JOKES

[number 9]

Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping at a busy shopping mall just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on his mobile.

The wife said
"Where are you, you know we have lots to do"

He said "You remember the jewellers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek, and she got all choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."

That’s lovely Marko! I literally laughed out loud.

Merry Christmas!

[goldandblack]

I was walking down this country lane when I came across a well.
looking into the well I couldn't see the water in it.
So I dropped a stone into the well but didn't hear a splash.
then I found this very big timber sleeper, so I dragged it to the well and dropped it in,
I turned around just in time to see this goat charging at me, luckily I jumped out of its way, it just missed me and the goat disappeared down the well.

walking away this old farmer came over and asked me if I had seen his goat, I said no but would keep an eye out for it,
the farmer said it cant have got far as it was chained to a big timber sleeper.

[goldandblack]

Little Johnny come home with a letter from the head master at his school, it read,
Little Johny's has started using bad language every sentence he speaks, please stop him before he can return,

Dad says to his wife "he needs a bit of hard learning of life, when you swear it will hurt,
Dad sends Little Johny to bed with instructions if he never swears again he will get the belt.

next morning Little Johny comes down for breakfast,
Dad asks Little John what he wants to eat,
Little John says can I have just a pierce of bloody toast.
Dad takes his belt of and smack Johny over the backside.
Dad asks Little Johny if he learned anything from that.
Little Johny fighting back the tears said yes Dad, never to ask for the F"""cking full English

[number 9]

Saint Peter’s Catholic Church is live streaming it’s annual Holy Darts Fundraiser. It’s a popular affair with nuns playing against priests...yes nuns play darts too. For the past 5 years, the nuns have dominated the tournament. Let’s listen into the tournament.

Mother Teresa takes a sip of her wine and a puff on her dunhill light as she approaches the dart board.
Father James provides the play by play.
“Triple 20...Triple 20...ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY!”
The nuns clearly look poised to take another title.

Father Jones shrugs at the task before. He sprinkles holy water on his darts and approaches the immaculate dart board.
“Triple 20...Triple 20...Triple(the dart bounces off the wire & impales Mother Teresa)...ONE NUN DEAD AND EIGHTY!”

[goldandblack]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.
……..…………………………………………………………………………

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
……..……………………………………………………………………….
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

[MasseyFerguson]

I used to do drugs. I still do. But I used to as well.

The late, great, Mitch Hedberg.

[goldandblack]

The teacher was discussing different jobs held by the parents of the students.
When she called on Little Johnnie, she asked, "And what does your father do?"
"Oh, he's a magician," replied Johnnie.
"Really? And what's his best trick?"
"His best trick is sawing people in half."
"Wonderful!" exclaimed the teacher. "Tell me Johnnie, are there any more children in your family?"
"Yes ma'am, I have a half brother and two half sisters."

[number 9]

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed
in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose.
A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse,”' he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,
“I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body
and feet.”
He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me.
Are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure
and heart rate from worrying about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the
covers. She then raises his gown, holds his manhood in
one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says,
“There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.”
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her,
and says very slowly,
“Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very, closely: Are - my - test - results - back?”

[goldandblack]

40 WBA fans turn up at the pearly gates,
St Peter says " I will go and ask god if I can allow you all in"
God says, " that's far to many restrict them to just 6,
St Peters comes back shouting, "there gone god there gone"
God says " what all of them St Peter
No the bloody gates have gone.

[marko69]

You might like a few of these oldies, Wolfie. They’re from the ......
“Plumbers keeping it clean who are all missing each other” Whatapp chat room

—————————————


1: Did you hear about the big cheese who painted his wife?
No?
...well he Double Gloucester...


2: Guy at Timpsons down the High Street is well
peed off. He’s having to work. According to government guidelines he’s a key worker.

3: Good deed done for the day. In the queue at Tesco and there was a little old lady in front of me, £63 of shopping but her card was declined. I was feeling helpful especially with the Corona Virus pandemic at the moment and you've got to help out, so I helped her put it all back!

