MARCO.You up for a game of golf

A place to chat about anything thats not football related. Most of the threads in here are completely pointless which is why people keep coming back and back. As the forum title suggests, feel free to make any post you want on any subject you wish. It also has Adult jokes (so be warned) which is the other reason people keep coming back.

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by goldandblack » Tue Jul 24, 2018 10:54 pm

marko69 wrote:
Sat Jul 21, 2018 10:25 pm
:D Great stuff, Maxi. You are one intelligent, helpful mutt. We recently bought a dog just like you from the local blacksmith. According to the wife, as soon as she got him home, he made a bolt for the door. Very helpful indeed.

Luminous green balls, Maxi.
brilliant lol.. right maxi has retrieved both our balls, plus 2 or 3 hundred other balls plus a couple of sets of clubs, actually I recognise most of them from my last visit.

we don't lose a shot as that lake was created by Spike who found a treasure map and he worked it out there was treasure buried there, he dug for 3 years trying to find that treasure chest with no luck. actually I have not seen spike for ermmm nearly 3 years. must have gone back to England.

good luck its your second shot Sir.

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by marko69 » Sat Jul 28, 2018 4:25 pm

Last I heard, Spike tried to mount Mishkina as she was wiping the floor. She told me she’d taken him to the vet to get something done about it.
I said, “balls off?”
She replied, “No, claws clipped!”

According to Mish...... he actually found treasure. He promised some pirate dude to find it for him.
The pirate was rushing about busy when Spike arrived to speak with him. Apparently Spike asked him, “what’s the rush?”
“Late for my ear piercing!”
“How much does that cost,” Spike asked.
“A buccaneer.” The pirate told him.
Spike said he thought that was quite cheap.

Just looking over all these balls...... will find mine soon.

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by goldandblack » Sun Jul 29, 2018 2:02 pm

:lol: I was talking to that same pirate down the pub. I pointed to the pirate’s peg leg and asked, “How did you get that?”
The pirate said, “Aye, I wrestled a shark and lost me leg.”
I pointed to the pirate’s hook and asked, “How did you get that?”
The pirate said: “Aye, I fought Red Beard’s crew and lost me hand.”
I pointed to the pirate’s eye patch and asked, “How did you get that?”
The pirate said, “Aye, a bird came by and left droppings in me eye.”
I said, “That’s not as impressive as the other two. …”
“Aye,” the pirate answered. “It was me first day with the hook.” :)

good luck with your shot mate, just a tip tho, on the right of that big oak tree the ground is a bit boggy, I would keep clear of there. Max seems to have vanished with my clubs.

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by marko69 » Sun Jul 29, 2018 4:00 pm

:lol: Hooked! Ouch!

Ok, eventually found my ball, and did I only smack it into the oak tree bog!!

Walking up the fairway, Spike said, “Be careful, there’s an alien from Mars in that boggy part beside the tree.”
“How the hell do you know he’s from Mars,” I asked
“He’s “a marsh in” “, Spike said.

So I’ll need to be careful.

You’re shot, Sir Wolferino.

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by goldandblack » Sun Jul 29, 2018 10:29 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: yeah you have to be careful in that bog. I was talking to this fella in the pub about an incident at that very hog

Paddy was trapped in a bog on a golf course at St Andrews in Scotland, and seemed a goner when Big Mick OReilly wandered by. "Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oim sinkin!" Dont worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oim the strongest man in Erin, and Oill pull ye right out o there." Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddys hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an Oi cant do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oill have to get some help." As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! Dye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"

Anyway my shot and this needs to count.

263 yards, think I will take the number 9 iron please Max. actually make that the number 8 iron please,whats that you lost the 8 iron, ok give me the 5 and 3 irons Max,

Wack. Fourrrrrrrrrrrr .sorry Marco, what was the chance's of hitting you sitting under that old oak tree from here. its ok the medics are on the way, no dont stand up you might have concussion. how many fingers can you see.

