JOKES

[number 9]

A Farmer named Paddy had a car accident, hit by a truck owned by the
Eversweet Company.


In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning
Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the collision, 'I'm
fine?' asked the solicitor.

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my
fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was
drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the
accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and
said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.'Well as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down
de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a
stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side.

I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By
Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was
in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up.

He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her.

After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and
shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me,
and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da fock would you say?'

[marko69]

Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “Sir, I got nervous. I meant to shout “Donald, duck!”

[marko69]

After my prostate exam the doctor left, then a nurse walked in and said three little words I just didn't want to hear.
"Who was that?"

[marko69]

This actually isn’t a joke, just heard this from my cousin who overheard his 5 year old daughters conversation with one of her friends last night. It’s definitely a sign of the times that things change as we move on.

My cousin had his two daughters (one is 7, and the 5 year old) before he was married. He got married to the mother of his daughters last month and the girls were both bridesmaids. Really was a beautiful day and the girls loved wearing their bridesmaid dresses and lapped up all the attention.

Last night, the 5 year old was discussing the wedding with her pal in her bedroom. She said to her pal:
“I loved wearing my dress when my mum & Dad got married. I was like a princess. Did you know that Emily in our class, her mum & Dad got married BEFORE she was born. How bad is that? She didn’t even get to go to the wedding!”

Superb

[Bluemike]

LMAO...Brilliant !!

[Charnwood]

Fabulous !!!

[number 9]

A Sheriff in a small town in Wyoming walks out in the street and sees a
blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy
hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks, why in the world are you walking
around like this?
The cowboy says: Well it's like this Sheriff, I was in this bar down
the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor
home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my
shirt.... So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants..... So I
did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts.....
So I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,
....... "Now go to town cowboy."
So here I am.
Son of a gun........ blonde men do exist!
First time we have ever seen a Blonde Man joke !

[marko69]

[marko69]

Man in sex shop: Excuse me Sir, do you have thongs?
Sex shop worker: Thertainly thir, “Thrangers in the night..... exthchanging glanthes!”

[number 9]

Not really a joke, but funny nonetheless. As many of you may know from my posts, I’ve lived in the US for many years. Well every now & then my British past pops in at the most random of times. For instance, today we’re working on a project with the Bell Helicopter Corp. Unbeknownst to me, I’ve been calling it Bellend Helicopter! Try explaining that one to your American boss!

[herforder]

In similar vein, once worked with a Canadian Arrmy Officer. Asked him if I could borrow his rubber, at which request he almost choked on his coffee!. Different meaning altogether in one oif our former colonies!

[number 9]

Yeah I’ve had that experience too in the US. I’ve learned to say eraser instead of rubber...christ nowadays it would be considered sexual harassment!

[marko69]

Unbeknownst to you, 9?? Yeah right! Sounds exactly like me! Grown men messing with words because, at heart, we haven’t grown up! The Bellend Helicopter is superb!

We have the helicopter over Edinburgh for Radio Forths travel news......., I’ll now be looking at that thing while stuck in traffic......, “Fking Bellend Helicopter!”

[number 9]

How's the Bellend travel report sounding, Marko?

[marko69]

Sounds like this, 9.

"And that was the f**king Jambo b*stard with last nights biased match report, completely missing the fact that they are a shower of diving cheating bastards who will hopefully be in severe financial trouble again after their new £1M pitch is laid over the summer.
Now over to the f**king b*stard Jambo c*nt in the f**king Bellend Helicopter."

[marko69]

Came home from work today, note on the fridge door from the wife:
"It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I've went to my mums."
I opened the fridge door. The light came on. The beer was cold. I have no f**king clue what she's on about.

[Bluemike]

I know the owner of Toyah Wilcox's chinese Takeaway.....
It's a Mr Wee!!!!

[goldandblack]

driving home from work the other night this rabbit ran out in front of the motor, there was this thud and I realised I had hit this poor little creature, I pulled over and found this rabbit was only just alive when this car pulled up and a priest got out and came other to me, the rabbit lost its battle with life and died. the priest said I have something in the car that could help this little sole. and produced this little bottle of liquid and sprinkled a few drops on the dead rabbit. suddenly the rabbit sat up jumped and ran off. I said to the priest was that holy water that made that miracle happen.
the priest said no it was hair restorer.

................................................................

driving home the other night I broke down, this fella pulls up and says do you need any help. I said are you a mechanic, he said no I'm a chiropodist. so I said that's good can you give me a toe,

[number 9]

A good friend of mine always brings back these spicy peanuts when he visits his friends in Mexico. The nuts are a delicacy from that part of Mexico, I guess. He gave me a couple bags, and they are delicious! They even have these little garlic wafers mixed in. So anyway, I texted him to say thanks and to tell him how delicious they are. He replied, "Everyone loves my nut sacks!"

True Story.

[marko69]

[nicscreamer]

My IT support dept. told me not to use the password "beefstew" today.

Apparently its not stroganoff

[nicscreamer]

If J R R Tolkein and Agatha Cristie wrote a book together.... would it be Mordor on the Orient Express?

[Bluemike]

VAR

[goldandblack]

As the water shortage continues in Norther Ireland the Belfast international swimming pool has decided to close lanes 2 and 6 for the foreseeable future.

[marko69]

Each and every day, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away ...

[Bluemike]

I thought I would change my password so I selected "My p****" I got a message back saying "not long enough"

[marko69]

An Irishman goes to the doctors for a check up. During his routine medical check Paddy asks the doctor,
"Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"
"I doubt it.” said the doctor, “Mercury is in Uranus right now." Paddy said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
"Neither do I normally " replied the doctor, " but my thermometer just snapped in your arse.”

[Bluemike]

Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley, one was assaulted.

[marko69]

Took a dyslexic woman back to my flat last night.
She ended up cooking my sock.

[marko69]

We got a nice new 30 something woman as bookkeeper today at the office.
She said, “Im Rebecca, but people just call me Becky.”
”I’m Marko,” I said, “but people just call me d*ck.”
”How do you get d*ck from Marko?” She asked.
“Just ask nicely” I said.

Always a great ice-breaker with new employees.