4: Waitress: "Are you ready to order?"
Me: "My wife is in the ladies."
Waitress: "Do you know what she's having?"
Me: "Well she has been gone 10 minutes so probably a sh*t!"

5: My wife said she's going to leave me in the morning because I'm obsessed with Wham! I said, "Wake me up before you go go!"

[goldandblack]

A magician and his parrot...
This magician was getting annoyed with his parrot, because during every trick the parrot would spoil it by saying something along the lines of "It's in your shirt, braack." He then decided to get rid of him, so he took him on a ship, and into the boiler room. The magician shot the parrot, but missed. The ship exploded and the only survivors were the magician and the parrot, surprisingly. The parrot then says, "Alright, braack, you got me, where is the ship, braack."

[goldandblack]

Two boys were playing football in the park when suddenly one of them is attacked by a rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence,
forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck.
All the while, a newspaper reporter from the Daily Record who was taking a stroll through the park is watching.
He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition.
He writes "Brave Rangers fan saves friend from vicious animal!"
The boy interrupts "But I'm not a Rangers fan."
The reporter starts again " Hero Hearts fan rescues friend from horrific attack!"
Again the boy interrupts "But I'm not a Hearts fan either."
"Who do you support then" inquires the reporter.
"Celtic" comes the reply.
So the reporter starts again
"Fenian b*stard murders family pet."
..............................................
A Celtic fan is walking home from a match in his Celtic kit. He fancies a drink, walks into a bar and found himself surrounded by blue and white. He's walked into a Rangers' bar. A deadly silence falls over the pub. Then the barman clears his throat and says, "In here, we give Celtic fans a toll of the dice. "If you roll one to five, we kill you."
The Celtic fan replies,"What happens if I roll a six?"
"You get to roll again.
...............................................

[number 9]

Do you believe in Leprechauns?

A construction worker is in his usual bar, having a beer after work. When he's done, he goes to the bathroom to relieve himself. A slightly short man walks in and uses the urinal next to him. The construction worker doesn't think anything of it until he catches sight of something out of the corner of his eye. He glances over and sees that the short man has got a huge p****. It freaks him out, and he feels embarrassed about thinking about it, so he says to the man:

"I'm sorry, I swear I'm not gay or anything, but I have to say, you are hung."

The short man then speaks up in a very Irish accent, "Alright, laddie, you caught me. You see, I'm a leprechaun, which is why my d*ck is so big. And now that you've caught me, you get three wishes."

The first man thinks that this guy is crazy, but he decides to go along with it anyway. "Alright then...I wish that I was the richest man in the world."

The Leprechaun says, "Done! Go check your bank account, you have billions of dollars in it. Now what is is your second wish?"

The man still doesn't really believe the guy, but he keeps going with it. "OK then, I wish that I was married to the hottest woman on Earth, who lived for nothing other than the need to satisfy my every sexual desire."

The Leprechaun says, "Done! Go home, she is waiting for you in your bed, ready to give you the greatest night of your life."

The man is dumbfounded. All the money he would ever need and a gorgeous woman that he could have incredible sex with? It's just too amazing!

The Leprechaun then asks, "What do you want for your third wish, lad?"

The man struggles, wondering what else he could possibly want, but finally says, "I want a d*ck as big as yours!"

The Leprechaun is surprised. "Oh no, laddie! The only way I could do that is if I were to bugger you."

The man backs up for a second and thinks. 'I couldn't do that....although, it's just to be gifted like that....' He continues debating, until he decides. "Alright, I'll do it."

So, the man and the Leprechaun go into the stall and the Leprechaun starts going at it, and the man is miserable, groaning in pain and hating every second of it. After awhile, the Leprechaun asks, " So how old are you, laddie?"

"I'm 35, why does it matter?"

"You're 35 and you still believe in Leprechauns?"

