JOKES

[marko69]

I grafted a pair of boobs onto my new electric guitar for a laugh.
Now I'm on the sexy fenders register.

———————

Got arrested for drink driving.
Urine sample was positive, so I stole the sample. Now I'm being charged for taking the p*ss.

[Mauswara]

What would Bob The Builder be if he wasn't a builder?


Bob.

[marko69]

What would Bob The Builder be if he wasn't a builder?


Bob.

He could head to the pub with his buddy, Pat.
Think he delivered the post but he’s retired.

[goldandblack]

I grafted a pair of boobs onto my new electric guitar for a laugh.
Now I'm on the sexy fenders register.

———————

Got arrested for drink driving.
Urine sample was positive, so I stole the sample. Now I'm being charged for taking the p*ss.

[goldandblack]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really peed off.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scales.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[marko69]

Oh dear, Bob!

RIP.

[goldandblack]

Three Toronto surgeons were playing golf toether and discussing surgeries they had performed..

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Ontario. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen

The second surgeon said. "That's nothing!..... A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident and I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics.

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs". Several years ago a man was high on cocaine and marijuana and he rode a horse head-on into a train travelling at 130 km/h. All I had left to work with was the man's blond hair and the horse's ****. I was able to put them together and now he's President of the U.S.A!"

[goldandblack]

Paddy calls EasyJet to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies, "I don't know! It's your bloody plane."
……………………………………………………..

Fella goes into the bookies and asks the odds on Aliens landing on earth in the next 50 years.
The bookies gave him odds of 100,000/1.
The fella says” OK what’s the odds on WBA winning a trophy in the next 50 years”
The bookie says “ask the aliens when they get here.”

[marko69]

Paddy calls EasyJet to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies, "I don't know! It's your bloody plane."
……………………………………………………..

Fella goes into the bookies and asks the odds on Aliens landing on earth in the next 50 years.
The bookies gave him odds of 100,000/1.
The fella says” OK what’s the odds on WBA winning a trophy in the next 50 years”
The bookie says “ask the aliens when they get here.”

Both

That first one reminds me of the Callum Gilhooley character.

"I'd like to book a flight please."
"Certainly Sir. Where are you going?"
"I'm going to see my mate Gavin."

[Andym]

Paddy calls EasyJet to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies, "I don't know! It's your bloody plane."
……………………………………………………..

Fella goes into the bookies and asks the odds on Aliens landing on earth in the next 50 years.
The bookies gave him odds of 100,000/1.
The fella says” OK what’s the odds on WBA winning a trophy in the next 50 years”
The bookie says “ask the aliens when they get here.”

Both

That first one reminds me of the Callum Gilhooley character.

"I'd like to book a flight please."
"Certainly Sir. Where are you going?"
"I'm going to see my mate Gavin."

And that reminded me of this:

"I'd like a return ticket please."
"Where to?"
"Back here of course."

[Mauswara]

Why didn't the lifeguard rescue the hippie?

Because he was too far out man.

[marko69]

Why didn't the lifeguard rescue the hippie?

Because he was too far out man.

Nice

[goldandblack]

Why didn't the lifeguard rescue the hippie?

Because he was too far out man.

A mate of mine owns a pub in Norfolk . He has just been given a signed picture of Teemu Pukki..

He put it over the bar!
...........................................................

An old man was sitting in private box at Molineux watching Wolves play with an empty seat next to him!

A young fan saw the empty seat and said to him. "Who on earth has paid for this expensive seat but has not turned up! they must be mad, do you mind if I sit here?"

The old man sadly looked up and said. "For 35yrs me and my darling wife have sat together and watched every game, but unfortunately she has passed away so was unable to come, so you can gladly take her place if you like."

The young man thanked him for his kind generosity and sat beside the old man.
The young man turned to him and said. "I hope you don't mind me asking, but as sad as your story is, I have to ask, have you not got any relatives, like a son or grandchild or nephew that you could if brought along with you?"

The old man said. "Yes I have, but they've all gone to her funeral."

