JOKES

A place to chat about anything thats not football related. Most of the threads in here are completely pointless which is why people keep coming back and back. As the forum title suggests, feel free to make any post you want on any subject you wish. It also has Adult jokes (so be warned) which is the other reason people keep coming back.

Moderators: marko69, Bluemike, Charnwood

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number 9
Posts: 2597
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:35 pm

Re: JOKES

Post by number 9 » Sat Dec 21, 2019 1:44 am

marko69 wrote:
Fri Dec 20, 2019 12:31 pm
Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping at a busy shopping mall just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on his mobile.

The wife said
"Where are you, you know we have lots to do"

He said "You remember the jewellers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek, and she got all choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."
That’s lovely Marko! I literally laughed out loud.

Merry Christmas!

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goldandblack
Posts: 3119
Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:48 am
Location: in the doghouse

Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Sat Dec 21, 2019 9:10 pm

I was walking down this country lane when I came across a well.
looking into the well I couldn't see the water in it.
So I dropped a stone into the well but didn't hear a splash.
then I found this very big timber sleeper, so I dragged it to the well and dropped it in,
I turned around just in time to see this goat charging at me, luckily I jumped out of its way, it just missed me and the goat disappeared down the well.

walking away this old farmer came over and asked me if I had seen his goat, I said no but would keep an eye out for it,
the farmer said it cant have got far as it was chained to a big timber sleeper.

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goldandblack
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Location: in the doghouse

Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Sun Jan 05, 2020 11:42 pm

Little Johnny come home with a letter from the head master at his school, it read,
Little Johny's has started using bad language every sentence he speaks, please stop him before he can return,

Dad says to his wife "he needs a bit of hard learning of life, when you swear it will hurt,
Dad sends Little Johny to bed with instructions if he never swears again he will get the belt.

next morning Little Johny comes down for breakfast,
Dad asks Little John what he wants to eat,
Little John says can I have just a pierce of bloody toast.
Dad takes his belt of and smack Johny over the backside.
Dad asks Little Johny if he learned anything from that.
Little Johny fighting back the tears said yes Dad, never to ask for the F"""cking full English

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number 9
Posts: 2597
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:35 pm

Re: JOKES

Post by number 9 » Mon Jan 06, 2020 3:05 am

Saint Peter’s Catholic Church is live streaming it’s annual Holy Darts Fundraiser. It’s a popular affair with nuns playing against priests...yes nuns play darts too. For the past 5 years, the nuns have dominated the tournament. Let’s listen into the tournament.

Mother Teresa takes a sip of her wine and a puff on her dunhill light as she approaches the dart board.
Father James provides the play by play.
“Triple 20...Triple 20...ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY!”
The nuns clearly look poised to take another title.

Father Jones shrugs at the task before. He sprinkles holy water on his darts and approaches the immaculate dart board.
“Triple 20...Triple 20...Triple(the dart bounces off the wire & impales Mother Teresa)...ONE NUN DEAD AND EIGHTY!”

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goldandblack
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Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:48 am
Location: in the doghouse

Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Wed Feb 26, 2020 12:01 am

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.
……..…………………………………………………………………………

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
……..……………………………………………………………………….
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

MasseyFerguson
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Re: JOKES

Post by MasseyFerguson » Tue Mar 10, 2020 4:31 pm

I used to do drugs. I still do. But I used to as well.

The late, great, Mitch Hedberg.

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goldandblack
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Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:48 am
Location: in the doghouse

Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Tue Mar 10, 2020 8:30 pm

:lol:

The teacher was discussing different jobs held by the parents of the students.
When she called on Little Johnnie, she asked, "And what does your father do?"
"Oh, he's a magician," replied Johnnie.
"Really? And what's his best trick?"
"His best trick is sawing people in half."
"Wonderful!" exclaimed the teacher. "Tell me Johnnie, are there any more children in your family?"
"Yes ma'am, I have a half brother and two half sisters."

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