MARCO.You up for a game of golf

A place to chat about anything thats not football related. Most of the threads in here are completely pointless which is why people keep coming back and back. As the forum title suggests, feel free to make any post you want on any subject you wish. It also has Adult jokes (so be warned) which is the other reason people keep coming back.

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by goldandblack » Wed Nov 27, 2013 12:53 am

marko69 wrote:Aw right, Wolferino........, I'm leaving you to choose who plays my shots for the next month. I'm off up North tomorrow until Sunday (Job in Banchory) then I'm off to Tarifa for three weeks next Monday. CANNOT WAIT! Won't have time to log on here. (Also put up all the weeks available to me on the prediction league so that I can continue to suck at it)

Aw the very best, 'MON THE HIBS, ITFC & THE WOLVES!......, FK THE JAMBOS! :D

well I need to go and find pepsi,he's been spoted in the highlands rounding up goats, he should have gone to specksavers,, so catch you when you get back. anyway it will give Frosty time to catch up.

have fun..

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by goldandblack » Wed Nov 27, 2013 2:23 pm

Leader Board after 5 Holes

1st.....Marco................. ...Evens
2nd....G&B........................2 +
3rd.....No 9/Spike.............. 12 +
4th.....Charnwood/Mikie ......16 +
5th.....Frosty...... ............ yet to start.




Match suspended as war has been declared on Colchester for shooting 3 of our troops based in Colchester as peace keepers since We thrashed them 3-0 there.
There names will not be released until there relatives have been informed,

R.I.P. LITTLE FRIENDS

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by goldandblack » Sun Nov 16, 2014 3:49 pm

Leader Board after 5 Holes

1st.....Marco................. ...Evens
2nd....G&B........................2 +
3rd.....No 9/Spike.............. 12 +
4th.....Charnwood/Mikie ......16 +
5th.....Frosty...... ............ yet to start.

HOLE 6.
357 yds. Par 4.. Wind 12 mph NE.

Marco to tee off. good luck. I'm just going to stand behind that tree OK.

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by marko69 » Sun Nov 16, 2014 11:49 pm

I've misplaced my clubs. But I have a Detroit Red Wings signed ice hockey stick. Let's give it a go.

Ok, I've hit it good and hard. Where the "puck" did it go?

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by goldandblack » Mon Nov 17, 2014 2:56 pm

marko69 wrote:I've misplaced my clubs. But I have a Detroit Red Wings signed ice hockey stick. Let's give it a go.

Ok, I've hit it good and hard. Where the "puck" did it go?
it sounded like a good shot mate, must confess tho I was cowering behind that tree and didn't see where it went.

my shot, I think a number 1 wood will just reach that fairway. whoooosh,, FORE. FORE.FOOOOOOOOOOOORE. sorry Marco, how many fingers can you see ? that's ok you hav'nt got concussion. good news I've found your ball, Well Pepsi did, how many fingers can you see Pepsi. ok I'll phone the vet.

We need a new player to take Spikes shot. any idea's. 8)

Marco 1st shot, 126 yds.
G&B 1st shot, 16 yds.

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by marko69 » Mon Nov 17, 2014 10:43 pm

That was a pucking sore one, Wolfie. Good job a Norwich City supporter was walking by, I saw his three eyes and six fingers. I'm ok!

126 yards with the ice hockey stick?! Not too bad at all, very happy with that.

Spike won't mind if I take his shot with my ice hockey stick will he?
Nope, sorry...... He's just told me to puck off.

Your shot G&B

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by goldandblack » Mon Nov 17, 2014 10:53 pm

marko69 wrote:That was a pucking sore one, Wolfie. Good job a Norwich City supporter was walking by, I saw his three eyes and six fingers. I'm ok!

126 yards with the ice hockey stick?! Not too bad at all, very happy with that.

Spike won't mind if I take his shot with my ice hockey stick will he?
Nope, sorry...... He's just told me to puck off.

Your shot G&B
Funny that, was watching some programme on telly where it said some bloke broke the fifth finger on his left hand, me and all white said exactly the same time " bet he comes from West Bromwich lol.


OK, looks like its just us two then,

Fore; WOW that went miles. think I've got the hang of this game, its landed on the fairway 50yds from the green,

your go Sir.

