JOKES

[number 9]

Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping at a busy shopping mall just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on his mobile.

The wife said
"Where are you, you know we have lots to do"

He said "You remember the jewellers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek, and she got all choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."

That’s lovely Marko! I literally laughed out loud.

Merry Christmas!

[goldandblack]

I was walking down this country lane when I came across a well.
looking into the well I couldn't see the water in it.
So I dropped a stone into the well but didn't hear a splash.
then I found this very big timber sleeper, so I dragged it to the well and dropped it in,
I turned around just in time to see this goat charging at me, luckily I jumped out of its way, it just missed me and the goat disappeared down the well.

walking away this old farmer came over and asked me if I had seen his goat, I said no but would keep an eye out for it,
the farmer said it cant have got far as it was chained to a big timber sleeper.

[goldandblack]

Little Johnny come home with a letter from the head master at his school, it read,
Little Johny's has started using bad language every sentence he speaks, please stop him before he can return,

Dad says to his wife "he needs a bit of hard learning of life, when you swear it will hurt,
Dad sends Little Johny to bed with instructions if he never swears again he will get the belt.

next morning Little Johny comes down for breakfast,
Dad asks Little John what he wants to eat,
Little John says can I have just a pierce of bloody toast.
Dad takes his belt of and smack Johny over the backside.
Dad asks Little Johny if he learned anything from that.
Little Johny fighting back the tears said yes Dad, never to ask for the F"""cking full English

[number 9]

Saint Peter’s Catholic Church is live streaming it’s annual Holy Darts Fundraiser. It’s a popular affair with nuns playing against priests...yes nuns play darts too. For the past 5 years, the nuns have dominated the tournament. Let’s listen into the tournament.

Mother Teresa takes a sip of her wine and a puff on her dunhill light as she approaches the dart board.
Father James provides the play by play.
“Triple 20...Triple 20...ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY!”
The nuns clearly look poised to take another title.

Father Jones shrugs at the task before. He sprinkles holy water on his darts and approaches the immaculate dart board.
“Triple 20...Triple 20...Triple(the dart bounces off the wire & impales Mother Teresa)...ONE NUN DEAD AND EIGHTY!”

[goldandblack]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.
……..…………………………………………………………………………

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
……..……………………………………………………………………….
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

[MasseyFerguson]

I used to do drugs. I still do. But I used to as well.

The late, great, Mitch Hedberg.

[goldandblack]

The teacher was discussing different jobs held by the parents of the students.
When she called on Little Johnnie, she asked, "And what does your father do?"
"Oh, he's a magician," replied Johnnie.
"Really? And what's his best trick?"
"His best trick is sawing people in half."
"Wonderful!" exclaimed the teacher. "Tell me Johnnie, are there any more children in your family?"
"Yes ma'am, I have a half brother and two half sisters."

[number 9]

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed
in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose.
A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse,”' he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,
“I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body
and feet.”
He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me.
Are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure
and heart rate from worrying about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the
covers. She then raises his gown, holds his manhood in
one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says,
“There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.”
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her,
and says very slowly,
“Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very, closely: Are - my - test - results - back?”

[goldandblack]

40 WBA fans turn up at the pearly gates,
St Peter says " I will go and ask god if I can allow you all in"
God says, " that's far to many restrict them to just 6,
St Peters comes back shouting, "there gone god there gone"
God says " what all of them St Peter
No the bloody gates have gone.

[marko69]

You might like a few of these oldies, Wolfie. They’re from the ......
“Plumbers keeping it clean who are all missing each other” Whatapp chat room

—————————————


1: Did you hear about the big cheese who painted his wife?
No?
...well he Double Gloucester...


2: Guy at Timpsons down the High Street is well
peed off. He’s having to work. According to government guidelines he’s a key worker.

3: Good deed done for the day. In the queue at Tesco and there was a little old lady in front of me, £63 of shopping but her card was declined. I was feeling helpful especially with the Corona Virus pandemic at the moment and you've got to help out, so I helped her put it all back!

4: Waitress: "Are you ready to order?"
Me: "My wife is in the ladies."
Waitress: "Do you know what she's having?"
Me: "Well she has been gone 10 minutes so probably a sh*t!"

5: My wife said she's going to leave me in the morning because I'm obsessed with Wham! I said, "Wake me up before you go go!"

[goldandblack]

A magician and his parrot...
This magician was getting annoyed with his parrot, because during every trick the parrot would spoil it by saying something along the lines of "It's in your shirt, braack." He then decided to get rid of him, so he took him on a ship, and into the boiler room. The magician shot the parrot, but missed. The ship exploded and the only survivors were the magician and the parrot, surprisingly. The parrot then says, "Alright, braack, you got me, where is the ship, braack."