JOKES

[marko69]

If I was to ever roll a joint one day, I just know it’d be an ankle.

[ITFC2024]

Pirate ship sailing out to sea and the boatswain tells the Capt an enemy ship is approaching! Captain says, fetch my red shirt and the ensuing battle is won. Boatswain asks, why did you ask for a red shirt sir? Captain says it hides the blood if I get injured and doesn’t demoralize the crew.

Boatswain tells the Capt five enemy ships are approaching! Captain says, fetch my brown trousers.

[marko69]

A WWII veteran pilot with a heavy accent goes to a school to share his experiences during the war.

He goes into his introduction and starts to describe his time spent in Germany as a pilot.

"So there I was, flying alone, and one f*cker comes out of nowhere, and I shot that f*cker down."

The teachers eyes go wide and she stammers, but he continues...

"Then from the left, another f*cker, after a prolonged dogfight I took him down."

The teacher tries to stop him, but he finishes his story...

"Then from the right comes another f*cker and I shot HIM down too!"

The teacher quickly turns to the students and explains,
“There is a plane called a Focker that was used during the war."

The vet turns to the teacher, "Yeah, but this was in World War II, and those Fuckers were Messerschmitt's."

[Bluemike]

My mate Paddy went to the doctor and says, "Doctor, it's me arse, I'd like you to take a look, if you could?"
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible," he says, "There is a £20 note lodged up here"
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, only to see another £10 note appear.
"This is amazing" exclaims the
Doctor "What do You want me to do?
"Well for goodness sake take it out" says Paddy.
So the doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and so on...
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Doctor, thank ya kindly, That's much better, how much is there then?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1990 exactly.
"Ah, that'd be right." says Paddy" I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

[ITFC2024]

In 1802, the condom was invented in New Zealand...by using sheep's lower intestine.

Some years later, Australians refined the idea by removing the intestine from the sheep first.

[Mauswara]

In 1802, the condom was invented in New Zealand...by using sheep's lower intestine.

Some years later, Australians refined the idea by removing the intestine from the sheep first.

Reminds me a bit of former NZ Premier Muldoon's comment about every New Zealander that moves to Australia raising the IQ of both countries.

[ITFC2024]

In 1802, the condom was invented in New Zealand...by using sheep's lower intestine.

Some years later, Australians refined the idea by removing the intestine from the sheep first.

Reminds me a bit of former NZ Premier Muldoon's comment about every New Zealander that moves to Australia raising the IQ of both countries.

[marko69]

How many dead bodies does it take to change a light bulb?

Obviously more than 6. My basement is still dark.

(Bit of "dark" humour there from the plumbers forum)

[ITFC2024]

Doctor can you help me? My d*ck is always swollen! Take an Advil and rub it until soft.

[Bluemike]

While watching "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" in bed, I turned to my wife and asked, "Want to have sex?"
Without even glancing my way, she replied, "No."
"Is that your final answer?" I asked.
"Yes," she said firmly.
"Alright," I said, "then I’d like to phone a friend."
And that’s when the fight began.

We went out to a restaurant, and the waiter took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare," I said.
He raised an eyebrow and asked, "Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah," I replied, "she can order for herself."
And that’s when the fight began.

At her high school reunion, my wife couldn’t stop staring at a drunken man at a nearby table.
"Do you know him?" I asked.
"Yes," she sighed. "He’s my old boyfriend. I hear he started drinking right after we broke up and hasn’t been sober since."
I said, "Wow! Who knew someone could celebrate that long?"
And that’s when the fight began.

When the lawn mower broke, my wife kept hinting I should fix it, but I always had other priorities.
One day, I came home to find her in the yard, cutting the grass with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched for a moment, then silently went into the house. When I returned, I handed her a toothbrush and said, "When you’re done, you might as well sweep the driveway too."
The doctors say I’ll recover, but I’ll always walk with a limp.

My wife sat next to me as I was flipping through channels.
"What’s on TV?" she asked.
"Dust," I replied.
And that’s when the fight began.

One Saturday, I got up early to go fishing, but heavy rain and wind forced me to cancel.
I quietly undressed and slipped back into bed, cuddling up to my wife. "Terrible weather out there," I whispered.
Without turning around, she replied, "Can you believe my idiot husband went out fishing in this?"
And that’s when the fight began.

For our anniversary, my wife hinted she wanted something shiny that could go from 0 to 150 in seconds.
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that’s when the fight began.

When I went to apply for Social Security, I realized I’d forgotten my ID.
The clerk asked me to unbutton my shirt, and when she saw my silver chest hair, she said, "That’s proof enough," and processed my application.
Excitedly, I told my wife the story when I got home.
She said, "You should’ve dropped your pants; they might’ve given you disability too."
And that’s when the fight began.

One morning, my wife stood in front of the mirror, unhappy with her reflection.
"I feel old, fat, and ugly," she said. "I need a compliment."
I replied, "Your eyesight is perfect."
And that’s when the fight began.

This morning, I rear-ended another car. The driver got out and turned out to be a dwarf.
He glared at me and said, "I am NOT happy!"
So I asked, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
And that’s when the fight began.

One Christmas, I bought my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a gift.
The next year, I didn’t get her anything.
When she asked why, I said, "Well, you haven’t used last year’s gift yet!"
And that’s when the fight began.

[marko69]

Was on a train earlier, at one of those table seats. A woman sitting opposite me.
Apparently she was reading an article on life and death statistics.
She said to me, "Did you know that every time I breathe, someone dies?"
I said, "Really? You ever tried mouthwash?"