JOKES

[marko69]

A judge says to a man before him in the court, "Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?"
Half under his breath, the man says., “F**k all."
The judge asks the clerk "What did he say?"
The clerk replied, "He said f**k all my lord."
"Oh. I thought I saw his lips move.”

[nicscreamer]

A Russian Female weight lifter went to the doctors....

Her - Doctor, ive been taking steroids and now I have grown a c*ck!
Doc - Oh no, Anabolic?
Her - No, just a c*ck

[Frosty]

A Russian Female weight lifter went to the doctors....

Her - Doctor, ive been taking steroids and now I have grown a c*ck!
Doc - Oh no, Anabolic?
Her - No, just a c*ck

Hahaha

[nicscreamer]

I thought I had to post something funny to lighten the mood after last night

[number 9]

LOL! Good one!

[marko69]

A Russian Female weight lifter went to the doctors....

Her - Doctor, ive been taking steroids and now I have grown a c*ck!
Doc - Oh no, Anabolic?
Her - No, just a c*ck

Superb!

[number 9]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogvuGcmUffs

Thought this was funny...it really makes me want a 'Pussepsi"!

[nicscreamer]

A couple of young lads in my town have been hospitalised after snorting curry powder!!!!

One is in a korma, the other now has a dodgy tikka

[marko69]

Holy fuuuuk, ^^^^^ I laughed out loud!

[marko69]

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean
all go to a nightclub ..................................
The doorman stops them and says “Sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai.”

[nicscreamer]

omg!!!! Hilarious but too long winded to say "live"

[marko69]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday .
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person,
"How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers,
"Which one do you mean, sir? We have: - Work Out Barbie, Shopping Barbie, Beach Barbie, Disco Barbie, Ballerina Barbie, Astronaut Barbie, Skater Barbie, and Getting Married Barbie, all of which cost £19.95 each. And we also have Divorced Barbie, for £448-98.”
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie £448-98 and the others only £19.95?”
The salesperson replies,
"Sir... Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain with Ken's balls on it."

[nicscreamer]

Siri keeps calling me Shirley!! I was worried it had broken, but then realised I had left it in Airplane mode

[marko69]

My very favourite film.

Well, after Young Frankenstein.

“Who’s Brain did you give me?”
“Abby someone.”
“Abby-who?”
“Abby-normal.”

Fkn superb!

[number 9]

This is a 2 part joke and requires audience participation.

If you went to a party and got really drunk, passed out and woke up with your bum sore...I mean starfish throbbing...would you tell anyone?

[nicscreamer]

To assist..... No I wouldn't tell anyone.....

[number 9]

To assist..... No I wouldn't tell anyone.....

Do you wanna go to a party with me?

[nicscreamer]

To assist..... No I wouldn't tell anyone.....

Do you wanna go to a party with me?

Boom.....

[marko69]

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £1.50.

A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £1.75.

A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

[Bluemike]

[number 9]

I keep in touch with an old girlfriend in the UK. We were texting one night, and I said hang on a minute I have to wee...outside of course since I was drinking & smoking. She says did you just wee in your garden? Sheepishly, I said yes the loo was too far. She says well, you can take the boy out of Suffolk, but you can’t take the Suffolk out of the boy! I thought that was lovely...

[nicscreamer]

I was golfing with my mate yesterday and there were 2 women golfers ahead of us. They were slowing us down somewhat, so I said to my mate I would go up to them and ask if we could play through.

I walked forward and got halfway to them before coming back. My mate asked " Why didn't you ask them" to which I replied " I didn't realise, but ones my wife and the other is my girlfriend!"

My mate said he understood, and he would go ask them..... He walked halfway, then came back again and said "sh*t, its a small world hey?!"

[nicscreamer]

Yul Brynner (of the King and I fame) was asked to do an advert in Liverpool for aftershave.

He refused of course, because "Yul never wore cologne"

[marko69]

Oh dear God!

[nicscreamer]

I will get my coat!

[goldandblack]

Two lesbians on our street gave me a very nice Rolex for Christmas.

It’s not quite what I asked for when I said I wanted a watch...

[marko69]

DO NOT READ FURTHER IF OFFENDED BY ACCENTS ....... OCH AYE, THE NOO!!

A Chinese drug dealer walked up to me earlier and said, “You like my cocaine?”
I said, “Yeah, he was quite good in the Italian job.”

[Ando]

DO NOT READ FURTHER IF OFFENDED BY ACCENTS ....... OCH AYE, THE NOO!!

A Chinese drug dealer walked up to me earlier and said, “You like my cocaine?”
I said, “Yeah, he was quite good in the Italian job.”

Would love to hear a Scotsman tell this joke! What's your Chinese like Marko ? I'm not referring to your local takeaway

[marko69]

Aw man, Dinnae go doon that road. Said something about the chinese on here a year or two back...... I think there were complaints even though it was said in jest.

Incidentally, the chilli beef and green pepper dish at the local chinese is just

[marko69]

Boss: Do you believe in life after death?
Employee: Certainly not! There is no proof of it.
Boss: Well there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your Uncle's funeral, he came in here looking for you.