JOKES

A place to chat about anything thats not football related. Most of the threads in here are completely pointless which is why people keep coming back and back. As the forum title suggests, feel free to make any post you want on any subject you wish. It also has Adult jokes (so be warned) which is the other reason people keep coming back.

Moderators: marko69, Bluemike, Charnwood

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nicscreamer
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Re: JOKES

Post by nicscreamer » Mon Jun 03, 2019 12:54 pm

I had to have a chat with one of my service engineers last Friday.. Conversation went like this.

Me : Do you know why I have asked to see you today?
Him : Yeah, is it that accidental d*ck pic I sent you?
ME : Accidental??????

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marko69
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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Sat Jun 15, 2019 10:57 am

Little Patrick asked for a bike for his birthday.
" We would get you one, son,” said Dad, “But our mortgage is £80,000 and your mum has just lost her job".
The next day Patrick started to walk out the door with his suitcase packed.
His Dad stopped him and asked "Where are you going, Son?”
Patrick replied, “I walked past your room last night and heard you tell Mum you were pulling out. Then I heard Mum tell you to wait because she was coming too. If you think I'm staying here on my own with an £80,000 mortgage and no f**king bike you have got no chance.”

Ando
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Re: JOKES

Post by Ando » Sun Jun 16, 2019 1:27 am

Two young brothers 4 & 7 are in their bedroom the oldest brother says to the younger one “I think we should start swearing” the youngest brother replies“ok, let’s start at breakfast”

That morning at breakfast the mum asked the 7 year old what he would like he replied “ coco pops bitch” WHACK! The 7 year old gets a smack and starts crying his eyes out. The mother then turns to the 4 year old and says sternly “what do you want”? He replies “ dunno, but it won’t be f**king coco pops”

Ando
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Re: JOKES

Post by Ando » Wed Jun 26, 2019 12:15 am

Apparently Mike Ashley saw an OAP struggling with her bags in a Supermarket carpark and he asked " can you manage " she replied " F""k Off ,I don't want your job ! "

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marko69
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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Wed Jun 26, 2019 8:00 am

😂👍

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number 9
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Re: JOKES

Post by number 9 » Tue Jul 23, 2019 1:53 pm


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nicscreamer
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Re: JOKES

Post by nicscreamer » Tue Jul 23, 2019 2:19 pm

:lol: as someone with a Scottish Mrs, this is sooooo true. When we visit Dundee she goes FULL Native!!

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number 9
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Re: JOKES

Post by number 9 » Wed Jul 24, 2019 3:15 am

I love the Scottish accent; it’s like a middle finger at English.

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marko69
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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Wed Jul 24, 2019 10:11 pm

I’d love to comment on this but the feckin video won’t play in Sicily. Useless Italian YouTube bstds.

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Re: JOKES

Post by number 9 » Thu Jul 25, 2019 11:56 pm


Ando
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Re: JOKES

Post by Ando » Tue Aug 06, 2019 7:58 pm

A bloke went into Sports Direct on Tuesday and asked for some condoms and KY jelly.

"We are a sports shop." said the assistant.

On Wednesday he asked for a dual action 12 inch black dildo, on Thursday, some anal beads and a gimp mask, on Friday some love eggs and a whip, and he always got the same reply.

Saturday as he walked in the assistant took him to one side and said, "mate you keep coming in and it's getting embarrassing, you know we are a sports shop, what the f*ck do you really want?"

He summoned up all his courage took a deep breath and said "can I have an Norwich home shirt please."

🤣🤣

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marko69
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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Fri Aug 16, 2019 8:30 pm

A big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural Northern Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

Rab, the old farmer replied, "This is ma property pal, and yer no coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in the UK and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you dinnae ken how we settle disputes in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on ma land, Ah get to go first. Ah kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, Its Aw right pal. I give up. You can have the duck."

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