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by marko69 » Mon Nov 17, 2014 11:43 pm

I saw a homeless guy in Edinburgh the other day inside a cardboard box tipped on its side. The guy was wearing a very faded, old Jambos top. I kind of felt sorry for him so I placed my Starbucks coffee cup on top of the box. As I walked away he shouted, "Hey, mate, this is empty!"......., I replied, "Yeah, I know. Thought it could be a chimney for your wee house."
He hurled some abuse, but with him being a Jambo, I couldn't understand a fking word he was saying.

Ok, Wolfie......, as you could see, after I'd smacked it the 126......, ( and got lucky with the ricochets) it landed on some smooth grass. So I've used my 1978 Bill Werbenuik snooker cue to pot the golf ball further on. Couldn't use the ice hockey stick for that shot......, the last shot caused some forearm pain......, was pucking sore. (Have I went too far with the "puck" thing now?)

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by goldandblack » Tue Nov 18, 2014 12:14 am

marko69 wrote:I saw a homeless guy in Edinburgh the other day inside a cardboard box tipped on its side. The guy was wearing a very faded, old Jambos top. I kind of felt sorry for him so I placed my Starbucks coffee cup on top of the box. As I walked away he shouted, "Hey, mate, this is empty!"......., I replied, "Yeah, I know. Thought it could be a chimney for your wee house."
He hurled some abuse, but with him being a Jambo, I couldn't understand a fking word he was saying.

Ok, Wolfie......, as you could see, after I'd smacked it the 126......, ( and got lucky with the ricochets) it landed on some smooth grass. So I've used my 1978 Bill Werbenuik snooker cue to pot the golf ball further on. Couldn't use the ice hockey stick for that shot......, the last shot caused some forearm pain......, was pucking sore. (Have I went too far with the "puck" thing now?)
:lol:

Well your not on the green yet so NO you hav'nt gone to far yet. :wink:

I think you made a mistake using your 1978 Bill Werbenuik snooker cue on that shot, the 1979 Bill Werbenuik bar bill would have got you another 5 yrds. easy mistake,

so your now just 6yds from the hole.
my shot.
pass me the sand wedge Pepsi.. stupid dog, I said SAND WEDGE, thank you :?
Fore; Chipped it perfectly onto the green, 4 ft from the hole. looking good.

your shot.

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by marko69 » Tue Nov 18, 2014 7:35 am

I'm assuming Pepsi handed you some food? I'm a tad hungry mate, ..... Can you ask Pepsi to bring that over to me....... And if there is cucumber on it, get her to remove it. Cheers. Don't want to be burping in three weeks time and still tasting that sh*t.

Ok, I have my Bernhard Langer putter out. I now just need to go get my ten foot Ramsay ladder to reach the top of the thing, ......, be right back.

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by goldandblack » Tue Nov 18, 2014 3:34 pm

marko69 wrote:I'm assuming Pepsi handed you some food? I'm a tad hungry mate, ..... Can you ask Pepsi to bring that over to me....... And if there is cucumber on it, get her to remove it. Cheers. Don't want to be burping in three weeks time and still tasting that sh*t.

Ok, I have my Bernhard Langer putter out. I now just need to go get my ten foot Ramsay ladder to reach the top of the thing, ......, be right back.
Well she somehow produced a small buffet of Tuna & Cress and cucumber, Egg Mayo and cucumber, and what looked like Salmon Chives,and cucumber on this silver dish. plus a piece of wedding cake, there did seem to be summit going on in the clubhouse. Look out why's all those people dressed as Penguins coming over here,, Pepsi come back here..

wonder if they do those pineapple things on sticks, You ask OK. while I'm up that tree using your Ramsay ladder. good luck

Pepsi found this picture hanging up in the clubhouse, as we are only on the 5th hole that looks a bit of forward thinking I think. :(

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by marko69 » Wed Nov 19, 2014 8:57 am

Excellent forward thinking......., how did they know I've got a Mexican Tash going!

I've just found out why Spike is missing....... He's away ramming cucumbers up peoples ars......, anyway,......, long story short, I asked him to go complain about the cucumbers. He's taking it a tad too far.

