MARCO.You up for a game of golf

[goldandblack]

Pleased to meet you Jimmy Mac......., but I have a feeling Pepsi is not on her way to sort out the sheep......, judging by your face, you've just ate her ya bstd eh?

Got your pm, Wolfie......, those people at Danone were quite tight with the dosh eh? The Wickes payments look very decent indeed. "Its got my name on it" for sure.

Ok, I teed off but it hooked onto the beach and some little terrier dug has nicked it........, I know Jimmy Mac is full of Pepsi but can you get him to chase that little bstd down for me? cheers

well thinking about your feeling that Pepsi might have met a sticky end, I remembered we hav'nt actually got any sheep. or come to think of it there's no barn either.. but I do think our Pepsi can hold his own against some lip smacking Glaswegian.


Jimmy Mac, fetch that ball back from that flea riding terrier please. Jimmy we only wanted the ball not its tail you stupid dog. why are you licking your lips aye,

Dont laugh but Charnwood is still up that tree look.

Spike can you take Frosty' the snowmans shot.

Good shot Spike, lucky that tree was there or it could have gone on the green lol.

Agree the cheque seemed a bit less than what as agreed, i'll get onto the case ok.

the Wicks deal should make up for any under payment.

[goldandblack]

Have you seen anything of No 9 since the bear incident Marco.
Its his shot and we are being pushed by the course stewards, do you think Frosty is ever going to get here, if he stopped writing those reports on how unlucky you and me are in the prediction league he'd have been here yonks ago.


Update on our cheques
The reply from Danone was they are holding back 10% for security reasons, should get that sent by the end of November. So not to bad aye.

[Number 9]

Sorry lads, I've had to withdraw...pulled the bloody hamstring again! I'll be at the pub with Tina and LaShonda. Good luck!

[marko69]

Pulled the hamstring! Yeah right...... Lashonda is pulling something but it ain't no hamstring.

"Oi, LASH, leave that "9" alone,there is a golf game to complete"

The image on the other page didn't work, Wolfie......, didn't work on my computer anyway. Can you repost that?

Did you get an email from Wickes saying we shall be receiving a couple of tons of river washed pebbles each? Not quite sure what I'm going to do with them in my 2nd floor tenement flat, but it's a nice gesture.

[goldandblack]

Pulled the hamstring! Yeah right...... Lashonda is pulling something but it ain't no hamstring.

"Oi, LASH, leave that "9" alone,there is a golf game to complete"

The image on the other page didn't work, Wolfie......, didn't work on my computer anyway. Can you repost that?

Did you get an email from Wickes saying we shall be receiving a couple of tons of river washed pebbles each? Not quite sure what I'm going to do with them in my 2nd floor tenement flat, but it's a nice gesture.

yeah I cant seem to get any images to stay,

No 9, Our NHS will sort that for you mate, wont do anything for us Brits, but foreigners can get to the front of the Q .
ah well that's 2 down, suppose Spike and Mikie can continue in there own names.

Mikie, & Spike your in on your own , good luck.

Mikie your shot Sir.
FORE; good shot, think you could have hit it even further with the club cover taken off but you know best
no you cant hit it again until Spike tees off.

Spike your shot Sir,
FORE; Very funny, you cant use that here. anyway there's a small problem with the design.
I don't think Spike is up to this game, or safe around here.

Do we know anyone who wants a game, that fella from Denmark in JOKES ROOM seems to take things serious enough to play here,

[goldandblack]

Marco; the chimps asked if he can join the match, but there is conditions involved, I think those conditions could be the ruin of this site..

[goldandblack]

seems like a great deal,

[marko69]

I'm on the fence with that deal mate....., bit expensive for a fence that is guaranteed to blow half way down the street when the February gales arrive. Come on, Wickes...., get that knocked down a bit.

Just heard from Frosty. He apparently hired a car in Kettering. But the brakes, gearbox and clutch all failed at once on Sutton Bank....., he free wheeled at high speed down the hill into Thirsk racecourse and killed a guy called AP McCoy. Apparently famous for horses or some sh*t. Don't tell Charnwood.

I'm off to the hospital just now for a tetanus booster....., that wee bstd terrier bit my ankle......, Jimmy Mac was busy eating a child's bucket and spade. Useless mutt.

[goldandblack]

I'm on the fence with that deal mate....., bit expensive for a fence that is guaranteed to blow half way down the street when the February gales arrive. Come on, Wickes...., get that knocked down a bit.

