JOKES

[goldandblack]

That must be for charity. Nice one, Adrian

yeah he's a Sandwell Town fan, must have won a raffle that day.

Looks a bit "baggy" on em!

yeah he looks like a Tesco Bag dragged from the canal,


George Best was reported to have become a big Wolves fan after being inspired by the style of Wolves great Peter Broadbent

[marko69]

Preferred him in this attire! And the parents got me the full Hibs kit. Socks and all. Child cruelty in the 70's eh?

[goldandblack]

Preferred him in this attire! And the parents got me the full Hibs kit. Socks and all. Child cruelty in the 70's eh?

did you get to see him play for the mighty Hibs,

Back to the jokes

A man buys a sports car and decided to take it for a spin, he winds the roof down, wind blowing through his hair, enjoying himself he puts his foot down.
he sees a cop car behind him and puts his foot down and speeds off. The cop catches him up and pulls him over. The cop says look it’s my last day on the job, tell you what if you can give me an excuse that I’ve never heard before I’ll let you off. The man said 20 years ago my wife ran off with a copper, when I saw you in my rear window, I thought you were bringing her back!

…………………………………………………………….

Bloke takes his rabbit to the vet. The vet lifted the bunny onto the table and it immediately dies.
“I’m afraid Flopsy is dead” says the vet
“Oh No “ says the bloke “ can you do any tests to make sure?”
The vet calls in his pet Labrador. The dog sniffs at the rabbit, looks sadly at the vet and shakes his head.
The vet calls in his pet cat. The moggie sniffs and licks the rabbit, then sadly shakes his head and leaves.
The vet says “I’m sorry but your rabbit is dead. The bill is £450”
“450 quid! That’s bloody expensive “ says the bloke.
“Well”, says the vet “it was just £50, but you did insist on a Lab Report and a Cat Scan!

[marko69]

Lab report & cat scan …… did this first ….. but then Thats funny.

Anyway, must dash. Need to get home and get the wife's knickers off.
They’re just too tight and a bit itchy on the balls.

[goldandblack]

Lab report & cat scan …… did this first ….. but then Thats funny.

Anyway, must dash. Need to get home and get the wife's knickers off.
They’re just too tight and a bit itchy on the balls.

The wife asked for something silky for her birthday.
I bet this tin of emulsion will be the wrong bloody colour.
………………………………………………………………………………
Wife went to the shrink for anger management.
He told her to drink a glass of wine every evening but add fruit and lemonade to the wine.
The next morning she was Sangria

[goldandblack]

Three sisters age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?" The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[marko69]

Three sisters age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?" The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Love this

[goldandblack]

Three sisters age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?" The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Love this

Yeah a classic I'm still laughing.

try this one.

An Australian guy made millions working in the city. However, he was washed out by age 30, so bought a small house with 20000 acres in the outback to retire.

After being totally alone for 6 weeks, he started to relax and enjoy life again. One evening he was sitting on his patio , sipping on a beer and enjoying the sunset, when he spotted dust being thrown up by a car approaching. 20 minutes later the car pulled up and a grizzled old farmer jumped out.

“G’day mate, I m your neighbour, I live 20 miles over there!”

The young bloke welcomes his guest with a beer and they sit down. After a period of silence the old fella says,
“Well the reason I’m here is that we want to throw a party to welcome you to the area, next week, but I have a few questions “
“Go ahead “ says the city guy,

“OK, now we like a load of drugs in these parts, you don’t mind a bit of coke do you?”

“No, I used to indulge in my city days” says the younger guy

“Good lad, now how about fighting? After beers and drugs, things can get a bit tasty!”

“No problem “

“Finally, the sex. It’s a wild party, you don’t mind a bit of rooting do ya?”

“No , a bit of human contact will do me good” says the lad

“Fantastic “ says the old farmer “that’s settled, see you next weekend “ he gets up to leave

The young man says “Do you need me to bring anything over? Food ? Drink?”

The old man thinks for a moment then replies,

“Naaa don’t worry about that son, it’s just the two of us!”

[marko69]

Superb.

[goldandblack]

Three dogs in vets waiting room.