Just getting my leg strapped at the moment, fell off the "f**king" Gordon "f**king sh*t b*stard " Ramsay and landed in the bunker, right on the bunker rake. I'll get that back from you after your tree shot.

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by goldandblack » Wed Nov 19, 2014 9:58 pm

marko69 wrote:Excellent forward thinking......., how did they know I've got a Mexican Tash going!

I've just found out why Spike is missing....... He's away ramming cucumbers up peoples ars......, anyway,......, long story short, I asked him to go complain about the cucumbers. He's taking it a tad too far.

Just getting my leg strapped at the moment, fell off the "f**king" Gordon "f**king sh*t b*stard " Ramsay and landed in the bunker, right on the bunker rake. I'll get that back from you after your tree shot.
blame me there mate, I forgot to mention Spikes past history with fruit and veg, we had hoped the tablets had fixed it.

that was unlucky Marco, those rakes don't come cheap you know,
anyway its your shot. my ball is on the green, I as only inspecting that tree for turmites .

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by marko69 » Thu Nov 20, 2014 4:14 pm

Embarrassing moment there with the nurse there as I was getting my leg strapped..... Conversation turned to football......, she said, "I'd love it if you could take me up the As....."
I interrupted, "Woa Woa, I'm not that kind of man, especially not on a first date"......, she finished with a perplexed look on her face......, "..up the Aston Villa this weekend. But I don't want to now!"
"Oh good," I said......, "I'd rather shove one of spikes cucumbers up my arse than watch Aston Villa."

Just off to Aldi at the moment........, see if they have any putters in the aisle where you can get electric showers for a fiver. Be right back.

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by goldandblack » Thu Nov 20, 2014 11:46 pm

marko69 wrote:Embarrassing moment there with the nurse there as I was getting my leg strapped..... Conversation turned to football......, she said, "I'd love it if you could take me up the As....."
I interrupted, "Woa Woa, I'm not that kind of man, especially not on a first date"......, she finished with a perplexed look on her face......, "..up the Aston Villa this weekend. But I don't want to now!"
"Oh good," I said......, "I'd rather shove one of spikes cucumbers up my arse than watch Aston Villa."

Just off to Aldi at the moment........, see if they have any putters in the aisle where you can get electric showers for a fiver. Be right back.
I think Lidle's do a far superior putter for just £5.34p. you also get the charger and 2 batteries which is a big saving. only down side is there all left handed, but after your recent putts I think it might be an improvement :mrgreen:

if Aldi approach you about sponsoring this golf match just put them on to your agent. Mr 10% ME.

Did you ever get your final payment from Wicks DIY.

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by marko69 » Fri Nov 21, 2014 11:40 pm

You are correct about the sponsorship. But they were offering those big Aldi chocolate chip cookies. Couldn't refuse. Sorry. I've just finished 3 packets.

Went along to lidls but they'd sold out on the left handed putter deal. But right next to the empty putter area was the Logo Game. I'm in the clubhouse at the moment trying to figure out why I've never in my life heard of Arm & Hammer toothpaste.

Fancy a pint? Get out that tree and let's get off our trees.

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by goldandblack » Sat Nov 22, 2014 12:05 am

BUT i've only got a 4ft put to do this hole in par, by far my best hole so far, ermmm big decision drink or glory, OK race you to the bar, actually are we allowed in any bars round here anymore, will chuck spikes hat in first with him still wearing it. 8)

shall we call that hole a draw. as we started this game of golf on Wed Oct 16, 2013 and finished just 6 holes we don't want to rush it :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

Leader Board after 6 Holes...

1st.....Marco................. ...Evens
2nd....G&B........................2 +

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by goldandblack » Sun Nov 23, 2014 12:20 am

I had a bit of luck in this pub before you got here mate.

this bloke walked into the bar and orders 20 pints of Guinness. He lines them up on the bar and announces that he’ll give £100 to the man who can drink all of them. I stuck my hand up and said I’d like a go if the man can wait half an hour. I then leave the pub, and came back 30 minutes later and downed the 20 pints one after another. The man is impressed and hands over the money, ‘But tell me,’ he asks. ‘Where did you go to for that half an hour?’ ‘Ah I said. ‘Before I took your bet I popped to the pub next door to see if I could do it..

drinks on me Marco. hic hic

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by marko69 » Tue Nov 25, 2014 8:02 am

Have the Guinness shites started? 40 pints?!

