JOKES

[marko69]

Packed up stuff & right.

The wife asked me to go & get some pills so I can get it up.

I went & got some pills.
Came home & gave the pills to her.

She said, “But these are diet pills.”

[Bluemike]

Dermot goes to visit his mate Paddy who he hasn’t seen for a while.He knocks on the door of Paddy’s farm but there is no reply- so he walks around the back of the house to the Barn where he sees Paddy stark bollock naked gyrating suggestively in front of his Massey Ferguson .
“What on earth are you doing Paddy?”asks Dermot
“Ah I’m carrying out the Doctors orders Dermot “ replies Paddy
“You see ,Mary and me haven’t been getting on so well in the bedroom department lately and I went to see the Doctor .When I explained the problem the Doctor said that perhaps Mary didn’t fancy me so much these days ,and he said if I wanted the bedroom activity to resume I would have to do something sexy to attract her !”

[Bluemike]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down
to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said,
"I do....Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said,
"I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is
almost dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough
Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.

The Lone Ranger got the horse some water and soon Silver was
starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said,
"Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you
can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said,
"Sure, Kemosabe"
and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger
returned to the saloon to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and
asks,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims,
"I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"

[Bluemike]

Paddy staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat. The doctor asks him what happened.
"Well it was like this," said Paddy. "I was having a quiet game of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of COWS.
We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball; stuck right in the middle of the cows arse. That's when I made my mistake.
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"...

[goldandblack]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down
to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said,
"I do....Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said,
"I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is
almost dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough
Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.

The Lone Ranger got the horse some water and soon Silver was
starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said,
"Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you
can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said,
"Sure, Kemosabe"
and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger
returned to the saloon to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and
asks,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims,
"I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"

Brilliant,

[marko69]

Paddy staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat. The doctor asks him what happened.
"Well it was like this," said Paddy. "I was having a quiet game of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of COWS.
We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball; stuck right in the middle of the cows arse. That's when I made my mistake.
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"...

All 3 were superb, but thats a beauty.

[number 9]

What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing…they’re both stuck up c*cks!

[Bluemike]

A woman brought a very limp duck in to a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the duck's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” replied the Vet.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested.
“I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left
the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador.

As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement,
the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The Vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “GBP 3000!” she cried, “GBP 3000 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, *“I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been 100, but with the "Lab Report " and the "Cat Scan", it’s now 3000."*

[Bluemike]

A guy goes into a fancy Seafood restaurant and asks to see the 'live dishes' of the day ..
The Waiter leads him over to a large tank , and the man examines the fish ..
"I'll have the little green squid - the one in the corner with the hairy lip , please" , says the man ..
"O.K." replies the Waiter and calls out "Gervais!!"
A little French chef appears with a large knife , the Waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip ..
Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices the sad look on its face ..
Gervais is touched , and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid ..
"Not to worry" , says the Waiter , and calls out "Hans!!" , at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen ..
"Sir", says the Waiter, "this is Hans , our dishwasher .. Hans , kill that squid ...!"
The dishwasher catches the squid , and wielding a huge rolling pin is just about to bludgeon the little green fella with the hairy lip , when it cringes back and gives a little cry ..
"I am sorry sir , I just cannot kill the squid .." Hans admits , his lower lip trembling ..
"Well sir ," says the Waiter , "it just goes to show ..
{wait for it .......}
...that Hans that do dishes , can be soft as Gervais , With mild green , hairy lip squid .."

[marko69]

[goldandblack]

yeah great jokes Mike, might have to invite you more often down here into the dark side,
Think I will have to borrow those jokes,

[goldandblack]

A balloon started at a new school where all the pupils were balloons as was the Head and the school itself. He hated it and took a pin with him one day .The Head caught him and said
‘ You’ve let yourself down ,me down and the whole of the school down ‘

[marko69]

Scientists claim that one day robots will replace soldiers.

Can't imagine anyone wanting to dip a robot into their boiled egg.

[goldandblack]

....................
A Friend of mine got knocked down by the mobile library van.
He was lying in the road screaming and the driver got out and said "Shh!"
……………………….
I recently started a band with some mates, we're called '999 megabytes '

We're good but we haven't got a gig yet.

[goldandblack]

The one and only late Tommy Cooper.


So I knocked on the door at this Bed and Breakfast
and this lady stuck her head out of the window and said,
“What do you want?”
I said “I want to stay here” She said “
Well stay there” and shut the window.

And there is more

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.


‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’ “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘Is it common?’ “It’s not unusual.”

Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.” How’s that?” Don’t you start.”

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.”

Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

Heard the one about two aerials meeting on a roof, falling in love, and getting married? The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant

My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails but I cured her. I hid her teeth

I swam the English Channel once. ‘But a lot of people have swum the Channel.’ Lengthwise?

‘I’ve used saccharine for ages and my doctor told me I had artificial diabetes’

The minute I got off the plane in New York, 15,000 people started crowding around me. If you don’t believe me, ask Marlon Brando. He was standing right next to me.’

‘I met my wife at a dance - I thought she was home with the kids’

I said, "Doctor, doctor, there’s something wrong with my foot what should I do?" He said, "Limp"’

(As Sherlock Holmes) I say, Watson, this is a most serious case — the window is broken on both sides.

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu. So I went, and I got it.'

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold. 'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'. I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'. He said 'How can I help?'. I said 'Break my arms!

