JOKES

A place to chat about anything thats not football related. Most of the threads in here are completely pointless which is why people keep coming back and back. As the forum title suggests, feel free to make any post you want on any subject you wish. It also has Adult jokes (so be warned) which is the other reason people keep coming back.

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marko69
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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Sat Nov 24, 2018 10:59 am

A judge says to a man before him in the court, "Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?"
Half under his breath, the man says., “F**k all."
The judge asks the clerk "What did he say?"
The clerk replied, "He said f**k all my lord."
"Oh. I thought I saw his lips move.”

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Re: JOKES

Post by nicscreamer » Thu Nov 29, 2018 10:39 am

A Russian Female weight lifter went to the doctors....

Her - Doctor, ive been taking steroids and now I have grown a c*ck!
Doc - Oh no, Anabolic?
Her - No, just a c*ck

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Re: JOKES

Post by Frosty » Thu Nov 29, 2018 11:14 am

nicscreamer wrote:
Thu Nov 29, 2018 10:39 am
A Russian Female weight lifter went to the doctors....

Her - Doctor, ive been taking steroids and now I have grown a c*ck!
Doc - Oh no, Anabolic?
Her - No, just a c*ck
Hahaha

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Re: JOKES

Post by nicscreamer » Thu Nov 29, 2018 11:22 am

I thought I had to post something funny to lighten the mood after last night :-)

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number 9
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Re: JOKES

Post by number 9 » Thu Nov 29, 2018 5:46 pm

LOL! Good one!

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Thu Nov 29, 2018 9:41 pm

nicscreamer wrote:
Thu Nov 29, 2018 10:39 am
A Russian Female weight lifter went to the doctors....

Her - Doctor, ive been taking steroids and now I have grown a c*ck!
Doc - Oh no, Anabolic?
Her - No, just a c*ck
:lol: Superb!

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number 9
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Re: JOKES

Post by number 9 » Fri Dec 07, 2018 2:10 pm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogvuGcmUffs

Thought this was funny...it really makes me want a 'Pussepsi"!

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Re: JOKES

Post by nicscreamer » Wed Jan 09, 2019 10:46 am

A couple of young lads in my town have been hospitalised after snorting curry powder!!!!

One is in a korma, the other now has a dodgy tikka

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Wed Jan 09, 2019 10:27 pm

Holy fuuuuk, ^^^^^ I laughed out loud! :lol:

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Sun Jan 13, 2019 12:19 pm

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean
all go to a nightclub ..................................
The doorman stops them and says “Sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai.”

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Re: JOKES

Post by nicscreamer » Mon Jan 14, 2019 5:08 pm

omg!!!! Hilarious but too long winded to say "live"

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Mon Jan 21, 2019 4:30 pm

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday .
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person,
"How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers,
"Which one do you mean, sir? We have: - Work Out Barbie, Shopping Barbie, Beach Barbie, Disco Barbie, Ballerina Barbie, Astronaut Barbie, Skater Barbie, and Getting Married Barbie, all of which cost £19.95 each. And we also have Divorced Barbie, for £448-98.”
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie £448-98 and the others only £19.95?”
The salesperson replies,
"Sir... Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain with Ken's balls on it."

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Re: JOKES

Post by nicscreamer » Tue Jan 29, 2019 3:25 pm

Siri keeps calling me Shirley!! I was worried it had broken, but then realised I had left it in Airplane mode

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Tue Jan 29, 2019 7:42 pm

:lol: 👍

My very favourite film.

Well, after Young Frankenstein.

“Who’s Brain did you give me?”
“Abby someone.”
“Abby-who?”
“Abby-normal.”

Fkn superb! :lol:

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Re: JOKES

Post by number 9 » Wed Jan 30, 2019 2:30 am

This is a 2 part joke and requires audience participation.

If you went to a party and got really drunk, passed out and woke up with your bum sore...I mean starfish throbbing...would you tell anyone?

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Re: JOKES

Post by nicscreamer » Wed Jan 30, 2019 10:47 am

To assist..... No I wouldn't tell anyone..... ;-)

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Re: JOKES

Post by number 9 » Wed Jan 30, 2019 1:29 pm

nicscreamer wrote:
Wed Jan 30, 2019 10:47 am
To assist..... No I wouldn't tell anyone..... ;-)
Do you wanna go to a party with me? :lol:

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Re: JOKES

Post by nicscreamer » Wed Jan 30, 2019 1:42 pm

number 9 wrote:
Wed Jan 30, 2019 1:29 pm
nicscreamer wrote:
Wed Jan 30, 2019 10:47 am
To assist..... No I wouldn't tell anyone..... ;-)
Do you wanna go to a party with me? :lol:
Boom..... ;-)

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Sun Feb 03, 2019 8:21 pm

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £1.50.

A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £1.75.

A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

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Re: JOKES

Post by Bluemike » Sun Feb 03, 2019 8:23 pm

:lol:

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Re: JOKES

Post by number 9 » Tue Feb 19, 2019 2:48 am

I keep in touch with an old girlfriend in the UK. We were texting one night, and I said hang on a minute I have to wee...outside of course since I was drinking & smoking. She says did you just wee in your garden? Sheepishly, I said yes the loo was too far. She says well, you can take the boy out of Suffolk, but you can’t take the Suffolk out of the boy! I thought that was lovely... :lol:

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Re: JOKES

Post by nicscreamer » Wed Apr 10, 2019 11:11 am

I was golfing with my mate yesterday and there were 2 women golfers ahead of us. They were slowing us down somewhat, so I said to my mate I would go up to them and ask if we could play through.

I walked forward and got halfway to them before coming back. My mate asked " Why didn't you ask them" to which I replied " I didn't realise, but ones my wife and the other is my girlfriend!"

My mate said he understood, and he would go ask them..... He walked halfway, then came back again and said "sh*t, its a small world hey?!"

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Re: JOKES

Post by nicscreamer » Thu Apr 18, 2019 2:06 pm

Yul Brynner (of the King and I fame) was asked to do an advert in Liverpool for aftershave.

He refused of course, because "Yul never wore cologne"

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Thu Apr 18, 2019 2:56 pm

Oh dear God!

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Re: JOKES

Post by nicscreamer » Thu Apr 18, 2019 2:58 pm

I will get my coat!

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Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Mon Apr 22, 2019 10:37 pm

Two lesbians on our street gave me a very nice Rolex for Christmas.

It’s not quite what I asked for when I said I wanted a watch...;)

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Fri May 17, 2019 1:01 pm

DO NOT READ FURTHER IF OFFENDED BY ACCENTS ....... OCH AYE, THE NOO!!

A Chinese drug dealer walked up to me earlier and said, “You like my cocaine?”
I said, “Yeah, he was quite good in the Italian job.”

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