[marko69]

Two boys were playing football in the park when suddenly one of them is attacked by a rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence,
forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck.
All the while, a newspaper reporter from the Daily Record who was taking a stroll through the park is watching.
He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition.
He writes "Brave Rangers fan saves friend from vicious animal!"
The boy interrupts "But I'm not a Rangers fan."
The reporter starts again " Hero Hearts fan rescues friend from horrific attack!"
Again the boy interrupts "But I'm not a Hearts fan either."
"Who do you support then" inquires the reporter.
"Celtic" comes the reply.
So the reporter starts again
"Fenian b*stard murders family pet."
..............................................
A Celtic fan is walking home from a match in his Celtic kit. He fancies a drink, walks into a bar and found himself surrounded by blue and white. He's walked into a Rangers' bar. A deadly silence falls over the pub. Then the barman clears his throat and says, "In here, we give Celtic fans a toll of the dice. "If you roll one to five, we kill you."
The Celtic fan replies,"What happens if I roll a six?"
"You get to roll again.
...............................................

Both superb, top one old but still hilarious...... bottom one just heard, and —>> brilliant

[goldandblack]

Two boys were playing football in the park when suddenly one of them is attacked by a rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence,
forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck.
All the while, a newspaper reporter from the Daily Record who was taking a stroll through the park is watching.
He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition.
He writes "Brave Rangers fan saves friend from vicious animal!"
The boy interrupts "But I'm not a Rangers fan."
The reporter starts again " Hero Hearts fan rescues friend from horrific attack!"
Again the boy interrupts "But I'm not a Hearts fan either."
"Who do you support then" inquires the reporter.
"Celtic" comes the reply.
So the reporter starts again
"Fenian b*stard murders family pet."
..............................................
A Celti fan is walking home from a match in his Celtic kit. He fancies a drink, walks into a bar and found himself surrounded by blue and white. He's walked into a Rangers' bar. A deadly silence falls over the pub. Then the barman clears his throat and says, "In here, we give Celtic fans a toll of the dice. "If you roll one to five, we kill you."
The Celtic fan replies,"What happens if I roll a six?"
"You get to roll again.
...............................................

Both superb, top one old but still hilarious...... bottom one just heard, and —>> brilliant

A WBA supporter goes to his doctor to find out what's wrong with him.
"Your problem is you're fat, "says the doctor.
"I'd like a second opinion" responds the man.
"OK, you're ugly too" replies the doctor.
.................................................

The last time Hibs won the cup, they put green floodlights on Edinburgh Castle. The last time Hearts won it they were still building it.

.................................................

[marko69]

The last time Hibs won the cup, they put green floodlights on Edinburgh Castle. The last time Hearts won it they were still building it.


That one used to refer to Hibernian with the 114 years thing.

[goldandblack]

The last time Hibs won the cup, they put green floodlights on Edinburgh Castle. The last time Hearts won it they were still building it.


That one used to refer to Hibernian with the 114 years thing.

yeah but i thought it was time to turn it back on them.

[marko69]

The last time Hibs won the cup, they put green floodlights on Edinburgh Castle. The last time Hearts won it they were still building it.


That one used to refer to Hibernian with the 114 years thing.

yeah but i thought it was time to turn it back on them.

I ain't kidding, Wolfie but back in 2016, I heard a classic line while walking out of Hampden after Hibs had won the Scottish Cup. I think I may have shared it on here at the time but can't remember....., (from memory, too many people on here were more interested in the pitch invasion......, "DISHGRASHE!! SHOCKING BEHAVIOUR!! HOOLIGANS!!!" --->> fk it, was worth it)..........., but while walking down the Hampden steps, a guy shouted out to everyone...... "HEY, EVERYONE! LISTEN UP. ITS BEEN 54 YEARS SINCE HERTZ LAST WON THE LEAGUE CUP!"
Man, I nearly fell down the stairs laughing.

To get that hoodoo off the back was just awesome.

[goldandblack]

was that really 5 yrs ago, i was only a lad back then but my lasting memory was this, amazing scenes.
always remember singing this in front of Stu at work with some Geordie's and Glasgow Bob. his face was a picture,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lt26StUVHoc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LeHkQYDoVJ0

Did you know the proclaimers are Wolves fans.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LlMiFYfZIg

[marko69]

That song always brings a tear to my eye, but not because of the mighty Cabbage & Ribs.... because of my 27 year old son (on Thursday) Scotty Boy.
HE bawls his eyes out when that song is playing..,.. seeing him sets me off!