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by marko69 » Mon Jul 30, 2018 11:43 am

:lol: Did Paddy ever wonder what happened to his “harse”! :lol:

It’s ok, call off the medics, I’m totally fine. Not your fault, Wolfie...... was sitting under here too long. Some idiot had tied a yellow ribbon round this old oak tree, bloody double knot, couldn’t get the thing off.
Then the “marsh in” wanted to phone home. Was on my mobile for ages. Can’t remember what rates 02 gave me for those types of calls...... but I fear the next bill.
Will be very happy to get away from this boggy old oak tree.

Mishkina has just told me that she’s marrying the man of her dreams this week. Congratulations to her. He had warned her beforehand that he plays golf each and every week. She took the opportunity to tell him that she’s a hooker. He said that was no problem, and that she should keep her head still and straighten her left arm when hitting the ball. Great advice from a future excellent husband.

Ok, took a drop out of the bog. But no toilet roll so will be back soon........

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by goldandblack » Mon Jul 30, 2018 9:16 pm

:D

We have a problem ,when the ball hit you on the head do you remember if it hit the old oak tree first then rebounded and hit you, or the ball hit you then hit the old oak tree.

the thing is, in the little rule book we obviously stick to by the letter of the laws of the game.it says if that ball hit you then hit the tree I get a free drop shot. if the ball hit the tree first then hit you I lose a shot. perhaps Charnwood reads this and can give us his views on this rule.

we seem to be rushing this hole a bit mate, I need a drink.

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by marko69 » Mon Jul 30, 2018 9:30 pm

From vague memory, it hit me, a squirrel caught it, chewed it a bit thinking it was a nut, then threw it against the old oak tree. Must be a ruling in the book somewhere for that. Charnwood will be the very man to find it. CHARNY????

I’ll have a pint o lager and a packet o bacon frazzles if yer buying!

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by goldandblack » Mon Jul 30, 2018 10:16 pm

marko69 wrote:
Mon Jul 30, 2018 9:30 pm
From vague memory, it hit me, a squirrel caught it, chewed it a bit thinking it was a nut, then threw it against the old oak tree. Must be a ruling in the book somewhere for that. Charnwood will be the very man to find it. CHARNY????

I’ll have a pint o lager and a packet o bacon frazzles if yer buying!
yeah its my round, try these crisps the landlord says he invented . i tested them and were really good. i said if you market them you should make a packet.

fella over there said he was gonna commit suicide and what would be the difference from jumping from the 5th floor or jumping from the first floor.
I said if you jump from the 5th we would hear aaaaaarrrrrrrggggghhhhh Thud.......
if you jumped from the 1st floor we would hear Thud aaaaaaarrrrrrgggghhhhh

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by marko69 » Tue Jul 31, 2018 1:04 am

One of those “grab bag” packets so we can share! :D

This guys golf game must be really poor if he’s considering suicide.
Same thing happened a few years ago, but it was on that 5th floor. Some guy was up there threatening to jump off onto the concrete below. A second guy was there egging him on to do it. He was saying, “Just jump. If you change your mind halfway down, spread your arms out wide like this and you’ll float back up here. Piece of cake, man. ”
Couldn’t believe it when the guy jumped off. He obviously changed his mind halfway down, he spread his arms, but nope, splat, all over the concrete. What a mess.
I overheard a third guy say, “FFS, Superman. You are one total b*stard when you’re pished!”

But his golf game must’ve sucked for him to actually go through with it.

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by goldandblack » Tue Jul 31, 2018 9:47 pm

:lol:
yeah folk do take this golf a bit serious aye, see that beggar with the dog sitting outside the front door. he asked me for cash because he had not had a bite for 3 days,so I got Max to bite him,

Anyway don't want to rush you but we have that 8th hole to complete. I think we both get a free drop shot, no need to wait for Charnwood's decision on the rules. there not much I don't know about this golf, right where's my racket.

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by marko69 » Wed Aug 01, 2018 10:30 am

:D Nice one, Max.