Just heard from Frosty. He apparently hired a car in Kettering. But the brakes, gearbox and clutch all failed at once on Sutton Bank....., he free wheeled at high speed down the hill into Thirsk racecourse and killed a guy called AP McCoy. Apparently famous for horses or some sh*t. Don't tell Charnwood.

I'm off to the hospital just now for a tetanus booster....., that wee bstd terrier bit my ankle......, Jimmy Mac was busy eating a child's bucket and spade. Useless mutt.

Ah but for only 59p each, you can get a timber fence fixing bracket, or for the same price a fence fixing clip.

AP McCoy, didn't he make crisps or summit, I did hear they found traces of horse in the beef and onion crisps, perhaps there's a connection there, didn't think horse tasted anything like onion.

This Frosty could write a best seller on his trip to Scotland from NZ. Actually reading some of his stuff in the prediction league perhaps not.

Well I'm going to give this Jimmy Mac one last chance, fails and he's gone. OK.

Who's shot is it.

Perhaps a bit of home improvements if a new fence isn't needed. i cant believe these prices

[marko69]

They better be giving away free face masks with that MDF board..... Dangerous stuff.

Just out the hospital. I'm going to buy a bag of that bonding plaster for my right butt cheek.

To put you in the picture......, Jimmy Mac ate my balls. The terrier fecked off with my real one, so I took my balls out, and jimmy mac ate them. Where the hell did your mate in Glasgow get this mutt trained?

I managed to get a beach ball from a picnicking family...... I'll smack that and see where it lands. Hopefully someone will have a ball for me by then. I can't ask Minshkama as she is back at the hospital getting a Douwe Egberts Coffee enema.

[goldandblack]

They better be giving away free face masks with that MDF board..... Dangerous stuff.

Just out the hospital. I'm going to buy a bag of that bonding plaster for my right butt cheek.

To put you in the picture......, Jimmy Mac ate my balls. The terrier fecked off with my real one, so I took my balls out, and jimmy mac ate them. Where the hell did your mate in Glasgow get this mutt trained?

I managed to get a beach ball from a picnicking family...... I'll smack that and see where it lands. Hopefully someone will have a ball for me by then. I can't ask Minshkama as she is back at the hospital getting a Douwe Egberts Coffee enema.

funny how they say golf keeps yer fit, suppose we have proved that theory wrong

I think young Jimmy had a poor upbringing in the back streets of Glascow,he got put in a home for mad dogs, think it was called Parkhead,


heres some new balls mate. they take ages to go up but seem to come down very quick

[marko69]

Lol, cheers mate. My wife was just on the phone..,., conversation went like this. ,

Her: how did you get on at the hospital?
Me: great, I've got wolves balls.

Then the line cut off.

She's going to be wondering what the hell is going on.

[goldandblack]

Lol, cheers mate. My wife was just on the phone..,., conversation went like this. ,

Her: how did you get on at the hospital?
Me: great, I've got wolves balls.

Then the line cut off.

She's going to be wondering what the hell is going on.

yeah your probably live to regret it lol..

think its my second shot..

its on the fairway. I can see the flag and its around 220 yds, pass me the 7 iron Jimmy, Jimmy stop chewing whatever that is, its putting me off my swing.
FORE; Wow its going straight, straight into that bunker, think I can get out of that. might need Spikes Cannon

just wait till those 2 have found there balls. Jimmy go and help them find there balls.

[goldandblack]

bit of a problem here. I'm sure my ball went this way. where did the green go, actually where's the fairway gone.
getting a bit thirsty here.

[goldandblack]

Marco can you hear me, seems like this bunker is bigger than I thought, I've been walking 3 days, no water for 2 days and I've started seeing things. don't laugh but is there any camels in Scotland, Water, Water,


Had bit of bad luck yesterday, was on all fours when I saw this vender in the distance. I finally got to the stall and I said "can I have some water please". just my luck this bloke said I sell ties not water, he said if you walk that way in 4 hrs your find a café that has all the water you can drink. I finally got to the door of this café and this geezer at the door said " you cant come in here without a tie,"

[marko69]

Hey Wolfie......, all these pictures are making me want to go make a pot of beans, make some roll ups and watch "The good, The bad , and the Ugly".

[goldandblack]

Hey Wolfie......, all these pictures are making me want to go make a pot of beans, make some roll ups and watch "The good, The bad , and the Ugly".

well I was getting a bit concerned here Marco, but luckily enough I met this course guild and think i'm back on the right track.
you enjoy your grub and smokes and I should be there soon. water, WATER.

