JOKES

A place to chat about anything thats not football related. Most of the threads in here are completely pointless which is why people keep coming back and back. As the forum title suggests, feel free to make any post you want on any subject you wish. It also has Adult jokes (so be warned) which is the other reason people keep coming back.

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goldandblack
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Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Sun Apr 23, 2023 6:09 pm

Mr Clark, i have reviewed this case very carefully, the divorce court judge said.
And iv decided to give your wife £775 a week.

"That’s very fair your Honour” said the husband.
"And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few quid myself ".
………………………………………
A Scouser is doing really well on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He's got to £125,000 with all his lifelines.

Jeremy: OK, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:

Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie O'Sullivan
Ronnie Corbett
Ronnie Wood

Take your time
Lad: I'll take the money Jeremy
Jeremy: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines
Lad: I'm sure Jeremy, I'll take the money.
Jeremy: OK audience, give him a big round of applause, but before you go I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.
Lad: I know the answer Jeremy.
Jeremy: You know the answer? You've just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?

Lad: I may be mental Jeremy but I'm no grass.
…………………………………..
A Man was rushed to hospital after being shot 200 times by an upholstery gun,
After an emergency operation his wife asked if he was ok.
The surgeon said “yes the operation well really well and he’s now fully recovered”.
…………………………………
My therapist told me a good way to deal with anger was to write letters to people I hated and then burn them.
I did and it was great, really helpful but

what do I do with the letters?
……………………………….

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Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Fri May 12, 2023 2:59 pm

I cant work the wife out.
First she says “ yes,fine, you have a tattoo”
Nows shes moaning about the bagpipers in the garden.
…………………………………………………………………………….
“After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he’s looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn’t find him, he’s going to use both eyes.
…………………………………………………………………………
“A vicar who rode his bike the wrong way up the M1 was asked by the police how he managed to avoid an accident. He replied ‘God was with me’ and was furthered charged for riding two on a bike”
……………………………………………………………………………
“We’ll also be discussing the bread shortage, with a woman who has been throwing IOUs to the ducks.”
…………………………………………………………………………….
I purchased a world map and then gave the wife a dart and said,

“Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.

” Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

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Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Fri May 12, 2023 8:15 pm

Will always remember my grandads last words.
"Wolfie will you stop shaking the ****ing ladder?"
……………………………..
Husband drives wife to maternity ward as she's gone into labour.

On arrival the Dr explains they have a new machine which transfers some of the labour pain to the father, to make it easier for the mum. They agree, to use it.

They fit the machine and start at 20%, he says he can't feel anything, so caring for his wife turns it up to 50%. Still can't feel a thing so turns it up to 100%.

His wife gives birth to a healthy girl,so phones his mom to pass on the good news. She replies,

"Im glad you phoned, I've been trying to get in touch. Your brother had a seizure about an hour ago, that got gradually worse, they've just took him in an ambulance!"
………………………………………
Little lad goes up to his grandad. “Can you make a noise like a frog?”

No says the old man. “Why do you ask?”

“Because “ says the lad “My Dad said that when you croak we can go to Disneyland “
…………………………………….
A man is driving around a remote area of Cornwall and he sees a sign in front of a broken down rustic-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard..

The man goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"Do you talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Labrador replies.

After the man recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5... In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.....

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a bunch of medals. Then I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten pounds," the man says.

"Ten pounds? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that!"
………………………………………………
Jack knocks on his next door neighbours door one snowy morning, Tom answers the door.

“Tom, did you see my front lawn and your son’s name in the yellow snow?” asked Jack.
” oh, ...well sorry Tom but Jimmy is only 15 and boys will be boys, right?” said Tom.
” Tom, I don’t care that Jimmy peed his name in the snow but that’s my daughter’s handwriting!”

