JOKES

A place to chat about anything thats not football related. Most of the threads in here are completely pointless which is why people keep coming back and back. As the forum title suggests, feel free to make any post you want on any subject you wish. It also has Adult jokes (so be warned) which is the other reason people keep coming back.

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nicscreamer
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Re: JOKES

Post by nicscreamer » Mon Jun 03, 2019 12:54 pm

I had to have a chat with one of my service engineers last Friday.. Conversation went like this.

Me : Do you know why I have asked to see you today?
Him : Yeah, is it that accidental d*ck pic I sent you?
ME : Accidental??????

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Sat Jun 15, 2019 10:57 am

Little Patrick asked for a bike for his birthday.
" We would get you one, son,” said Dad, “But our mortgage is £80,000 and your mum has just lost her job".
The next day Patrick started to walk out the door with his suitcase packed.
His Dad stopped him and asked "Where are you going, Son?”
Patrick replied, “I walked past your room last night and heard you tell Mum you were pulling out. Then I heard Mum tell you to wait because she was coming too. If you think I'm staying here on my own with an £80,000 mortgage and no f**king bike you have got no chance.”

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Re: JOKES

Post by Ando » Sun Jun 16, 2019 1:27 am

Two young brothers 4 & 7 are in their bedroom the oldest brother says to the younger one “I think we should start swearing” the youngest brother replies“ok, let’s start at breakfast”

That morning at breakfast the mum asked the 7 year old what he would like he replied “ coco pops bitch” WHACK! The 7 year old gets a smack and starts crying his eyes out. The mother then turns to the 4 year old and says sternly “what do you want”? He replies “ dunno, but it won’t be f**king coco pops”

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Re: JOKES

Post by Ando » Wed Jun 26, 2019 12:15 am

Apparently Mike Ashley saw an OAP struggling with her bags in a Supermarket carpark and he asked " can you manage " she replied " F""k Off ,I don't want your job ! "

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Wed Jun 26, 2019 8:00 am

😂👍

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Re: JOKES

Post by number 9 » Tue Jul 23, 2019 1:53 pm


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Re: JOKES

Post by nicscreamer » Tue Jul 23, 2019 2:19 pm

:lol: as someone with a Scottish Mrs, this is sooooo true. When we visit Dundee she goes FULL Native!!

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Re: JOKES

Post by number 9 » Wed Jul 24, 2019 3:15 am

I love the Scottish accent; it’s like a middle finger at English.

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Wed Jul 24, 2019 10:11 pm

I’d love to comment on this but the feckin video won’t play in Sicily. Useless Italian YouTube bstds.

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Re: JOKES

Post by number 9 » Thu Jul 25, 2019 11:56 pm


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Re: JOKES

Post by Ando » Tue Aug 06, 2019 7:58 pm

A bloke went into Sports Direct on Tuesday and asked for some condoms and KY jelly.

"We are a sports shop." said the assistant.

On Wednesday he asked for a dual action 12 inch black dildo, on Thursday, some anal beads and a gimp mask, on Friday some love eggs and a whip, and he always got the same reply.

Saturday as he walked in the assistant took him to one side and said, "mate you keep coming in and it's getting embarrassing, you know we are a sports shop, what the f*ck do you really want?"

He summoned up all his courage took a deep breath and said "can I have an Norwich home shirt please."

🤣🤣

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Fri Aug 16, 2019 8:30 pm

A big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural Northern Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

Rab, the old farmer replied, "This is ma property pal, and yer no coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in the UK and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you dinnae ken how we settle disputes in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on ma land, Ah get to go first. Ah kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, Its Aw right pal. I give up. You can have the duck."

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Re: JOKES

Post by nicscreamer » Tue Oct 01, 2019 10:25 am

One for you marko…

I was doing the crossword while sat in my local Scottish pub last week. I said to my mate Jimmy " Im stuck on one down … Stuck on a desert island alone, starts with M"

Jimmy thought for a while, then said "Marooned".....

I said - "Aw thanks mate, I will have a lager"

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Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Tue Oct 01, 2019 10:42 pm

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly,
I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He
said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring.
I watched him all night."

The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's
man... The next morning he came to breakfast
bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.