[goldandblack]

That song always brings a tear to my eye, but not because of the mighty Cabbage & Ribs.... because of my 27 year old son (on Thursday) Scotty Boy.
HE bawls his eyes out when that song is playing..,.. seeing him sets me off!

i can see why mate,
we have never really had a great song.
the liquidator was good until the fools changed the words and got it banned,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kM_WGkyRVLs

Now its the Nuno has a dream.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1g-j5CUqDg

[marko69]

The liquidator song, Wolfie? What you all singing....., West Brom feck off ?

[goldandblack]

The liquidator song, Wolfie? What you all singing....., West Brom feck off ?

yeah, the club banned it from being played, seemed a bit extreme, they said they wanted to make Moli more family friendly.
the first match after the ban they had this fireworks display before the match. this rocket misfired and shot into the stand hitting this woman,
family friendly.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gllwK9dTOq8

Chelsea fans started using it to come out onto the pitch, when we played them we had to teach them the words to the song,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSKxvEKrGr4
.............................................................

getting back to the jokes

Transcript of radio conversation between US ship and unidentified craft.

Americans: Unidentified craft Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Response: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Response: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Response: This is a lighthouse. Your call

[marko69]

Holy shyte! That firework? That didn't make news up here. Or maybe it did and I missed it. Woman is lucky not to lose and eye. Scary stuff.

I am hoping that lighthouse keeper at least did something? Those Yankee doodle dandies are thick as mince....., they'd still attack.

[goldandblack]

Holy shyte! That firework? That didn't make news up here. Or maybe it did and I missed it. Woman is lucky not to lose and eye. Scary stuff.

I am hoping that lighthouse keeper at least did something? Those Yankee doodle dandies are thick as mince....., they'd still attack.

apparently she didn't claim a penny, really cant see that tho,
......................................................
Feinstein returned home from a business trip to discover that his wife had cheated on him
“Who was it?” he roared. “That ******* Wolf?”
“No,” replied his wife. “It wasn’t Wolf.”
“Was it Green, that creep?”
“No, it wasn’t him.”
“I know — it must have been that idiot Sherman.”
“No, it wasn’t Sherman, either.”
Feinstein was furious. “Whatsa matter?” he cried. “None of my friends is good enough for you are they?
……………………………………………….
This is the first year I haven’t been to Hawaii
because of Covid -19
in the past its always been
because I couldn’t afford it.
………………………………………………
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say?" asked the nurse.

"Oops!"

[Bluemike]

A teacher gives her kids an assignment. Use the word contagious in your everyday life and report back to me tomorrow. The next day all the kids are raising their hand. The teacher calls on little Susie. Little Susie, my little brother has the flue and if he sneezes on me I will get sick because he is contagious. Teacher, "very good Susie" Teacher calls on little Timmy. Little Timmy, when I was younger I had chicken pox and all other moms brought their kids over so I could give them chicken pox too because it was good that I was contagious. Teacher, "that's another good one". Little Johny is raising his hand and the teacher hesitates but reluctantly calls on him. Little Johny, " on our way here we saw a big fat lady painting her house with a tiny brush. My dad said it would take that cnut ages".

[nicscreamer]

Ive just got a new girlfriend who has a twin.

She decided to play a trick on me last night. As we got into bed, she turned the light off and then said she needed the toilet. Without turning the light on, she went to the bathroom and did a switch with her twin, who came back into bed with me!!! I then had amazing sex with my girlfriends twin. It lasted ages!!!!
The next morning my girlfriend told me about the switch during the night, and bet i didnt even notice,!!

How stupid she is.... of course i noticed!!! My girlfriend has smooth soft arms, whereas her twin, Kevin, has big builders arms and a huge c*ck!!

[Bluemike]

A man suspects his wife is cheating on him...

so he decides to come home early and catch her in the act. When he arrives at their apartment he finds another car that he doesn't recognize. Furious, he throws the door open to find his wife, sweating and in her underwear sitting at their dining room table.