Don't know why I'm surprised...... That used to be a British Gas Christmas night out "starter"!

Ok, I managed to find a set of clubs in my late grandads attic. Would've been here earlier, but my grandad was so fkn late, I ended up in rush hour traffic.

Next hole......, what's it? Number 7?

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by goldandblack » Tue Nov 25, 2014 9:19 pm

marko69 wrote:Have the Guinness shites started? 40 pints?!

Don't know why I'm surprised...... That used to be a British Gas Christmas night out "starter"!

Ok, I managed to find a set of clubs in my late grandads attic. Would've been here earlier, but my grandad was so fkn late, I ended up in rush hour traffic.

Next hole......, what's it? Number 7?
:lol:

There was an Irish wake in the salon bar, I asked the landlord who died, he said 3 of the Irish water polo team, I said was there an accident , He said yes we think they drowned but should know more when the horse doc does a post mortem.


Anyway back to the big match


HOLE 7..
337yrd PAR ...4...


good luck it you to go 1st.

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by marko69 » Tue Nov 25, 2014 10:18 pm

Ok, on the tee. Decaffinated of course! (Rim shot!)

Just noticed the writing my grandad has had added to his Slazenger golf bag. "Swingers club". That's quite embarrassing.
Ok..... 5 iron out, and SMACKEROONEY!!! ..... Sliced it......., its in some light rough over by those Oak trees. Aw sh*t, it's been nicked by a squirrel.

You take care of that little git for me, I'm off to shag the barmaid.

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by goldandblack » Tue Nov 25, 2014 10:56 pm

marko69 wrote:Ok, on the tee. Decaffinated of course! (Rim shot!)

Just noticed the writing my grandad has had added to his Slazenger golf bag. "Swingers club". That's quite embarrassing.
Ok..... 5 iron out, and SMACKEROONEY!!! ..... Sliced it......., its in some light rough over by those Oak trees. Aw sh*t, it's been nicked by a squirrel.

You take care of that little git for me, I'm off to shag the barmaid.

my fault Marco, I forgot to introduce you to my new stand in caddy Cyril the squirrel, Pepsi had to nip back to that pub after a text from that barmaid you were chatting up.

My shot then.

pass me that number 1 wood Cyril. OK please pass me that number 1 wood Cyril :astroll: a squirrel with attitude is all we need.
stand back Cyril, OK please stand back you "stinking tree rat or i'll smash your nuts with this wood..

FORE; good shot, wonder how deep that river is,

your 2nd shot Marco. you might need your ladder :mrgreen:

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by marko69 » Wed Nov 26, 2014 10:42 am

Cheeky little sh*t that Pepsi is eh? Barmaid went away with him. Look at him over there getting his stomach rubbed. Looks like this isn't getting rubbed then......, I'll put it away. (Zip sounds)

Can you ask Cyril what he done with the ladder. It would appear he's hid my ball in amongst his nuts then hid the ladder.

In the meantime, I'll go ask Colin Montgomerie if you can borrow his "lost my ball in the river" frogman suit.

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by Frosty » Wed Nov 26, 2014 11:57 am

Unfortunately I've ended up in a bunker as well chaps .......... Shouldn't have taken that shortcut through Bagdad I guess :shock:

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by goldandblack » Wed Nov 26, 2014 9:58 pm

marko69 wrote:Cheeky little sh*t that Pepsi is eh? Barmaid went away with him. Look at him over there getting his stomach rubbed. Looks like this isn't getting rubbed then......, I'll put it away. (Zip sounds)

Can you ask Cyril what he done with the ladder. It would appear he's hid my ball in amongst his nuts then hid the ladder.

In the meantime, I'll go ask Colin Montgomerie if you can borrow his "lost my ball in the river" frogman suit.