Did you see the beggar at clubhouse sitting in the huge open fronted cardboard box? Was like an actual house. Felt sorry for his so I gave him my Starbucks coffee cup.
He said, “this cup is empty mate?”
I said, “Yeah but I thought it’d look like a great chimney on your house.”
Had to get the blacksmiths dog involved...... had to make a bolt for it...... God, that guy got angry!

Speaking of a racket....... who’s got Ken Bruce’s popmaster blasting out over the course? Oh wait, I know this....., 1980, 1980......, Ah fk. One year out.

Just chipped into the pot belly bunker next to the green. I’ll need a sandwich to get out of that.

You’re shot.

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by goldandblack » Wed Aug 01, 2018 9:02 pm

that was a nice gesture with the chimney pot, you just cant help some folk.

did you hear about those 30 Hearts fans got stuck on the escalator in John Lewis for 5 hrs today. there was a power cut, the bit I cant understand is I didn't think there was 30 hearts fans,

ok I dropped the free drop shot .i think a number 5 iron should reach the green. can you stand behind me please as we don't want any more accidents
Wack, Wow who would have thought id have hit that on the back swing, sorry mate but that bump on your head matches the other one, ,

ill take that again if OK. Wack, that's better, just short of the green, good luck with you shot from that bunker even better luck getting a sandwich round here,

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by marko69 » Thu Aug 02, 2018 10:43 am

Heard about the escalator incident...... the “trying not to be an A$$hole” class was on the first floor. Pity it broke down. They need all the help that can get.

What’s this, Spike? A sand wedge? I said sandwich....... SANDWICH. Chicken tikka, go go go.

I’ll use this sand wedge while he’s away.
Chip....... and....... still in the sand. I love it in here!

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by goldandblack » Fri Aug 03, 2018 7:58 pm

marko69 wrote:
Thu Aug 02, 2018 10:43 am
Heard about the escalator incident...... the “trying not to be an A$$hole” class was on the first floor. Pity it broke down. They need all the help that can get.

What’s this, Spike? A sand wedge? I said sandwich....... SANDWICH. Chicken tikka, go go go.

I’ll use this sand wedge while he’s away.
Chip....... and....... still in the sand. I love it in here!
you think how much it costs to go to the beach, just for that horrible wet salty stuff to keep coming back to destroy yer sand castles. much rather bring the family here for the day. actually are you thinking what I;m thinking mate, this time next year we could be millionaires.

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by marko69 » Sat Aug 04, 2018 10:34 am

I read a book a few years ago called “Where to build sandcastles” by Bea Chez. Was quite good.

But Spike knows a guy who’s selling 18 candy floss / toffee dummy vans. We could position them around the course at the biggest bunkers? Make an absolute mint.

Anyway, he’s back with my tikka sandwich. He was away for ages. Said he went to India for it.
“INDIA? Why for Gods sake?” I asked
“There’s a New Delhi there.” He said.
I recommend it, Wolfie ....... this is a great sandwich.

HEY...... WHATS THAT OVER THERE??? LOOK.....
Ok, that’s my ball nicely out the bunker. On the green very close to the hole. Great throw, errr, shot by me.

Your shot, Sir

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by goldandblack » Sun Aug 05, 2018 9:36 pm

marko69 wrote:
Sat Aug 04, 2018 10:34 am
I read a book a few years ago called “Where to build sandcastles” by Bea Chez. Was quite good.

But Spike knows a guy who’s selling 18 candy floss / toffee dummy vans. We could position them around the course at the biggest bunkers? Make an absolute mint.

Anyway, he’s back with my tikka sandwich. He was away for ages. Said he went to India for it.
“INDIA? Why for Gods sake?” I asked
“There’s a New Delhi there.” He said.
I recommend it, Wolfie ....... this is a great sandwich.

HEY...... WHATS THAT OVER THERE??? LOOK.....
Ok, that’s my ball nicely out the bunker. On the green very close to the hole. Great throw, errr, shot by me.