In a rage, he starts to tear through the apartment, searching every nook and cranny for his wife's lover. After checking everywhere and unable to find anyone, he decides to collect his thoughts on the balcony.

Upon reaching the balcony, he is surprised to see two pairs of hands clutching the railing. He peers over to see a half-naked man, sweating and screaming for his life.

"Oh thank God! Help me!"

Losing his mind, he begins to pound on the man's hands screaming, "You jerk! You've been sleeping with my wife."

The second man tries to hang on valiantly but after a few blows to the hands, he slips and plummets to the ground below, where he breaks both legs but is still alive. Still furious, the man who thought his wife was cheating on him, grabs the closest thing to him, a refrigerator, and using all his strength, forces it over the railing where it plummets toward the second man's broken body. Unfortunately...as the refrigerator goes over the railing, the power cord wraps around the first man's leg and pulls him over the railing as well. When he lands against the refrigerator, he breaks his back and he dies instantly.

Later in heaven, the half-naked man (who was dangling from the railing) approaches St. Peter. St. Peter holds up and hand and says, "We're currently filled to capacity. If you want to get into heaven, you need to have a truly tragic story."

So the half-naked man begins, "There I was doing aerobics on my third-story balcony, when I lost my balance and fell over the railing. Luckily, I was able to grab onto the balcony below me. But then this mad man came out and started beating on my hands. I wasn't able to hold on and I fell to the ground below, breaking my legs. Then he pushed a refrigerator onto my face...and that's how I ended up here."

Disgusted, St. Peter motions him into heaven, just in time for another man to walk up to him (The man who thought his wife was cheating on him.)

When asked, he tells St. Peter, "Well, I thought my wife was cheating on me and sure enough she was. I found him dangling from my balcony, so I beat on his hands until he fell and then I pushed a refrigerator onto his head. Unfortunately, the cord wrapped around my leg, and drug me to my death as well."

St Peter said, wow that is truly tragic. Please go into heaven.

A third man walks up. Completely naked.

St. Peter says, "I've heard two truly tragic stories in a row. What story do you have to tell me."

The naked man sighs, "Well St. Peter...there I was hiding naked in this refrigerator..."

[goldandblack]

A friend of Prince Harry asked why he wanted out of the royal family.
Harry said “well my granny killed my mom, my uncle is a nonce, but worst of all my brother is a ****ing Villa fan”
…………………………..
A lottery winner has come forward and said he wants to buy Villa.
He also said he wouldn’t have a clue how to have spent the winnings if a 5th number had come up too.
…………………………….
When Victoria came down stairs David was in the kitchen.

“What are you doing David?”

Beckham replies “I’m doing this jigsaw you just got me, the one of the chicken “

A puzzled Victoria goes into the kitchen and shouts “David, put the cornflakes back into the box!”
………………………………..
West brom, villa and wolves fans stood at the top of a cliff, arguing who supported their teams the most.
Villa fan says "this is for the villa" and leaps to his death.
Wolves fan shouts "this is for wolves" and pushes the West brom fan off
……………………………….
why can't Albion fans eat pickled Onions, Because they can't get their heads in the jar!
……………………………………………………..
What do you call an Albion fan with 2 braincells? Pregnant!
……………………………………………………
So Billy Wright is shown the training area in heaven, the gym, and eventually he is walked onto the pitch. Surrounded by 750,000 seats.
At one end of the pitch a man in a gold shirt (number 9) and with a crew cut is smashing footballs into a goal. Billy turns to St Peter and says

“Hang on, isn’t that Steve Bull? Why is he up here?”

St Peter smiles serenely and says “No Billy, that’s God, he just thinks he’s Steve Bull”
............................................................

[marko69]

A lottery winner has come forward and said he wants to buy Villa.
He also said he wouldn’t have a clue how to have spent the winnings if a 5th number had come up too.


^^^^ Thats brilliant ^^^^ Must pinch that and change the wording to another maroon club.