The Terrier sighs “Oh dear, you know how hot it was today lads? Well I scented a bitch on heat, I was trapped in a roasting house, drove me mad. So I ended up tearing the room apart trying to get out. Now here I am, being castrated “

The Labrador nodded sadly “ Same here, locked in garden, sun beating down. I scented that bitch on heat. Drove me mad. Tore all of the bedding plants up, wrecked the fence. And here I am. Awaiting the removal of my nuts”

The Rottweiler looked on with sympathy. “ I scented that too. Lying in garden, getting worked up! Then the mistress came out to sunbathe. She oiled herself and stripped naked.
I couldn’t help it, as soon as she rolled onto her front I was on her in a flash. Vented all of my frustration. “

Two other dogs looked shocked “Are you here for castration too?” One asked.

“No,” said the Rottweiler “ I’m here to have my claws clipped.”
………………………………………………………….


Kids are told a story with a moral by teacher. Then they are told to go home, speak to the family and find a story with a moral.

The next day the teacher picks out a girl to start off:
“My uncle Bob liked to go to the high street shopping. One day his friend called him over the road. Uncle Bob ran across the road and was hit by a car and broke his leg. The moral is, always use the crossing or you might get hurt”
“Very good” says teacher “Billy, you next”

Billy gets up “My grandpa was in the Paras. In the Falklands War him and his mates were pinned down by a machine gun. Suddenly grandpa was blown into the air and into a trench. In the trench was a soldier’s rucksack with two bottles of whisky in it. Grandpa drank both bottles, jumped up out of the trench, he stormed the Argentine trenches , killed 20 men and won the VC.” Billy sat down proudly.

“What’s the moral of the story though?” asked the teacher.
Billy stood back up: “Don’t mess with my grandpa when he is ****ed”

[marko69]

A woman is at her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the cat that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Bubbles!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked and the cat and yelled, "Dammit Bubbles!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing!

Once again, the father looked at the cat with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Bubbles, get away from her before she shits on you!"

[marko69]

Kids are told a story with a moral by teacher. Then they are told to go home, speak to the family and find a story with a moral.

The next day the teacher picks out a girl to start off:
“My uncle Bob liked to go to the high street shopping. One day his friend called him over the road. Uncle Bob ran across the road and was hit by a car and broke his leg. The moral is, always use the crossing or you might get hurt”
“Very good” says teacher “Billy, you next”

Billy gets up “My grandpa was in the Paras. In the Falklands War him and his mates were pinned down by a machine gun. Suddenly grandpa was blown into the air and into a trench. In the trench was a soldier’s rucksack with two bottles of whisky in it. Grandpa drank both bottles, jumped up out of the trench, he stormed the Argentine trenches , killed 20 men and won the VC.” Billy sat down proudly.

“What’s the moral of the story though?” asked the teacher.
Billy stood back up: “Don’t mess with my grandpa when he is ****ed”

Superb

[goldandblack]

Delia Smith and Edward Michael Balls were at an ex naval submarine sales looking at a 1946
Sub valued at £100.00.
Delia says I wouldn’t mind buying that but really can’t afford it,
She notices the WBA owner also looking at the sub.
She wonders over to say hello.
The WBA owner says he wanted to buy the sub but couldn’t afford it.
Delia says she would go half as she has a cunning plan for it and would do his club good as well,
So they purchased the sub for £50.00 each.
Having a coffee and a chat afterwards the WBA Owner asks
So what was your cunning plan Delia?
Well we can take both our teams out to the he Caribbean Sea.
Then dive,
So what’s the cunning plan then Delia?
Well there are 20 thousand leagues down there so we should be able to win one of them

[goldandblack]

A woman is at her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the cat that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Bubbles!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked and the cat and yelled, "Dammit Bubbles!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing!

Once again, the father looked at the cat with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Bubbles, get away from her before she shits on you!"

. think we have all blamed the cat or dog,

[goldandblack]

Chris Eubanks is on tour doing a talk in Ethics.
And the following week he is in Kent,

[goldandblack]

I purchased one of those new robot vacuum cleaners for the mother in law. Hope she likes the colour,

[marko69]

I’m assuming thats a landmine, Wolfie?

[goldandblack]

I’m assuming thats a landmine, Wolfie?

apparently there is a recall on that model, it Blew instead of sucking, dust everywhere,

[marko69]

I’m assuming thats a landmine, Wolfie?

apparently there is a recall on that model, it Blew instead of sucking, dust everywhere,

[goldandblack]

Waiter says to paddy, delivering his pizza he ordered to the table,
would you like it cut into 6 or 8 pieces Sir.
Paddy answers,
Only 6 please waitress I couldn’t eat 8 pieces.
………………………………………………………………………
Donald Trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Trump was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse,'
The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you?'
Obama replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

[marko69]

Obama / Trump joke......., Best joke for ages. Superb.