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck"

A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out.' Man says, Why? The doctor says, 'I don't like my neighbours'

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual' . And the dentist said to me, 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

So I said to the doctor. 'People keep taking the Mickey out of me because I keep thinking I'm a cricket ball. 'The doctor said 'Howzat?' I said, 'don't you start'.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

[marko69]

A lot of Tim Vine amongst that lot, word for word.
Don’t tell me he’s been nicking Tommy Coopers stuff?

[goldandblack]

A lot of Tim Vine amongst that lot, word for word.
Don’t tell me he’s been nicking Tommy Coopers stuff?

I think your right mate, I'm not sure if I read it right.

but there's some classic ones there aye, (I went to see him live once with Arthur Haynes and Tommy Steel on the same show, Bob Monkhouse was
in the crowd watching,)

it say's on page I got them from,
In a list of the best jokes of all time as voted by almost 40,000 people published a few years ago – out of the top 50 jokes Cooper was credited with no less than thirteen of them.

Link.
https://nation.cymru/culture/the-collec ... you-laugh/


Welsh comedy genius Tommy Cooper (Credit: Creative Commons)

You can lead a horse to water but teach him to lie on his back and float and you’ve got something.

I sleep like a baby. Every morning I wake up screaming around 2 o’clock.

They always say start at the bottom if you want to learn something. But suppose you want to learn to swim?

My uncle was a great conductor. He was struck by lightning.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve already lost three days.

Last week, I went to a seafood disco. And pulled a muscle.

I went to the corner store. And bought 4 corners.

I said to the waiter: “This chicken soup contains no chicken.” He said: “And there’s no horse in the horseradish either.”

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

Last night I dreamed I had eaten a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

Yesterday, someone even complimented my driving. They left a little note on the windshield, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

An answering machine message says, “If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.”

My wife and I were married in a toilet. It was a marriage of convenience!

Two kids were arrested yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

It’s odd, isn’t it? You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says, “Does this taste funny to you?”

[marko69]

Thats unbelievable. Most of those are Tim Vine. Big fan of Vine , but not if he’s been using Coopers best stuff. Not good.

[Bluemike]

A&E doctor emerges from Resus Bay, furrowed brow, pulls mask down

Says to Hen waiting anxiously outside

"I am afraid your husband has slipped into a Korma"

[goldandblack]

Thats unbelievable. Most of those are Tim Vine. Big fan of Vine , but not if he’s been using Coopers best stuff. Not good.

yeah Tim Vine and Lee Mack both have brilliant quick wits, am a fan of both,

[goldandblack]

A&E doctor emerges from Resus Bay, furrowed brow, pulls mask down

Says to Hen waiting anxiously outside

"I am afraid your husband has slipped into a Korma"

put a couple of your long jokes on the mix jokes page Mike, most laughing emojis I've seen on there,

[goldandblack]

Thanks to all those people that said,
Its fine to allow your pets to sleep on your bed. My goldfish is now dead,

[Bluemike]

A&E doctor emerges from Resus Bay, furrowed brow, pulls mask down

Says to Hen waiting anxiously outside

"I am afraid your husband has slipped into a Korma"

put a couple of your long jokes on the mix jokes page Mike, most laughing emojis I've seen on there,

Lol, that's good to hear

[goldandblack]

Two Australians have been cast away in an open boat.

After weeks at sea, things are getting desperate.

Then a bottle hits the boat. Trev retrieves the bottle and uncorks it.
The Genie appears. “I’m not a powerful genie” it announced, so it’s just the one wish lads”

Bruce says, “Easy, Turn the entire ocean into Fosters lager”

The Genie claps his hands and then disappears.

Bruce takes a mug and tries then ocean for flavour. “Bloody hell Trev” he shouted “ it’s bloody lager”

He then noticed his mate was looking very annoyed

“whats up Trev mate?”

“What’s up? What’s bloody up?” Shouted Trev. “ Now we are going to have to p*** in the bloody boat!”

[goldandblack]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it? "

"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees a HAM BUSH!!"

[goldandblack]

My neighbour has just told me that every time his doorbell rings, his dog goes and sits in the corner.
It would though...it's a boxer

[Bluemike]

Due to a power outage, the house
was very dark so the paramedic
asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to
hold a flashlight high over her
Mommy so he could see while he
helped deliver the baby.. Little
Connor was born. The paramedic
lifted him by his feet and spanked
him on his bottom And he began
to cry. The paramedic then asked
the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she
thought about what she had just
witnessed. She quickly responded
'He shouldn't have crawled in
there in the first place, spank him
again!

[goldandblack]

I went fishing at the weekend and there was this bloke splashing around in the middle of the lake shouting "I cant swim, I cant swim."

I shouted back "its alright mate" and then pointed at the nearby sign and shouted "it says no swimming anyway!"
……………………………………………………………………..

Chap's in the water splashing and shouting "I can't swim! I can't swim!"

Groucho shouted back, "I can't play the piano, but I don't make a fuss about it!"
…………………………………………………………………….
A Scottish priest is driving home when he comes across a dead pig lying on the road, so he calls the police to inform them.

A sergeant answers the call. "Did you read him his last rites?" Smirks the sergeant.

"No." replies the priest. "I thought I would inform his next of kin first!"

[Bluemike]

I've decided to give my wife a new nickname, I'm going to call her San Marino cus she kicks off every 10 Minutes.

[marko69]

I've decided to give my wife a new nickname, I'm going to call her San Marino cus she kicks off every 10 Minutes.

NICE!!