[goldandblack]

Good news and Bad new Marco.. I have found my ball. but these stupid camels wont give it back.

[arana peligrosa]

I've read through this thread item twice now and still can't ascertain what is going on.

[marko69]

Aww, silky stuff by the Giramel on the left there, wolfie.

[goldandblack]

Aww, silky stuff by the Giramel on the left there, wolfie.

think those camels were just having a giraffe with us, anyway got me ball back and took 2nd shot, think I know where it went.
just got to go and see that vulture with the A to Z of deserts and see what its doing for Xmas


is Jimmy Mac with you Marco.

Your shot Sir,

[goldandblack]

I've read through this thread item twice now and still can't ascertain what is going on.

Hi Manningtree, (stranger) Well in short, this is the Tractorboys.com Masters Golf match at St Andrews, we've had a couple of small problems with players.

Charnwood, stuck up a tree hiding from a Grizzly Bear.
Frosty; Somewhere on route from NZ. last reported in Kettering.
No 9. Quit after getting a hole in one on the 2nd hole. only mistake was it was Hole 3 he hit.
Marco No Comment. now banned from 4 out of the 5 bars withing 10 miles.
G & B now banned from 5 bars.

your in luck as we need a player to take frost'ys shots till he gets here. but you have to take it really serious.

[marko69]

Wolfie, I sent Jimmy Mac down the coast to Burntisland to the great wee bucket and spade souvenir shop to replace the bairns bucket and spade he chewed......, but I've just heard through the Jeremy Vine that he's raided the Anstruther fish bar. What a complete nuisance of a dog. Told him to bring me back a double fish and chips though.

Ok....., I smacked the beach ball onto the light rough at the edge of the fairway. A St Andrews official has since told me I can't play on with multi coloured balls..... Told him it was a drunken tattoo session and I can't even remember it......., apparently he meant my actual playing ball so he kindly gave me a proper golf ball.

Ok, Tatania...... 7 iron please. Oh yes, forgot to say...... Minshkama is actually a lawyer....., she got called away on a case...... Apparently some nutcase killed a well known horse racing jockey down in England. Could be away a while. Tatania is Minshes pal from Tickin Kiev....., very good looking and I have visions of us having sex in a bunker, but probably won't happen.

Ok, the ball is hit...... Looking good...... Wow...... Oh dear....... It's heading for that glass tv presenter house, *** SMASH ***......, oh my God. Looks like I've knocked out Peter Alliss. He's on his back and Hazel Irvine is on top of him. What have I done?!

I'll get onto the Wickes delivery guys....., get some plywood up here for that smashed window.

[goldandblack]

Wolfie, I sent Jimmy Mac down the coast to Burntisland to the great wee bucket and spade souvenir shop to replace the bairns bucket and spade he chewed......, but I've just heard through the Jeremy Vine that he's raided the Anstruther fish bar. What a complete nuisance of a dog. Told him to bring me back a double fish and chips though.

Ok....., I smacked the beach ball onto the light rough at the edge of the fairway. A St Andrews official has since told me I can't play on with multi coloured balls..... Told him it was a drunken tattoo session and I can't even remember it......., apparently he meant my actual playing ball so he kindly gave me a proper golf ball.

Ok, Tatania...... 7 iron please. Oh yes, forgot to say...... Minshkama is actually a lawyer....., she got called away on a case...... Apparently some nutcase killed a well known horse racing jockey down in England. Could be away a while. Tatania is Minshes pal from Tickin Kiev....., very good looking and I have visions of us having sex in a bunker, but probably won't happen.

Ok, the ball is hit...... Looking good...... Wow...... Oh dear....... It's heading for that glass tv presenter house, *** SMASH ***......, oh my God. Looks like I've knocked out Peter Alliss. He's on his back and Hazel Irvine is on top of him. What have I done?!

I'll get onto the Wickes delivery guys....., get some plywood up here for that smashed window.

I just knew that dog was no good, did he get salt and vinegar on the fish n chips. good shot if you took out that Peter Alliss, always did had to much to say for himself.

I think Wicks have some great deals on plywood at the moment. anyway i'll take my 3rd shot while you phone Wicks.
FORE; can you believe that, it just hit an old tramp on the head, bit of luck it rebounded back onto the fairway, while your fixing that window i'll go and see if he's ok.

did you see that sign back there,

[marko69]

An old tramp? Sure that wasn't Colin Montgomerie, Wolfie? Apparently he got so depressed about never winning a major that he roams the fairways of St Andrews wearing an old raincoat, carrying a shotgun and living on Bunny.