They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed.
I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him
good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night."

With age comes wisdom.

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Wed Oct 02, 2019 1:51 am

:lol: both Nics & Wolfie......, that one is extremely old though, Nics. I remember my grandad telling me that when I was about 10 years old and me not having a clue what he was on about. :lol:

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Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Sat Nov 09, 2019 8:58 pm

Paddy and Murphy lose there jobs
in the dole office the lady asks Paddy " what was your job"
Paddy says he was a diesel fitter,
OK you will get £200 a week
Lady asks Murphy " what was your job"
Murphy says he made Ladies gloves
OK you will get £100 a week
Murphy replies " how come Paddy gets £100 a week more than me.
The lady says Paddy has a highly skilled job compared to yours.

Murphy says. what you mean highly skilled job,
we both worked in the same shop, I made the gloves and paddy worked the counter, and when a customer asked for a pair of gloves paddy would come out back and grabbing a pair of gloves saying "diesel fitter" :D

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Sat Nov 09, 2019 9:17 pm

:lol: Nice!!

What about this one......



A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweets aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle and for cereal and juice in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice:
"Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Grandad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman:
"It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. That little b*stard is James."

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Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Sat Nov 09, 2019 9:34 pm

marko69 wrote:
Sat Nov 09, 2019 9:17 pm
:lol: Nice!!

What about this one......



A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweets aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle and for cereal and juice in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice:
"Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Grandad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman:
"It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. That little b*stard is James."
:lol: :lol:

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Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Tue Nov 26, 2019 3:41 pm

I once purchased a house that was haunted by a ghost
I got the local exorcist to come round and perform an exorcism.
all went well until I couldn't pay his invoice
so he sent the bailiffs round to re-possess the house. :D

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Wed Nov 27, 2019 1:38 am

Oh my God, Wolfie....... that joke is older than the ghost! :lol:

Hopefully no one offended by this one:


Was in a pub and my buddy was telling me that joke, “What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw your washing in” etc, when the guy in the next seat said.
“My wife died in the bath while having an epileptic fit.”
Oh my God. My buddy was so embarrassed.
He said, “I am so sorry to hear that, mate. Did she drown?”
“No. She choked on a sock.”

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Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Wed Nov 27, 2019 11:32 pm

marko69 wrote:
Wed Nov 27, 2019 1:38 am
Oh my God, Wolfie....... that joke is older than the ghost! :lol:

Hopefully no one offended by this one:


Was in a pub and my buddy was telling me that joke, “What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw your washing in” etc, when the guy in the next seat said.
“My wife died in the bath while having an epileptic fit.”
Oh my God. My buddy was so embarrassed.
He said, “I am so sorry to hear that, mate. Did she drown?”
“No. She choked on a sock.”
but there only old jokes if you've heard them before, the good thing with my memory there all new jokes to me lol

Anyway this is your big chance to get a quiz question right, :wink:

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Sun Dec 01, 2019 12:01 pm

This very good, Wolfie. :lol:

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00 .His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signals back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signals to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signals, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says f*ck you, you don't have the balls to pull the trigger..."

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Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Sun Dec 01, 2019 8:38 pm

marko69 wrote:
Sun Dec 01, 2019 12:01 pm
This very good, Wolfie. :lol:

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00 .His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signals back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signals to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signals, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says f*ck you, you don't have the balls to pull the trigger..."
:lol: :lol: yeah I think that's the best one yet, must remember that one for Stu the Hearts fan, he needs cheering up :lol: :lol:

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Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Sun Dec 01, 2019 8:58 pm

A man arrives at a physician, the doctor asks for the problem, the man says that he has a severe back-ache, the doctor asks for the reason that caused the backache, the man explains "this morning, when i got back home from my night shift at work, i saw my wife naked in bed asleep, and there were evidence of a man's presence, so i immediately began searching for the b*stard, when i looked out of window, i saw a naked man down in the alley not wearing cloths, i lifted the nearest object which was the refrigerator and dropped it out in the alley and it landed on man in the alley. the reason was the lifting". the doctor were shocked and then wrote some drugs in the prescription and the first man leaves. the second man arrives at the physician. doctor asks for the problem and gets "severe back-ache" again, when asks for reason behind it, hears "this morning i woke up late and was very late for work, so i decided to put on my cloth on the way, so i ran to the alley naked and began to wear my cloth there when suddenly a heavy object was dropped on me, i guess the reason was being hit by that object."; the doctor was shocked even more, and then wrote some drugs for him. the third man enters and complains about same problem "severe back-ache", the doctor which was shocked to the very existence, sarcastically told the man "did u lift a refrigerator or got hit by a refrigerator?", the man replied "No, i was inside a refrigerator" when :lol:

