A friend of Prince Harry asked why he wanted out of the royal family.
Harry said “well my granny killed my mom, my uncle is a nonce, but worst of all my brother is a ****ing Villa fan”
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Liverpool 4-0 Barcelona
the last time a second leg was thrown like that in Liverpool, was when Paul McCartney had a row with Heather Mills.
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A wolves fan on his death bed tells his family he wishes to switch his allegiance to the baggies!! They ask what the he'll for? Cos when I'm gone it'll be one less of the *******.
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In an interview after the game on Monday, Jack Grealish said that Villa weren’t far off being a very good side, and predicted a top four challenge next season - although he admitted the away games at Charlton and Wigan will be pretty tough
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JOKES
Moderators: marko69, Bluemike, Charnwood
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goldandblack
- Posts: 6128
- Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:48 am
- Location: in the doghouse
Re: JOKES
The bomb squad was called today to the Sandwell Town centre
where a suspicious unidentified package was found.
After 6hs the bomb disposal expert radioed in saying
he’d never seen the likes of this in Sandwell before.
The Sargent asked what it was, and is it safe now,
he replied it was a worker’s pay packet Sir.
where a suspicious unidentified package was found.
After 6hs the bomb disposal expert radioed in saying
he’d never seen the likes of this in Sandwell before.
The Sargent asked what it was, and is it safe now,
he replied it was a worker’s pay packet Sir.
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goldandblack
- Posts: 6128
- Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:48 am
- Location: in the doghouse
Re: JOKES
Reckless Driver An Aston Villa fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Baggies supporter he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious West Brom jersey. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them. One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest. "Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!" The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road. Suddenly, the driver saw a Baggies supporter walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "sorry Father, I almost hit that West Brom supporter." "That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door."
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goldandblack
- Posts: 6128
- Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:48 am
- Location: in the doghouse
Re: JOKES
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
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Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
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Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
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goldandblack
- Posts: 6128
- Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:48 am
- Location: in the doghouse
Re: JOKES
Q What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube?
A. A laughing stock.
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Q What is the height of optimism?
A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.
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Q. What is the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
.A. Nothing! If you blink you will miss them both.
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Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
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Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A.They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
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Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.
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Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.
A. A laughing stock.
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Q What is the height of optimism?
A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.
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Q. What is the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
.A. Nothing! If you blink you will miss them both.
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Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
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Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A.They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
........................................................
Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.
.......................................................
Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.
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goldandblack
- Posts: 6128
- Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:48 am
- Location: in the doghouse
great to see you mate, No 9 is getting out of control again, 
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goldandblack
- Posts: 6128
- Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:48 am
- Location: in the doghouse
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goldandblack
- Posts: 6128
- Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:48 am
- Location: in the doghouse
Re: JOKES
Waiting in Doncaster to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. Says to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour as it says on the sign!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."
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Two eskimoes in a canoe are blown out to sea in a storm.
The one says to the other "We'll freeze to death here. I'm lighting a fire".
He carefully lights a fire but it burns the canoe and they sadly both drown.
Which just goes to show, you can't have your kayak and heat it
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I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday.
He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"
I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to **** off once."
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Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour as it says on the sign!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."
…………………………………………..
Two eskimoes in a canoe are blown out to sea in a storm.
The one says to the other "We'll freeze to death here. I'm lighting a fire".
He carefully lights a fire but it burns the canoe and they sadly both drown.
Which just goes to show, you can't have your kayak and heat it
……………………………………………….
I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday.
He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"
I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to **** off once."
…………………………………………………..
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goldandblack
- Posts: 6128
- Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:48 am
- Location: in the doghouse
Re: JOKES
I spent this morning at my wife's grave.
Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
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I've just bought an advent calendar for Jehovah's Witnesses. Behind every door someone tells you to f*** Off
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I said to my wife "When I die, I'll leave everything to you."
She said, "You do that now you idle git!"
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A man was found guilty of never using full stops.
The judge told him to expect a long sentence.
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The red cross just knocked at my door asking if id like to help with the floods in Pakistan?
I said I'd love to but my hosepipe only reaches the bottom of my garden.
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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
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Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
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I've just bought an advent calendar for Jehovah's Witnesses. Behind every door someone tells you to f*** Off
…………………………………………………………………
I said to my wife "When I die, I'll leave everything to you."
She said, "You do that now you idle git!"
………………………………………………………………..
A man was found guilty of never using full stops.
The judge told him to expect a long sentence.
…………………………………………………………………….
The red cross just knocked at my door asking if id like to help with the floods in Pakistan?
I said I'd love to but my hosepipe only reaches the bottom of my garden.
………………………………………………………………………
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
……………………………………………………………………..
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marko69
- Global Moderator
- Posts: 22225
- Joined: Mon Apr 13, 2009 2:16 am
- Location: Somewhere between here and there.
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Andym
- Posts: 5087
- Joined: Thu Aug 31, 2006 1:47 pm
- Location: Mid Suffolk
Re: JOKES
Probably posted this before but it’s still one of my favourite jokes.
Mickey and Minnie Mouse were married. But their marriage was going through as bad patch. They went for marriage guidance.
They spent 2 hours talking to the counsellor. Minnie seemed ok but Mickey kept insisting he wanted a divorce.
After the long session, the counsellor turned to Mickey and said, “I understand that you want a divorce but I’m not sure why or on what grounds. All you say is that you don’t like Minnie because she has buck teeth.”
Mickey replied,”I didn’t say she had buck teeth. I said she’s f**king Goofy!”
Mickey and Minnie Mouse were married. But their marriage was going through as bad patch. They went for marriage guidance.
They spent 2 hours talking to the counsellor. Minnie seemed ok but Mickey kept insisting he wanted a divorce.
After the long session, the counsellor turned to Mickey and said, “I understand that you want a divorce but I’m not sure why or on what grounds. All you say is that you don’t like Minnie because she has buck teeth.”
Mickey replied,”I didn’t say she had buck teeth. I said she’s f**king Goofy!”