JOKES

[number 9]

What do you call a Mexican who’s a victim of larceny? Carlos

[marko69]

What do you call a very short Mexican woman?

Consuelo.

[number 9]

What’s the difference between a bean burrito and a steak and kidney pie for dinner? Fart count

[marko69]

Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge.

Today I had a tuna sandwich named Linda.

[Mauswara]

[marko69]

The WiFi just went down in the house and all the kids came running out of their rooms.

Wow, couldn’t believe it. They’ve really grown up.

[number 9]

The Chief of the Oswego tribe holds his stomach in pain. He fears the gods are punishing him for dealing with the white man and their concoctions of whiskey and roasted wild game. He sends Swan Feather to find his relief from the looming future that has approached him.

Young Swan Feather goes to the medicine man, and proclaims big chief, no fart! The medicine man reciprocates and gives Swan Feather a pill for big chief to take.

One week later, young Swan Feather returns and proclaims, big chief no fart!

The medicine man flips through his book of alchemy and retorts, give this bigger pill to big chief.

Swan Feather returns again, proclaiming big chief no fart. The medicine man opens a bottle of huge pills and says take this to big chief.

Two weeks pass, and Swan Feather is no where to be found. The sun rises to the east and Swan Feather emerges from smoke and fire. He stumbles into the medicine man’s Tipi, his clothes burnt and torn. The medicine man puts his hand on young Swan Feather’s head and asks, big chief, no fart? With his last breath Swan Feather looks into the medicine man’s eyes and says…

Big fart, no chief!

[marko69]

^^ ^^

[marko69]

My friend told me she was going to marry a witch doctor.

Puzzled, I asked her why.

She replied "Pwobably for the financial secuwity.”

[Bluemike]

Erik ten Hag walks into a bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier:"It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"

Ten Hag:"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Erik ten Hag, Manager of Manchester United”.

Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Ten Hag: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Hag but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Ten Hag:"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."

"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"

Erik stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Ten Hag?”

[number 9]

[number 9]

Ansley Begbie tells his grandad to go see the doctor. The patriarch of the clan is failing in health.

Grandad agrees to visit the doctor only because it’s free.

What’s the problem then?…the doctor asks.

Grandad: I dunno me hands keep shaking!

Doctor: Aye, do you drink much?

Grandad: Naw, I spill most of it!

[number 9]

How do you get an Irishman dizzy?

Put him in a barrel and tell him to p*ss in the corner.