[goldandblack]

A London cabbie picks up an American tourist, who asks to be shown the sights. First off, the Tower of London - the american asks "How long did it take to build that? The cabbie replies "About 10 years". "Would only have taken 2 in the States" was the retort. A little later they are going past Westminster Abbey, again the american asks "How long did that take to build?" and the cabbie replies "100 years more or less", to which the response is "We would have done it in 10".

As they drive past Buckingham Palace, the american asks "How long for that?" to which the cabbie's immediate response is "Bloody hell, where did that come from? It wasn't there this morning".
.

[Kramer]

You have to hand it to a blind prostitute.

[goldandblack]

You have to hand it to a blind prostitute.

very good Kramer.

try these.
A man phoned the hospital where his pregnant wife was admitted, but was then accidentally put through to Lords Cricket Ground.
“So how did it go” he asked
The person on the other end of the line “We’ve got four out and expect to have the rest out before lunch, the last one was a duck”
…………………………………………………………
Kid - comes into room, says...
'Dad! There’s a bloke at the door, with a bald head!'
Dad - looks up.
‘Tell him I’ve got one'
………………………………………………………………..
I was sitting in the pub doing a Crossword when I turned to my Scottish mate and said."I'm stuck on one.
’Stranded On An Island’, eight letters."
"Marooned" He said.
”About time" I replied. "I'll have a lager."
……………………………………………………………………
Which Icelandic Singer was named after a city in England? Was it:

A.Norwich.
B.York.
C. Leeds.
…………………………………………………………………………

A Blind fella walks into a bar.
Talking to the barman, he said do you want to hear blond joke,
Barman says, before you do, hope you realise a blond with a black belt in judo is sitting next to you,
And sitting on your right is another blond who is a 26st rugby player,
Sitting at the table behind you are 3 blonds who have just got out of prison for GBH.
Do you really want to tell a blond joke.
The blind fella says “ god no not if I'm going to have to explain it 5 times,

[Kramer]

You have to hand it to a blind prostitute.

very good Kramer.

try these.
A man phoned the hospital where his pregnant wife was admitted, but was then accidentally put through to Lords Cricket Ground.
“So how did it go” he asked
The person on the other end of the line “We’ve got four out and expect to have the rest out before lunch, the last one was a duck”
…………………………………………………………
Kid - comes into room, says...
'Dad! There’s a bloke at the door, with a bald head!'
Dad - looks up.
‘Tell him I’ve got one'
………………………………………………………………..
I was sitting in the pub doing a Crossword when I turned to my Scottish mate and said."I'm stuck on one.
’Stranded On An Island’, eight letters."
"Marooned" He said.
”About time" I replied. "I'll have a lager."
……………………………………………………………………
Which Icelandic Singer was named after a city in England? Was it:

A.Norwich.
B.York.
C. Leeds.
…………………………………………………………………………

A Blind fella walks into a bar.
Talking to the barman, he said do you want to hear blond joke,
Barman says, before you do, hope you realise a blond with a black belt in judo is sitting next to you,
And sitting on your right is another blond who is a 26st rugby player,
Sitting at the table behind you are 3 blonds who have just got out of prison for GBH.
Do you really want to tell a blond joke.
The blind fella says “ god no not if I'm going to have to explain it 5 times,

[goldandblack]

Two blonde's lying on a beach, the one says "iv slept with a Brazilian ".
The other says "OMG how many is a Brazilian?".
……………………………………………………………………………..
A blonde storms up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice
“I have a complaint”
“How can I help you madam” said the librarian.
“ I borrowed a book last week and it was terrible” says the blonde
The puzzles looking librarian askes “
What was wrong with it madam,
“ It had far too many character’s and there was no plot,
The librarian turned to her assistant and says,
I’ve found the Phone book we lost last week
…………………………………………
I can't stand those people who hate football but still go along to games to cause trouble and ruin it for everybody else...

Bloody referees!
……………………………………………

[marko69]

Just caught my pecker in my zipper. God it hurts. No more zip up boots for me.

[goldandblack]

Just caught my pecker in my zipper. God it hurts. No more zip up boots for me.

[goldandblack]

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies,
"Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
……………………………………………………………………………………..
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford....
"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of silence, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

[marko69]

Wedding cake…… an oldie, but always good