A guy from B&Q turned up with a DFS DIY MFI wardrobe. Sent him flat packing and called Wickes. Hopefully the ply turns up soon.

[marko69]

And jimmy Mac got as far as Crail, then munched all the fish and chips. Give me the number of the Glesgay trainer guy......., I'll phone him and get him to come and collect this mutt.

While I'm here, I'll just take my third shot. It landed in Gary Linekers lap. Rules say I need to hit it from there. 9 iron....... I've chipped it through the smashed window onto the green. What's that groaning? Oh dear...... Looks like the club got some Lineker as well as the ball. Oh well, that'll teach him to stick to the football and get the fk outta golf.

[goldandblack]

An old tramp? Sure that wasn't Colin Montgomerie, Wolfie? Apparently he got so depressed about never winning a major that he roams the fairways of St Andrews wearing an old raincoat, carrying a shotgun and living on Bunny.

A guy from B&Q turned up with a DFS DIY MFI wardrobe. Sent him flat packing and called Wickes. Hopefully the ply turns up soon.

don't think it was Colin Montgomerie,

Update on the Tramp;


update on the old tramp., when he came round I said you look terrible, he went on to tell me he hadn't eating for a week so I went to give him a twenty pound note, then I thought no.

I said to him if I give you this money will you buy food or drink it all away.
He said “ I hav'nt had a drink in over 20 yrs.

I said to him if I give you this money will you buy food or gamble it all away.
He said “ I hav'nt had a gamble in over 20 yrs.


I said to him if I give you this money will you buy food or spend it on loose women.
He said “ I hav'nt been down the red light district in over 20 yrs.

'Well, 'I said , 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.' The homeless man was astounded.' Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I replied , 'That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, gambling , and loose women.

[goldandblack]

And jimmy Mac got as far as Crail, then munched all the fish and chips. Give me the number of the Glesgay trainer guy......., I'll phone him and get him to come and collect this mutt.

While I'm here, I'll just take my third shot. It landed in Gary Linekers lap. Rules say I need to hit it from there. 9 iron....... I've chipped it through the smashed window onto the green. What's that groaning? Oh dear...... Looks like the club got some Lineker as well as the ball. Oh well, that'll teach him to stick to the football and get the fk outta golf.

well I think you did us all a favour chipping ol big ears where it hurts,,, a crisp shot , I think I would have used the sand wedge tho,'


so your on the green in 3 then. I'm on my 3rd shot. stand back, Fore. Wow,on the green in 3 as well

I'll put for par ok



that's its Jimmy Mac your fired you stupid dog, go on clear off.

[marko69]

What's the ruling with that one, Wolfie? Did you catch the mutt?

Wickes turned up with the ply. But they turned up just as Paul Michael Glasier turned up to fix the window with a HUGE sheet of glass. What a pane! Was beautiful. Asked the Wickes delivery guy to put the ply in the clubhouse for future breakages. He walked through the glass clubhouse door, without opening it, and put it in the utility cupboard. Number 9 was apparently in the cupboard locked in there. Fk knows what he was doing but he's free now. He's on the tee. But I'm having a quick coffee.

[goldandblack]

What's the ruling with that one, Wolfie? Did you catch the mutt?

Wickes turned up with the ply. But they turned up just as Paul Michael Glasier turned up to fix the window with a HUGE sheet of glass. What a pane! Was beautiful. Asked the Wickes delivery guy to put the ply in the clubhouse for future breakages. He walked through the glass clubhouse door, without opening it, and put it in the utility cupboard. Number 9 was apparently in the cupboard locked in there. Fk knows what he was doing but he's free now. He's on the tee. But I'm having a quick coffee.

Well I had a quick look in the rule book.
page 4 section 14 states.

If a Bird, Dog, Cat, etc should pick your ball up anywhere on the course, you get 1hr to catch the critter, return it to where it nicked the ball, while your caddy holds it down you can then hit the critter with the nominated club, (mine was the putter)
until it lets go of the ball, luckily enough as Jimmy Mac passed over the hole it dropped it into the hole, unlucky for Jimmy he landed under tiger woods buggy and is now part of the buggy. I'm gonna miss that Dog. what was its name again.

Anyway i'll give you your shot Sir.