[Mauswara]

The other half asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public

I said maybe

- -

[Bluemike]

My mum died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

[Bluemike]

Paddy's daughte‌‌r ha‌‌dn't come hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. When she finally returned, Paddy curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t me and your ma through?‌‌"
‌‌Th‌‌e girl‌‌ was sobbing and replied‌‌, "Dad..‌ I have been selling my body, ‌‌I becam‌‌e ‌‌a prostitute.‌‌"
‌‌"Y‌‌e what!‌‌? Ge‌‌t ou‌‌t ‌‌a here‌‌, y‌‌e shameles‌‌s girl! You are an evil-doer! You'r‌‌e ‌‌a disgrac‌‌e t‌‌o thi‌‌s Catholi‌‌c family.‌‌"
‌‌"OK‌‌, Dad..‌‌. a‌‌s y‌‌e wish‌‌. ‌‌I onl‌‌y cam‌‌e bac‌‌k t‌‌o giv‌‌e mu‌‌m thi‌‌s beautiful new fu‌‌r coat‌‌, the titl‌‌e dee‌‌d t‌‌o ‌‌a huge mansion‌‌ with a swimming pool, plu‌‌s ‌‌3 millio‌‌n dollars cash. Fo‌‌r m‌‌e littl‌‌e brother‌‌, thi‌‌s platinum Rolex‌‌. An‌‌d fo‌‌r y‌‌e Daddy‌‌, th‌‌e brand ne‌‌w Porsche 911 sitting outsid‌‌e plu‌‌s ‌‌a membershi‌‌p t‌‌o th‌‌e countr‌‌y clu‌‌b ..‌‌. (take‌‌s ‌‌a breath‌‌) ..‌‌. an‌‌d a‌‌n invitatio‌‌n fo‌‌r y‌‌e al‌‌l t‌‌o spen‌‌d Ne‌‌w Year'‌‌s Ev‌‌e o‌‌n boar‌‌d m‌‌y ne‌‌w yach‌‌t i‌‌n th‌‌e Riviera.‌‌"
‌‌Paddy replies "Wha‌‌t wa‌‌s i‌‌t y‌‌e sai‌‌d y‌‌e ha‌‌d become again?"‌‌
‌‌Still sobbing the daughter replies through her tears "‌‌A prostitute‌‌, Daddy!‌‌"
‌‌"Oh‌‌! M‌‌y Goodness‌‌! Y‌‌e scare‌‌d m‌‌e hal‌‌f t‌‌o death‌‌, girl‌‌! ‌‌I though‌‌t y‌‌e sai‌‌d ‌‌a Protestant‌‌! Com‌‌e her‌‌e an‌‌d giv‌‌e ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Da‌‌d ‌‌a hug!‌‌"

.

​

[marko69]

My mum died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

[goldandblack]

Paddy's daughte‌‌r ha‌‌dn't come hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. When she finally returned, Paddy curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t me and your ma through?‌‌"
‌‌Th‌‌e girl‌‌ was sobbing and replied‌‌, "Dad..‌ I have been selling my body, ‌‌I becam‌‌e ‌‌a prostitute.‌‌"
‌‌"Y‌‌e what!‌‌? Ge‌‌t ou‌‌t ‌‌a here‌‌, y‌‌e shameles‌‌s girl! You are an evil-doer! You'r‌‌e ‌‌a disgrac‌‌e t‌‌o thi‌‌s Catholi‌‌c family.‌‌"
‌‌"OK‌‌, Dad..‌‌. a‌‌s y‌‌e wish‌‌. ‌‌I onl‌‌y cam‌‌e bac‌‌k t‌‌o giv‌‌e mu‌‌m thi‌‌s beautiful new fu‌‌r coat‌‌, the titl‌‌e dee‌‌d t‌‌o ‌‌a huge mansion‌‌ with a swimming pool, plu‌‌s ‌‌3 millio‌‌n dollars cash. Fo‌‌r m‌‌e littl‌‌e brother‌‌, thi‌‌s platinum Rolex‌‌. An‌‌d fo‌‌r y‌‌e Daddy‌‌, th‌‌e brand ne‌‌w Porsche 911 sitting outsid‌‌e plu‌‌s ‌‌a membershi‌‌p t‌‌o th‌‌e countr‌‌y clu‌‌b ..‌‌. (take‌‌s ‌‌a breath‌‌) ..‌‌. an‌‌d a‌‌n invitatio‌‌n fo‌‌r y‌‌e al‌‌l t‌‌o spen‌‌d Ne‌‌w Year'‌‌s Ev‌‌e o‌‌n boar‌‌d m‌‌y ne‌‌w yach‌‌t i‌‌n th‌‌e Riviera.‌‌"
‌‌Paddy replies "Wha‌‌t wa‌‌s i‌‌t y‌‌e sai‌‌d y‌‌e ha‌‌d become again?"‌‌
‌‌Still sobbing the daughter replies through her tears "‌‌A prostitute‌‌, Daddy!‌‌"
‌‌"Oh‌‌! M‌‌y Goodness‌‌! Y‌‌e scare‌‌d m‌‌e hal‌‌f t‌‌o death‌‌, girl‌‌! ‌‌I though‌‌t y‌‌e sai‌‌d ‌‌a Protestant‌‌! Com‌‌e her‌‌e an‌‌d giv‌‌e ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Da‌‌d ‌‌a hug!‌‌"

.