Your shot, Sir

you could have hit on a new venture here Marco. how about having like a holiday village around this bunker, I;m sure this golf course has enough bunkers to not miss this one, anyway why travel to India (isn't that in Birmingham) when we could have one right here. plus a pub which we haven't been banned from, actually better have 2 pubs just in case. plus we could advertise this site with its own golf course,
ImageImage

Any way what an amazing shot Sir,not sure what ii was over there and a shame because I missed that shot. Max what are you trying to tell me, if theres someone falling down a well they will just have to wait till we finish this match.

just a 56yd chip from here. Max can you get by the flag as I think I could actually sink this. woooosh. wow what a shot, bit hard but lucky that flag pole fell flat on the ground and stopped the ball. 6" from the hole.

Your putt Sir.

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by marko69 » Wed Aug 08, 2018 7:35 pm

Max, you are gesturing way too much, ...... go help that person in the well! Hopefully it’s not that blind guy again. I asked him why he fell into the well. Apparently because he couldn’t see that well.

Any of those camels have some Turkish Delights on board there, Wolfie? Full of Eastern Promise?
(Was going to say “like Birmingham” there, but I fear being kicked out for subtle racism!) :D

Just lipped a 5 inch putt! Normally I’d get very upset and throw a tantrum, but 5inches? That’s huge.

Your shot, and don’t forget the “Who am I” quiz.

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by goldandblack » Wed Aug 08, 2018 9:52 pm

:lol:
ok my shot, hold up who moved the hole, actually where is the hole. what's this sign saying they are refurbishing this green, ah well a trip to the new Kentucky I think, I heard they offered the pope 10 million dollars to change the lords prayer to "give us our daily chicken, the pope said make it 20 million and its a deal. Col Sanders agrees' and the pope calles the vaticans accountant and says I have some great news and some bad news, the great news is we have 20 million to change the words to the lords prayer, the bad news is we lost the hovis account,

Bargain Bucket for me.

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by marko69 » Fri Aug 10, 2018 8:41 pm

:D

When you think about it though....... less people are going to church these days...... but a free bargain bucket on the way in with your hymn book? Place will be mobbed! Something to think about Pope dudes!

I heard a Wolves fan went to see the Pope one day. Pope came out his office and walked straight to a West Brom fan and began chatting.
The Wolves fan left and went back to the Vatican the next day after purchasing a West Brom shirt from some drug dealing dodgy bstd in the shittest, stinkest part of Rome.
He stood outside the office, waiting. The Pope eventually appeared, walked straight to the Wolves fan wearing the West Brom shirt and said, “Thought I told you to fk off yesterday?”
True story.

Sunk the 3 inches. She loved it. Then I putted the 4.
Two over I think!

Your shot.

I’m on my way to the next tee via the Crèpe Van.

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by goldandblack » Sun Aug 12, 2018 9:32 pm

marko69 wrote:
Fri Aug 10, 2018 8:41 pm
:D

When you think about it though....... less people are going to church these days...... but a free bargain bucket on the way in with your hymn book? Place will be mobbed! Something to think about Pope dudes!

I heard a Wolves fan went to see the Pope one day. Pope came out his office and walked straight to a West Brom fan and began chatting.
The Wolves fan left and went back to the Vatican the next day after purchasing a West Brom shirt from some drug dealing dodgy bstd in the shittest, stinkest part of Rome.
He stood outside the office, waiting. The Pope eventually appeared, walked straight to the Wolves fan wearing the West Brom shirt and said, “Thought I told you to fk off yesterday?”
True story.

Sunk the 3 inches. She loved it. Then I putted the 4.
Two over I think!

Your shot.

I’m on my way to the next tee via the Crèpe Van.
brilliant :lol: :lol: :lol:

ah that's how they pronounce it Crepe I read it wrong and phoned the health and hygiene to get them shut down.

this isn't such and easy shot as it looks, theres a slight slop left to right, its down hill, there's a cross wind right to left, well here goes. Wow what a putt, that must be 1/4 inch from the hole. look you dropped a bit of crepe. wow that was lucky the wind came up and the ball went in.