Your not kidding on the cheeky git bit. When we worked down on the farm I said to Pepsi to go and count how many sheep we had, after about 20 minutes he came back and said there were 40.
I said there cant be 40 as we only had 38 sheep to start with, Pepsi said. "I know," But I rounded them up.
I said go and count them again, he never came back for a week, I said where the hell have you been, he said every time I got to about 20 I fell asleep. Stupid Dog..

yeah the frog suit would be handy thanks. I'm beginning to worry about Cyril the Squirrel, I told him if he doesn't shape up his next job is going to be a duster, :mrgreen:

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by goldandblack » Wed Nov 26, 2014 10:00 pm

frostynz wrote:Unfortunately I've ended up in a bunker as well chaps .......... Shouldn't have taken that shortcut through Bagdad I guess :shock:
Frosty; I don't think your taking this match as serious as Marco and Myself. :?

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by marko69 » Thu Nov 27, 2014 8:18 am

Last time I found my ball in a bunker, I got out the sand wedge and chipped out a scruffy, bearded, tyrant turned recluse. Was weird.

Managed to go ask Gordon Ramsay if I could borrow his ladder......, promptly told to fk off...... So I decided to climb the tree......., but had to retreat as Cyril had rounded up a few buddies and they were bombarding me with nuts and acorns.

Off to ask that fkn Helmet Ramsay if he has some kind of head protection I could borrow. Bets are closed on his reply .

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by goldandblack » Thu Nov 27, 2014 5:06 pm

marko69 wrote:Last time I found my ball in a bunker, I got out the sand wedge and chipped out a scruffy, bearded, tyrant turned recluse. Was weird.

Managed to go ask Gordon Ramsay if I could borrow his ladder......, promptly told to fk off...... So I decided to climb the tree......., but had to retreat as Cyril had rounded up a few buddies and they were bombarding me with nuts and acorns.

Off to ask that fkn Helmet Ramsay if he has some kind of head protection I could borrow. Bets are closed on his reply .

this could be handy if he has a spare. you might need it before you ask tho. good luck

Image

i'm starting to regret getting Cyril to caddy for me.


right i've been on Ebay and got some gear cheap for the river shot. got a text from City Link "to be delivered between 8am 28/11/2014 and 5pm 24/07/2015."

ImageImageImage

if these fail then I have a Plan B....But our Frosty will need to get here sharpish :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by marko69 » Thu Nov 27, 2014 11:55 pm

sh*t, Wolfie......., why did you post that Palitoy Action Man suit?? Now I'm going to spend the next few days looking at old boxed Action Man stuff on Ebay! (Must be boxed!) :D

Get on the blower to City Link and demand to know if it'll be "am" or "pm" on any of those dates within that LARGE time bracket! :lol:

Latest news on Frosty......, Apparently he found a lamp in the bunker, turned away from the bunker door and started rubbing it. Someone else entered the bunker, saw him, assumed the worst and now he's getting stoned in the morning. We may need to help him out. Let's get ourselves to the clubhouse, get fkn rat arsed stoned, and discuss how to proceed.

In the meantime, I went to the Garden Centre and bought a 4ft high stone Squirrel statue. Cyril has gone nuts for it. Pretty sure after we have spoke about frosty, I'll be able to head back, rummage through the squirrels nuts and get my ball back.

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by goldandblack » Fri Nov 28, 2014 12:45 am

marko69 wrote:sh*t, Wolfie......., why did you post that Palitoy Action Man suit?? Now I'm going to spend the next few days looking at old boxed Action Man stuff on Ebay! (Must be boxed!) :D

Get on the blower to City Link and demand to know if it'll be "am" or "pm" on any of those dates within that LARGE time bracket! :lol:

Latest news on Frosty......, Apparently he found a lamp in the bunker, turned away from the bunker door and started rubbing it. Someone else entered the bunker, saw him, assumed the worst and now he's getting stoned in the morning. We may need to help him out. Let's get ourselves to the clubhouse, get fkn rat arsed stoned, and discuss how to proceed.

In the meantime, I went to the Garden Centre and bought a 4ft high stone Squirrel statue. Cyril has gone nuts for it. Pretty sure after we have spoke about frosty, I'll be able to head back, rummage through the squirrels nuts and get my ball back.
The clubhouse sounds better than my Plan A or B, Think I might just leave the frogman gear under that bush. don't want these locals getting the wrong idea. I think its happy hour if we rush.

so by this time tomorrow Frosty will be stoned, and we will be ermmmm stoned :lol: :lol: :lol:

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