the duck.

"That's right,"

Replies the barman.

"The circus?"

The duck asks again.

with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says

"What the hell would they want with a plasterer" ???

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marko69
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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Thu Jun 20, 2024 12:40 pm

Its a double joke this ……. When he FIRST said he’s a plasterer, I pi$$ed myself laughing.

This is my son-in-laws humour so i copied and pasted to him. His reply:

🤣🤣🤣 thats such a bad joke it's funny as hell!

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Bluemike
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Re: JOKES

Post by Bluemike » Thu Jun 20, 2024 1:20 pm

It really is bad lol

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