JOKES
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- marko69
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Re: JOKES
A judge says to a man before him in the court, "Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?"
Half under his breath, the man says., “F**k all."
The judge asks the clerk "What did he say?"
The clerk replied, "He said f**k all my lord."
"Oh. I thought I saw his lips move.”
Half under his breath, the man says., “F**k all."
The judge asks the clerk "What did he say?"
The clerk replied, "He said f**k all my lord."
"Oh. I thought I saw his lips move.”
- nicscreamer
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Re: JOKES
A Russian Female weight lifter went to the doctors....
Her - Doctor, ive been taking steroids and now I have grown a c*ck!
Doc - Oh no, Anabolic?
Her - No, just a c*ck
Her - Doctor, ive been taking steroids and now I have grown a c*ck!
Doc - Oh no, Anabolic?
Her - No, just a c*ck
- Frosty
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Re: JOKES
Hahahanicscreamer wrote: ↑Thu Nov 29, 2018 10:39 amA Russian Female weight lifter went to the doctors....
Her - Doctor, ive been taking steroids and now I have grown a c*ck!
Doc - Oh no, Anabolic?
Her - No, just a c*ck
- nicscreamer
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Re: JOKES
I thought I had to post something funny to lighten the mood after last night ![Smile :-)](./images/smilies/icon_smile.gif)
![Smile :-)](./images/smilies/icon_smile.gif)
- marko69
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Re: JOKES
nicscreamer wrote: ↑Thu Nov 29, 2018 10:39 amA Russian Female weight lifter went to the doctors....
Her - Doctor, ive been taking steroids and now I have grown a c*ck!
Doc - Oh no, Anabolic?
Her - No, just a c*ck
![Laughing :lol:](./images/smilies/icon_lol.gif)
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Re: JOKES
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogvuGcmUffs
Thought this was funny...it really makes me want a 'Pussepsi"!
Thought this was funny...it really makes me want a 'Pussepsi"!
- nicscreamer
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Re: JOKES
A couple of young lads in my town have been hospitalised after snorting curry powder!!!!
One is in a korma, the other now has a dodgy tikka
One is in a korma, the other now has a dodgy tikka
- marko69
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Re: JOKES
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean
all go to a nightclub ..................................
The doorman stops them and says “Sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai.”
all go to a nightclub ..................................
The doorman stops them and says “Sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai.”
- nicscreamer
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Re: JOKES
omg!!!! Hilarious but too long winded to say "live"
- marko69
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Re: JOKES
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday .
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person,
"How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers,
"Which one do you mean, sir? We have: - Work Out Barbie, Shopping Barbie, Beach Barbie, Disco Barbie, Ballerina Barbie, Astronaut Barbie, Skater Barbie, and Getting Married Barbie, all of which cost £19.95 each. And we also have Divorced Barbie, for £448-98.”
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie £448-98 and the others only £19.95?”
The salesperson replies,
"Sir... Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain with Ken's balls on it."
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person,
"How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers,
"Which one do you mean, sir? We have: - Work Out Barbie, Shopping Barbie, Beach Barbie, Disco Barbie, Ballerina Barbie, Astronaut Barbie, Skater Barbie, and Getting Married Barbie, all of which cost £19.95 each. And we also have Divorced Barbie, for £448-98.”
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie £448-98 and the others only £19.95?”
The salesperson replies,
"Sir... Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain with Ken's balls on it."
- nicscreamer
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Re: JOKES
Siri keeps calling me Shirley!! I was worried it had broken, but then realised I had left it in Airplane mode
- nicscreamer
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Re: JOKES
To assist..... No I wouldn't tell anyone..... ![Wink ;-)](./images/smilies/icon_wink.gif)
![Wink ;-)](./images/smilies/icon_wink.gif)
- nicscreamer
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- number 9
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Re: JOKES
I keep in touch with an old girlfriend in the UK. We were texting one night, and I said hang on a minute I have to wee...outside of course since I was drinking & smoking. She says did you just wee in your garden? Sheepishly, I said yes the loo was too far. She says well, you can take the boy out of Suffolk, but you can’t take the Suffolk out of the boy! I thought that was lovely... ![Laughing :lol:](./images/smilies/icon_lol.gif)
![Laughing :lol:](./images/smilies/icon_lol.gif)
- nicscreamer
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Re: JOKES
I was golfing with my mate yesterday and there were 2 women golfers ahead of us. They were slowing us down somewhat, so I said to my mate I would go up to them and ask if we could play through.
I walked forward and got halfway to them before coming back. My mate asked " Why didn't you ask them" to which I replied " I didn't realise, but ones my wife and the other is my girlfriend!"
My mate said he understood, and he would go ask them..... He walked halfway, then came back again and said "sh*t, its a small world hey?!"
I walked forward and got halfway to them before coming back. My mate asked " Why didn't you ask them" to which I replied " I didn't realise, but ones my wife and the other is my girlfriend!"
My mate said he understood, and he would go ask them..... He walked halfway, then came back again and said "sh*t, its a small world hey?!"
- nicscreamer
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Re: JOKES
Yul Brynner (of the King and I fame) was asked to do an advert in Liverpool for aftershave.
He refused of course, because "Yul never wore cologne"
He refused of course, because "Yul never wore cologne"
- nicscreamer
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Re: JOKES
I will get my coat!
- goldandblack
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Re: JOKES
Two lesbians on our street gave me a very nice Rolex for Christmas.
It’s not quite what I asked for when I said I wanted a watch...![Wink ;)](./images/smilies/icon_wink.gif)
It’s not quite what I asked for when I said I wanted a watch...
![Wink ;)](./images/smilies/icon_wink.gif)
- marko69
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Re: JOKES
DO NOT READ FURTHER IF OFFENDED BY ACCENTS ....... OCH AYE, THE NOO!!
A Chinese drug dealer walked up to me earlier and said, “You like my cocaine?”
I said, “Yeah, he was quite good in the Italian job.”
A Chinese drug dealer walked up to me earlier and said, “You like my cocaine?”
I said, “Yeah, he was quite good in the Italian job.”
- marko69
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Re: JOKES
![Laughing :lol:](./images/smilies/icon_lol.gif)
Incidentally, the chilli beef and green pepper dish at the local chinese is just
![👍](http://cdn.jsdelivr.net/emojione/assets/3.1/png/64/1f44d.png)
![👌](http://cdn.jsdelivr.net/emojione/assets/3.1/png/64/1f44c.png)
- marko69
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Re: JOKES
Boss: Do you believe in life after death?
Employee: Certainly not! There is no proof of it.
Boss: Well there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your Uncle's funeral, he came in here looking for you.
Employee: Certainly not! There is no proof of it.
Boss: Well there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your Uncle's funeral, he came in here looking for you.