JOKES

A place to chat about anything thats not football related. Most of the threads in here are completely pointless which is why people keep coming back and back. As the forum title suggests, feel free to make any post you want on any subject you wish. It also has Adult jokes (so be warned) which is the other reason people keep coming back.

Moderators: marko69, Bluemike, Charnwood

Post Reply
User avatar
ITFC2024
Posts: 201
Joined: Fri May 17, 2024 2:38 pm

Re: JOKES

Post by ITFC2024 » Tue Jun 25, 2024 1:47 pm

What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown? Artificial intelligence

User avatar
marko69
Global Moderator
Posts: 24804
Joined: Mon Apr 13, 2009 2:16 am
Location: Somewhere between here and there.

Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Tue Jun 25, 2024 6:42 pm

Or “Art Intel” for short, 24?

https://www.jabberthemag.com/art-intel

User avatar
Bluemike
Global Moderator
Posts: 30445
Joined: Mon May 18, 2009 5:26 pm
Location: Ipswich

Re: JOKES

Post by Bluemike » Fri Jun 28, 2024 3:54 pm

A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a Fancy Dress Party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will look just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note.

Dear Sir
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a Monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasising his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.

So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:

Dear Sir

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden syrup over your bald head, let it harden! then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple..

User avatar
marko69
Global Moderator
Posts: 24804
Joined: Mon Apr 13, 2009 2:16 am
Location: Somewhere between here and there.

Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Fri Jun 28, 2024 5:01 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:

User avatar
Bluemike
Global Moderator
Posts: 30445
Joined: Mon May 18, 2009 5:26 pm
Location: Ipswich

Re: JOKES

Post by Bluemike » Mon Jul 01, 2024 7:05 pm

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian.
They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have to worry about being eaten all the time."

As he said this, a large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted!"

And believe it or not, with that Justin turned into a fearsome shark.

Kristian was horrified and so immediately swam away as he was scared of being eaten by his old friend.

As time went by, Justin found his new life as a shark to be boring and lonely. None of his old friends would let him get near them as they thought he would eat them and so they just swam away whenever he approached.

It took a while, but eventually Justin realized that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

Then one day he was swimming all alone as usual when he saw the mysterious cod again. He thought it'd be better if he could go back to his old life so he swam to the cod and begged to be changed back. The cod worked his magic and suddenly Justin was a prawn once more.

With tears of joy streaming down his cheeks Justin swam straight to Kristian's home.

As he opened the coral gate, the happy memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "Kristian, it's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again."

Kristian replied, "No way! You're a shark now and you'll just eat me. I'm not being tricked into being your dinner."

Justin shouted back "No, I'm not a shark any more. That was the old me. I've changed...

I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Kristian." .

User avatar
marko69
Global Moderator
Posts: 24804
Joined: Mon Apr 13, 2009 2:16 am
Location: Somewhere between here and there.

Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Mon Jul 01, 2024 8:21 pm

Where you getting these? Very good :lol: ....., not quite Toffee Apple guy but still good. :lol:

User avatar
Bluemike
Global Moderator
Posts: 30445
Joined: Mon May 18, 2009 5:26 pm
Location: Ipswich

Re: JOKES

Post by Bluemike » Fri Jul 05, 2024 5:13 pm

A postman delivering a letter to a house,when suddenly this great dane jumps up and puts his front legs on his shoulders and starts growling. The owner of the house opens the upstairs window and she says "kick his balls he loves that" the postman says"you sure" she says "oh yes". The postman boots the great dane between the legs and the dog looks very angry. The owner says "your in trouble now,I meant kick the toy balls on the lawn"

User avatar
marko69
Global Moderator
Posts: 24804
Joined: Mon Apr 13, 2009 2:16 am
Location: Somewhere between here and there.

Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Sat Jul 06, 2024 10:28 am

He scores the hatrick!! :lol: …… Got a chuckle out of that one.

User avatar
marko69
Global Moderator
Posts: 24804
Joined: Mon Apr 13, 2009 2:16 am
Location: Somewhere between here and there.

Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Sat Jul 06, 2024 10:41 am

My girlfriend invited me to her house where I found her sister alone.
I sat there waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievably sexy sister was sitting there with me.

A few moments go by, then she sits next to me, and whispers in my ear “We should have sex before my sister comes home.”

I immediately got up and turned around to walk out the door. I found my girlfriend standing by the door. She hugged me and said “That was a test. You've won my trust.”

Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car.

goldnblack
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Apr 08, 2024 8:45 pm

Re: JOKES

Post by goldnblack » Sat Jul 06, 2024 2:27 pm

A guy walks into a crowded bar waving a pistol. and yelled
" I have a 45 caliber 1911 colt gun with a seven round magazine plus 0ne in the chamber,
and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife"
A voice from the back of the bar shouts
" your gonna need more amo than that mate". :)

goldnblack
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Apr 08, 2024 8:45 pm

Re: JOKES

Post by goldnblack » Sat Jul 06, 2024 2:51 pm

I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions as soon as she walked through the door

goldnblack
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Apr 08, 2024 8:45 pm

Re: JOKES

Post by goldnblack » Sat Jul 06, 2024 2:56 pm

A fish was swimming in a lake when he came across 2 fish he'd never seen before.
The fish said to the younger of the fish" What sort of fish are you*
The older fish replied " Don't tell him Pikey*

User avatar
Mauswara
Posts: 633
Joined: Tue Dec 06, 2022 2:15 am

Re: JOKES

Post by Mauswara » Sat Jul 06, 2024 4:39 pm

Top marks. Do you like crosswords?

goldnblack
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Apr 08, 2024 8:45 pm

Re: JOKES

Post by goldnblack » Sat Jul 06, 2024 7:59 pm

Mauswara wrote:
Sat Jul 06, 2024 4:39 pm
Top marks. Do you like crosswords?
:wink:

goldnblack
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Apr 08, 2024 8:45 pm

Re: JOKES

Post by goldnblack » Sun Jul 07, 2024 1:07 pm

I'm very angry what I witnessed in Torquay yesterday. I saw a man and a woman having an almighty row ,drink involved, in front of loads of kids and completely oblivious to passing onlookers. Suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl until someone called the Police. When the copper turned up he had to take his baton to the man. All hell broke loose and there was a huge fight! Eventually this idiot managed to snatch the baton off the cop and began assaulting him and his own wife! Then this Crocodile sneaked up and stole all the Sausages.

User avatar
Mauswara
Posts: 633
Joined: Tue Dec 06, 2022 2:15 am

Re: JOKES

Post by Mauswara » Sun Jul 07, 2024 1:41 pm

Brilliant :)

User avatar
Bluemike
Global Moderator
Posts: 30445
Joined: Mon May 18, 2009 5:26 pm
Location: Ipswich

Re: JOKES

Post by Bluemike » Tue Jul 09, 2024 2:10 pm

Two ships collided into each other on a densely foggy day on the ocean.
The two captains (a man and a woman) wind up in the same hospital and they fall in love. They give up their sailing careers to raise a family.

When the wife was almost ready to give birth, they said it would be really sweet if their child chose a career that would be helpful in preventing seafaring tragedies like the one they experienced.

On the day their child was born, the husband was too nervous to be in the delivery room. After the child was born, he went to go see his wife and newborn child.

The wife is exuberant and tells her husband, "Great news, honey! It's a buoy!"

User avatar
goldandblack
Posts: 6667
Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:48 am
Location: in the doghouse

Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Tue Jul 09, 2024 3:10 pm

Bluemike wrote:
Tue Jul 09, 2024 2:10 pm
Two ships collided into each other on a densely foggy day on the ocean.
The two captains (a man and a woman) wind up in the same hospital and they fall in love. They give up their sailing careers to raise a family.

When the wife was almost ready to give birth, they said it would be really sweet if their child chose a career that would be helpful in preventing seafaring tragedies like the one they experienced.

On the day their child was born, the husband was too nervous to be in the delivery room. After the child was born, he went to go see his wife and newborn child.

The wife is exuberant and tells her husband, "Great news, honey! It's a buoy!"
I've been sharing your jokes on the Mix Mike, really go down well.

User avatar
goldandblack
Posts: 6667
Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:48 am
Location: in the doghouse

Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Tue Jul 09, 2024 3:22 pm

I think its disgraceful that after 50 years,
people don't know who Neil Armstrong is,
or the type of trumpet he played,

User avatar
marko69
Global Moderator
Posts: 24804
Joined: Mon Apr 13, 2009 2:16 am
Location: Somewhere between here and there.

Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Fri Jul 19, 2024 8:15 pm

A German dwarf jumped into the river yesterday to save my little dog which was drowning.

After he climbed out, he handed me the saved dog and said "Here is ze dog, keep him varm, dry him off, then give him some food and he vill be fine"

I said "Thank you so much for saving my dog. Are you a little vet?"

He replied "A little vet? I'm f***ing soaking.”

User avatar
Bluemike
Global Moderator
Posts: 30445
Joined: Mon May 18, 2009 5:26 pm
Location: Ipswich

Re: JOKES

Post by Bluemike » Tue Jul 23, 2024 12:06 pm

An army General inspects the sick soldiers in hospital, he goes up to one private and asks: “What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic syphilis, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." “What's your ambition?" “To get back to the front, Sir.""Good man." says the General.

He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?""Chronic piles, Sir""What treatment are you getting?""Five minutes with the wire brush each day.""What's your ambition?""To get back to the front, Sir.""Good man." says the General.

He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?""Chronic gum disease, Sir""What treatment are you getting?""Five minutes with the wire brush each day.""What's your ambition?""
To get to the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

Post Reply