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Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Tue Aug 01, 2023 10:19 pm


Andym
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Re: JOKES

Post by Andym » Tue Aug 01, 2023 10:41 pm

Love it

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goldandblack
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Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Fri Aug 04, 2023 2:03 pm

Andym wrote:
Tue Aug 01, 2023 10:41 pm
Love it
:lol: My fav Andy is on 7.44. when that fella throws that brick at the window, misses and hits his mate on the head 8)

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Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Sun Sep 17, 2023 7:06 pm

Fella every night walks into a pub carrying a door handle.
the landlord says,
Must be a pain carrying that door handle about.
Fella Replies
Yeah but it does get me out of the house. 8)

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Sun Sep 17, 2023 7:49 pm

goldandblack wrote:
Sun Sep 17, 2023 7:06 pm
Fella every night walks into a pub carrying a door handle.
the landlord says,
Must be a pain carrying that door handle about.
Fella Replies
Yeah but it does get me out of the house. 8)
Oh dear......, dad jokes :lol:

I am fat by the way but I identify as skinny.

I'm Translender.

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Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Sun Sep 17, 2023 8:10 pm

marko69 wrote:
Sun Sep 17, 2023 7:49 pm
goldandblack wrote:
Sun Sep 17, 2023 7:06 pm
Fella every night walks into a pub carrying a door handle.
the landlord says,
Must be a pain carrying that door handle about.
Fella Replies
Yeah but it does get me out of the house. 8)
Oh dear......, dad jokes :lol:

I am fat by the way but I identify as skinny.

I'm Translender.
:lol: :lol:

....... Oh dear............ that's just the words my kids say when I told them that joke, and all my other jokes :?

I have many more :shock:

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Sun Sep 17, 2023 9:32 pm

:D Nowt wrong wi dad jokes, Wolfie. Or grandad jokes. 👌👍

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Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Tue Sep 19, 2023 2:49 pm

marko69 wrote:
Sun Sep 17, 2023 9:32 pm
:D Nowt wrong wi dad jokes, Wolfie. Or grandad jokes. 👌👍
yeah the grandchildren do laugh but then look at each other and roll their eyes,

One of the funniest jokes I heard was when Covid was just starting, I still find it hilarious. :lol:

This Covid thing must be getting serious in Europe, the Germans have started getting up early and putting towels on the hospital beds

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Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Tue Sep 19, 2023 9:32 pm

How do you get a country girl’s attention?

A tractor!
............................................................

A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, 'You can have her shipped home for
£5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.'

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, 'Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your
mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only £150?'

The man replied, 'a man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.
I just can't
take that chance.'
…………………………….
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?
………………………………..

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Tue Sep 19, 2023 9:36 pm

The last one above...... :lol: :lol: :lol: Nice one.

There is a friday plumbers joke forum......, I'll post a few here as the weeks go by. The good ones. I'll skip the "blue" ones as well. Family forum and all that.

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Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Tue Sep 19, 2023 9:43 pm

marko69 wrote:
Tue Sep 19, 2023 9:36 pm
The last one above...... :lol: :lol: :lol: Nice one.

There is a friday plumbers joke forum......, I'll post a few here as the weeks go by. The good ones. I'll skip the "blue" ones as well. Family forum and all that.
probably for the best aye. look forward to bringing this thread back to life,

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Tue Sep 19, 2023 10:29 pm

Although Jesus was known as a Carpenter, he never actually sang on any of their albums.

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Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Tue Sep 19, 2023 11:48 pm

marko69 wrote:
Tue Sep 19, 2023 10:29 pm
Although Jesus was known as a Carpenter, he never actually sang on any of their albums.
think he did,
that's him playing the guitar at 1.26
https://www.smoothradio.com/artists/car ... st-videos/

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Wed Sep 20, 2023 12:06 am

goldandblack wrote:
Tue Sep 19, 2023 11:48 pm
marko69 wrote:
Tue Sep 19, 2023 10:29 pm
Although Jesus was known as a Carpenter, he never actually sang on any of their albums.
think he did,
that's him playing the guitar at 1.26
:lol:

Check out Karen......., I knew she played drums........, but....... :shock: WOW

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/uI9R-8mp-r0

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Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Wed Sep 20, 2023 2:42 pm

marko69 wrote:
Wed Sep 20, 2023 12:06 am
goldandblack wrote:
Tue Sep 19, 2023 11:48 pm
marko69 wrote:
Tue Sep 19, 2023 10:29 pm
Although Jesus was known as a Carpenter, he never actually sang on any of their albums.
think he did,
that's him playing the guitar at 1.26
:lol:

Check out Karen......., I knew she played drums........, but....... :shock: WOW

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/uI9R-8mp-r0
Yeah Brilliant ,sad she died so young, back then all Groups, Bands and individuals had real talent, unlike these made up bands just singing re-released songs, most talentless and no skills in playing instruments.
I always liked the Stones, can’t believe with the life style they lead any of them are still kicking, let along going on tour,
must be in their 80s now

Image

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Wed Sep 20, 2023 2:49 pm

Glastonbury a few years back was supposed to be their farewell. But they're still rocking, minus Charlie Watts. Their new single is pretty decent as well.

Back to the jokes, good, bad & ugly........., start with an old ugly.....

---------

Marriage is like a deck of cards.

In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end, you'll wish you had a club and a spade.

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Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Wed Sep 20, 2023 2:54 pm

marko69 wrote:
Wed Sep 20, 2023 2:49 pm
Glastonbury a few years back was supposed to be their farewell. But they're still rocking, minus Charlie Watts. Their new single is pretty decent as well.

Back to the jokes, good, bad & ugly........., start with an old ugly.....

---------

Marriage is like a deck of cards.

In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end, you'll wish you had a club and a spade.
:lol: :lol: :lol:

think i put this one on here before ? but just in case,

this fella said he'd been busy all day tending his wife's grave.
Bless her she thought I was digging a pond,

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Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Wed Sep 20, 2023 2:59 pm

Of course one recent star has bags of talent is our own Beverley knight

Image

Russell Jones on X: "Great to see @MRGOLDIE and @Beverleyknight repping the @Wolves

Image

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Wed Sep 20, 2023 3:05 pm

:lol: Nice one

I know the 2nd pic, motorbike racing tv girl maybe? The first pic? Who's that? M-People woman?

--------

A pirate goes to the doctors.

"Thar be strange moles on me back!"

Doctor says, "They're benign."

Check again matey, I think thar be ten."

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Wed Sep 20, 2023 3:05 pm

Oops. The pics changed :lol:

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Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Wed Sep 20, 2023 3:27 pm

marko69 wrote:
Wed Sep 20, 2023 3:05 pm
Oops. The pics changed :lol:
yeah sorry the other one was F1 Susie Perry
Image

Amongst other very talent folk

Image
Image
Image
Image
Image
Image
Image

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Wed Sep 20, 2023 3:34 pm

I know he's a Hibee....., Is he a Wolf as well?

Image

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Wed Sep 20, 2023 3:35 pm

:lol: That must be for charity. Nice one, Adrian


Image

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Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Wed Sep 20, 2023 3:40 pm

marko69 wrote:
Wed Sep 20, 2023 3:34 pm
I know he's a Hibee....., Is he a Wolf as well?

Image
Apparently he was. he's got real class like us mate.
under that pic was these words "Andy Murray was once coached by David Lloyd and was said to have developed a soft-spot for Wolves, even wearing the shirt to training"
Image
Image
Last edited by goldandblack on Wed Sep 20, 2023 3:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Wed Sep 20, 2023 3:41 pm

Back to classic jokes

A West Brom fan is stranded on a desert island with only a pig and a dog for company. Every time he feels amorous he tries his luck with the pig, but whenever he gets near, the dog bites his ankles. One day he can’t believe his luck, a beautiful woman comes walking out of the sea, she says I’ll do anything you want me to! He says great!! Take that dog for a long walk!

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Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Wed Sep 20, 2023 3:43 pm

marko69 wrote:
Wed Sep 20, 2023 3:35 pm
:lol: That must be for charity. Nice one, Adrian


Image
yeah he's a Sandwell Town fan, must have won a raffle that day. 8)

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Wed Sep 20, 2023 3:47 pm

goldandblack wrote:
Wed Sep 20, 2023 3:43 pm
marko69 wrote:
Wed Sep 20, 2023 3:35 pm
:lol: That must be for charity. Nice one, Adrian


Image
yeah he's a Sandwell Town fan, must have won a raffle that day. 8)
Looks a bit "baggy" on em!

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