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Re: JOKES

Post by number 9 » Sun Dec 01, 2019 9:05 pm

goldandblack wrote:
Sun Dec 01, 2019 8:58 pm
A man arrives at a physician, the doctor asks for the problem, the man says that he has a severe back-ache, the doctor asks for the reason that caused the backache, the man explains "this morning, when i got back home from my night shift at work, i saw my wife naked in bed asleep, and there were evidence of a man's presence, so i immediately began searching for the b*stard, when i looked out of window, i saw a naked man down in the alley not wearing cloths, i lifted the nearest object which was the refrigerator and dropped it out in the alley and it landed on man in the alley. the reason was the lifting". the doctor were shocked and then wrote some drugs in the prescription and the first man leaves. the second man arrives at the physician. doctor asks for the problem and gets "severe back-ache" again, when asks for reason behind it, hears "this morning i woke up late and was very late for work, so i decided to put on my cloth on the way, so i ran to the alley naked and began to wear my cloth there when suddenly a heavy object was dropped on me, i guess the reason was being hit by that object."; the doctor was shocked even more, and then wrote some drugs for him. the third man enters and complains about same problem "severe back-ache", the doctor which was shocked to the very existence, sarcastically told the man "did u lift a refrigerator or got hit by a refrigerator?", the man replied "No, i was inside a refrigerator" when :lol:
I like that one :lol:

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Mon Dec 02, 2019 8:08 am

:lol: nice

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Re: JOKES

Post by goldandblack » Fri Dec 06, 2019 8:31 pm

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly taking me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.” “That’s very nice about your Freddie”, says Gertrude. “But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen.” “WELL!” Says Barbara “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry, twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he speaks about at those prices? Asks Barbara with a big excited double chin smile, “I’ll tell you who he speaks about! ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

So these two roaches, Tom and Oscar, are hanging out next to a dumpster enjoying a snack. “Hey Tom” said Oscar to his friend, “You know that restaurant down the block? I went there yesterday to pick up some scraps, and I couldn’t believe how clean it was, I could practically see my reflection through the shiny waxed floor.” “Oscar” hollered Tom spitting the food out of his mouth, “please not while I am eating!!”

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Re: JOKES

Post by number 9 » Fri Dec 06, 2019 8:52 pm

A rather desperate, young, Native American boy named Wild Bird Running Feather proclaims to the tribe's witch doctor, "Big Chief, No fart!".
The witch doctor hands the boy a tiny sized pill and says come back tomorrow Wild Bird Running Feather.
The sun rises and Wild Bird Running Feather returns to the witch doctor's tent. "Big Chief, No fart!"
The witch doctor hands the boy a medium sized pill and says come back tomorrow Wild Bird Running Feather.
The sun rises and Wild Bird Running Feather returns to the witch doctor's tent. "Big Chief, No fart!"
The witch doctor searches through his tent until he finds an extra large pill and hands it to Wild Bird Running Feather and says come back tomorrow.
The next morning a huge explosion awakens the tribe. Wild Bird Running Feather, covered in soot and torn clothing, crawls to the witch doctor's tent.
The witch doctor kneels down to the boy and says...well???
With all the energy Wild Bird Running Feather can muster the boy exclaims, "Big fart, No Chief!"

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Re: JOKES

Post by marko69 » Sat Dec 07, 2019 12:15 pm

Bob was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he asked his wife Mary to go to the hardware store.

At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish serving another customer.

When Carl was finished, Mary asked
"How much for that teapot?"
Carl replied,
"That's solid silver and it costs $1200!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bob had asked her to buy and Carl went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Carl yelled,
"Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will,...for the teapot..."

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