​

Made our Donna laugh that,

[goldandblack]

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

[goldandblack]

A young ventriloquist is touring Devon and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, 'You stay out of this..I'm talking to that little $#@! on your lap.'

[marko69]

Great news for insomniacs.
Only 2 sleeps ‘til Christmas.

[Mauswara]

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

Mate, looks like you a got yourself a kiwi keyboard.

[goldandblack]

Just a few jokes for the Blues fans going to the Poorthorns today to share with the locals up there,



A Wolves fan is walking down a river bank and thinking about where the bridge might be so he could get across to the other side. Then he sees another bloke on the the other side in a WBA shirt and he thinks to himself, "if he is on the other side he must know where the bridge is otherwise he couldn't cross the river" so he calls across. "Excuse me where is the bridge please?" And the West Brom Fan says "Why should I tell you? you are Wolverhampton scum!!" and the Wolves fan (being quite polite) says "because I want to get across to the other side" And the West Brom fan says "That just shows how thick you wolves fans are, YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE!!"

Q: how Do west brom fan's brain cells die?
A: lonely

Q: what do you call a female west brom fan with 2 brain cells?
A: pregnant

Q: how do you make a west brom fans eyes sparkle?
A: shine a torch in his ear

Q: what is black and white and then red?
A: lee hughes playing with a blender

Q: how do you fit 4 female WBA fans on a bar stool?
A: turn it upside down

Q: why do WBA fans wash in the kitchen sink?
A: because that is where vegetables should be washed

Q: why is it good to have a WBA fan as a passenger in your car?
A: because then you can park in the disabled Zone

Q: why don't WBA fans get tea breaks at work?
A: because it takes too long to re-train them.

Q: why don't West Brom fans eat gherkins?
A: they cant get their head in the jar

Q: why do all WBA fans want to drive BMW's?
A: because they can spell it

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled all their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of West Brom Players on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What's the difference between a female West Brom fan and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: What do you call 20 West Brom Fans skydiving from an aeroplane?
A: Diahorrea.

Q: If you see a West Brom Fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent West Brom fan and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a £50 note. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythical creatures.

Q: What do West Brom Fans and sperm have a common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a West Brom Fan?
A: A Doberman.

Q: What do you have when 100 West Brom Fans are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead West Brom Fan in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What do West Brom Fans use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a West Brom Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the West Brom Fan. Twice.

Q: What is the difference between a West Brom Fan and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total write-off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend. "What happened to your car?" "Well, the friend responds " I ran over Lee Hughes" "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?" "Well, he tried to escape through the park."

[Mauswara]

Which country is closest to the USA?

USB

[marko69]

A bit like the Spanish Fire Dept putting out the fire using José........, and Hose B.

[goldandblack]

FOR SALE in Leeds.
Railway sleepers, ideal for raised garden beds ect.
146,000 available.
Contact Rishi.
…………………………………………………………………………………
Q.What do you call a magician who’s lost his magic ?
A. ian
…………………………………………………………………………………
Three old women are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat comes and flashes them. The first woman had a stroke. The second woman had a stroke. The third woman couldn't quite reach.

[marko69]

Note in a bar:

Please be patient with your barman.
Even a toilet seat can only serve one arsehole at a time.

[goldandblack]

Note in a bar:

Please be patient with your barman.
Even a toilet seat can only serve one arsehole at a time.

[goldandblack]

Which country is closest to the USA?

USB

[goldandblack]

Pirate captain who was looking for his men, "Where are my buccaneers?" He shouted, from below decks came the reply, "Each side of your buccan head."
…………………………………………………………………………………
In rural Alabama a young bricklayer starts work on a farm and his boss sends him out to the local supplier for more cement. Two hours later and dusk falling he's still not returned so his boss calls him on CB radio.
"I've got a problem Boss" comes the reply "I've hit a pig!"
The foreman sighs ". Ah well, these things happen sometimes. Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it."
"But he's not dead boss. He's stuck, tangled up in the bull bar and kicking and squealing bloody loud. He's a big 'un and I'm scared he'll hurt me"
"Never mind " says the boss. "There's a shotgun in the back of truck. Get that and shoot him, then drag carcass off road and come home"
Another half hour goes by and the boss calls again "What's the problem son? Did you drag the pig off road like I said?"
Through the radio crackle comes the reply:
"Yeah boss - but his motorbike is still jammed under the truck."
……………………………………………………………………………………………………….