Hole 9.
the score is now 4. 4. and all to play for.

this hole is 587 yds,
no apparent obstructions to worry about. well perhaps that Wildlife park and Zoo . cant see that getting reached from here.

your shot sir

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by marko69 » Tue Aug 14, 2018 6:48 pm

Is that Zebras I see up there in the distance? They look a lot closer than 587 yds. Looks like they are crossing that road up there at those two massive orange globes. Must be a zebra crossing.
Hope the lions don’t get out.
But I suppose when you've seen one lion catch a zebra, you've seen a maul.

Oh dear.

Ok, the wood is out....... no more rude innuendo there, but my zipper did break when I was at the toilet a minute ago...... OK, driver out, (told him to lay off the Jack Daniels, hopefully I’ll catch the late bus) shhhhmack with a 3 wood. Looking goooooood, looking straight....... wind’s caught it.......... going right, right, RIGHT...... RIGHT for the feckin zebras!....... shiiiit, I can’t watch. Praying it doesn’t hit my friends zebra, “Spot”.

Have a bash, Wolfie

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by goldandblack » Wed Aug 15, 2018 9:10 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:

I cant believes they would build a zoo so close to the golf course. cant see it being a major problem tho.

lucky I had those wire cutters or I would have been late, took a short cut through that field over there and had to cut a hole in the fence.

my shot, waaaaaaaaaaaack. that wind is a lot stronger than I thought, drat its gone into that field with the hole I cut, wont be long.

Maxi stop shouting lying, it did go in that field.

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by marko69 » Thu Aug 16, 2018 6:53 am

Could you look for my buddy, Bobby Straw, the scarecrow please. He recently won the Nobel Prize because he was out standing in his field.

Oh, and I think I saw the farmer who owns that field and he was quite angry, complaining about milking cows all night long. Honestly Wolfie, udder nonsense he was talking.
Then he said something about organising a stable tennis competition for the horses...... he is one minute angry, next minute happy..,.,,, sounds bipolar. Yep, definitely sounds like that white bisexual bear at the wildlife centre.

Ok, there is a wildlife park worker here going mental asking people who gave her zebra a gobstopper. I think it’s my ball. What’s the ruling here?

Any joy finding Bobby Straw....... or your ball?

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Re: MARCO.You up for a game of golf

Post by goldandblack » Thu Aug 16, 2018 9:23 pm

marko69 wrote:
Thu Aug 16, 2018 6:53 am
Could you look for my buddy, Bobby Straw, the scarecrow please. He recently won the Nobel Prize because he was out standing in his field.

Oh, and I think I saw the farmer who owns that field and he was quite angry, complaining about milking cows all night long. Honestly Wolfie, udder nonsense he was talking.
Then he said something about organising a stable tennis competition for the horses...... he is one minute angry, next minute happy..,.,,, sounds bipolar. Yep, definitely sounds like that white bisexual bear at the wildlife centre.

Ok, there is a wildlife park worker here going mental asking people who gave her zebra a gobstopper. I think it’s my ball. What’s the ruling here?

Any joy finding Bobby Straw....... or your ball?
We have some good news and bad news mate.
Good news.. I found Bob.
Bad News,, he was in that field and had been attacked by those lions I accidently let loose
Good News.. He was with his best friend of many years Alfie Crow.
Bad News.. Bob passed away,
Good News, after 10 minutes his ghost came to Alfie and said, Alfie don't feel sad as I'm with all our old friends in heaven that has passed over the years and even better news we are playing cricket.
Bad News tho Alfie, get your pads on your down to bat number 8.

Anyway sorry to break that bad news,

was looking up the Golf Rules and on page 1,095 it clearly states.

if your ball is eating by a horse with black and white pyjamas on you can.
1. lose 3 shots.
2. take the horse to the vets who will operate to remove the ball, but your next shot must be taken from the vets,
3. wait for nature to take its course and you lose no shots. and can take your shot from where it lands.

Hold up, why are you putting all those carrots on the green.

found my ball in the hyena enclosure, I know it was a terrible shot but there's no reason for all that laughter from them.

do you think a beer or two while we wait for you ball to appear,

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